To whoever takes the time to read this:

This is not a poem. I like poems about you though. They usually end with us making fabulous love in the back of that old car. Today it is a letter. A letter on how I never meant to fall in love with you. You even told me at the beginning to not love your broken heart, but I couldn't help myself. I saw the beauty in it. It was a slow love, I promise not all at once. It started with a late night under stars, and ended with me drunk begging you to feel the same way. I just miss you. Maybe that is why I wrote this letter. I was thinking if you read it you would know it was about you. Poems don't identify the subject. You are always my subject. And maybe this letter would bring you back to the return address. You would fall in love me the way I love you now. But then again, this will never be sent to you. You will never know the person at the return address. I am sorry I fell in love with your broken heart, because now our hearts look the same.

I will love you always...

I am what I am and I cannot be changed. I am my mother’s wish and my father’s mistake. I am what sent him away and coming back for more. Every boy, guy, man always walks out of my life, but still leaves the light on. I am his punching bag. I am his trophy. I am his rock. I am his. And I am yours. I am a puppet under loves direction. I will care for you like no other. I will worry if a meteor hit you and not anyone else. I will trust you time and time again. I am one to fall in love with you in 8 seconds, but take 8 months to get over you. I like fun trips places, but I also like to lay around and watch movies. I am supportive of big life decisions. I am too emotional about the little stuff. But it matters to me. I won’t give you space because we are together now. I want to spend every moment with you because those are my happiest. I will make assumptions and get my hopes up. I will not be good at distance because I hate being alone. I will always tell you how I feel. I will forgive you when you don’t deserve it. I will give 8 second chances when I didn’t get one. I will love you when you don’t love me anymore. I am what I am and how I love you won’t change. I was molded this way. Can you accept who I am?

Maybe my dad killed himself. Maybe I couldn't tell anyone else exactly how. Maybe I called her. Maybe it had been a few months. Maybe I just wanted to talk. Maybe it was 3 am. Maybe I needed her. Maybe I wanted it to be like old times. Maybe I wanted to wish on a shooting star again. maybe I wanted to fix things. Maybe I picked her up. Maybe I wasn't just me in the car. Maybe it was past her curfew.

It's possible a few drinks were involved. It's possible there was more than a few. It's possible when I kissed her I tasted the Jager like it was my own drink. It's possible those white shorts and crop top made me want her more. It's possible I got her alone. It's possible I told her that I still cared. It's possible that I never said it before. It's possible she cried. It's possible I was too drunk to notice. It's possible that someone else did. It's possible I got jealous. It's possible she just wanted to be held. It's possible he was gentle and did.

Perhaps he offered her a ride home. Perhaps she stayed with me. Perhaps she still loved me. Perhaps I yelled about the boy who cared for her. Perhaps she cried again. Perhaps she went home upset. Perhaps he comforted her again. Perhaps he took her to see fireworks. Perhaps he didn't know she hated them. Perhaps I didn't know she would like them. Perhaps she got closer to him. Perhaps they laughed together. Perhaps they spent all night talking about the dreams and goals I already knew. Perhaps she told him to come back the next day.

It's likely she forgot about me. It's likely she found happiness. It's likely he loved her back. It's likely they went places. It's likely he got her cute gifts. It's likely I liked their pictures on Instagram. It's likely I looked at our pictures. It's likely my sweatshirt is tucked away so he cannot see it. It's likely I was lonely. It's likely that I still want her.

Or do I? Maybe on those lonely nights, when I was feeling down, when drinks blurred everything right, perhaps anything could happen.

But then again, maybe possible, perhaps likely, that I never did need her.

You left me that night for her.
You left me alone.
You left me.

I loved you then.
I love you now.
I love you.

Darling, I wasn't asking for ***
Just a kiss to relieve the pain.
I wasn't looking for you to hold me all night long
Just a tight hug to know things will be okay.

I am sorry I came here to talk.
I just wanted a friend.
He broke my heart,
And I will cry on your shoulder.

Go back to your girlfriend in the morning.
Tomorrow when we pass in the hall
You will wink and smile.
I will hurt knowing we were meant for each other.

You know we love each other,
But that won't ever be true.

The sun was low in the west one winters day
When I realized you were gone.
A raindrop fell from my eye,
And created a puddle on your t-shirt.

California has never been so cold.
It took your smokey breath away as you exhaled slowly.
So every night I inhale our memories;
Thinking it is keeping you alive.

The first day of spring is tomorrow.
A day of new beginnings.
Maybe I'll buy a ticket to Boston,
And start a new sunrise; instead of watching it set.

Don't worry darling, I won't forget
When the leaves were dying, and so was your heart.
I'll hold onto your whispers in the wind,
And feel your brilliant, shining smile on my summer kissed skin.

A year ago I didn't think I would write our love poem.
A year ago I didn't think I would write our breakup poem.
A year ago I didn't think I would know you.
A year ago I didn't think I would forget you.

I need you.
And if ******* anything gets through, let it be that.
I need you.
I need you on good days and bad ones.
I need you to be here tomorrow and 11 years from now.
And if anything, need me that much.
Make a list of things that are positive in your life.
Live for those things.
If I am the only thing you write down, then live for me.

You wrote about piano keys and how you wanted to dance.
Is it really what you want though?
I thought maybe I could give you those things,
But I will never be the great pianist
Or the beautiful ballerina on stage.
I will just be the quiet girl in your writing class.
If that isn't good enough, I understand.
The average girl is nothing compared to her with beauty and talent.

2 years ago sounds too short,
But if I counted every minute since that day would be too long.
I have counted the days.
All 730.
I woke up in an all white room with tubes and wires coming from me.
A lot happened up to that moment,
A lot changed after that moment too.
But today is day 730 and I know I will get to 731.

I don't know what it was, but that night I fell in love with her. I didn't prepare for this. The way she danced under the cheap Christmas lights holding her cup. The way she said my name in my ear. The way I could taste Jager on her lips. The way she laid in my bed. I don't know what it was, but that night I fell in love with her.

I met you exactly one year ago. I was just a shy girl in a haunted house. Our friends didn't introduce us, you weren't my type. From that moment I wanted to know more, but I didn't even know you. And now looking back you cannot deny that you felt the same way one year ago today.

I told you I would not write a sappy love poem for you.
I will not write about your hair,
The lightly golden pieces that sometimes fall into your eyes.
I will not write about your words,
The way they always make me laugh.
I will not write about your body,
The muscular cut under moonlight that takes my breath away.
And I promise I will not tell a soul.
I won't say it was past curfew,
And that you forgot the key in.
I will keep all of you a secret.
But most of all I won't write a sappy love poem to you.

It was unexpected-
I was not prepared.
We drove for miles and miles,
And ended up no where.
We looked to the sky
Laying next to each other.
I have not seen so many
Bright shooting stars.
All like arrows to my heart.
I asked a million questions,
And you answered each one.
We did not sleep,
But that was okay.
I could not of asked for anything better.

I want to know you.
I want to learn your little quirks-
Favorite color and foods you hate.
I want to know why you are upset,
And why your day is great.
I want to go on adventures with you.
I want a lot of things,
But needs outweigh the wants.

I need someone to know me.
I need them to know my quirks-
My favorite color and the foods I hate.
I need someone to know why I am upset,
And why my day is great.
I need someone to go on adventures with me.

I want you to need me.
I need you to want me.

I am sitting on my knees in this little white church.
There are two pews.
I in one, you late.

I go out to my car and grab a beer.
I am drinking away my pain in this little white church.
That is when I hear you pull in.
You walk in with grace,
Pretending to care and stop me.
I throw the bottle at the altar.
It won't break completely,
Like me.

You hold me in this little white church.
Till you think I am okay.
You walk out.
Gunshot.

I am dead in this little white church on the side of the road.

This is to Dalton who loved me first.
This is to Corey who loved me last.
This is to my mom who cared too much.
This is to my dad who didn't care.
This is to the friends who showed up.
This is to the "friends" who didn't show up.
This is to the teachers who paid attention.
This is to the teachers who didn't pay attention.
This is to the dance that everything was right.
This is to the dance that everything was wrong.
This is to the poems written.
This is to the poems unwritten.
This is to words said.
This is to words not said.
This is to love made.
This is to hate made.
This is to me.
But mostly this is to you.
Drinks up.

Dear You,
     It has been almost a month since you whispered the words "I don't love you anymore." I am not here to write you about that night. I know that what happened will stay in stone forever. The reason I write to you is to remember the things before.
     On the days I feel like I cannot go on anymore I try to remember the good times. Do you remember that night we stopped at the fields? I guess we stopped there a lot. The one I remember the most is when you were my spider-man, and climbed up the big fence. I was freezing, but at that moment my insides warmed to a fever of love for you. We ran through the snow like children.
     What about that day we were all alone. You know we made love all day, then lied in eachother's arms, fully exposed. You may not know this, but at that moment of dull lighting and sweaty bodies is when I released myself to you, committing my all.
     I love to think about how we were. We laughed. I was my happiest when I was with you. I loved snuggling into your side. I knew I was safe under your grip. It is scary to know I will never have that sense of safety again. We weren't just lovers, but friends. Although, we did it backwards. We fell in love first, before we learned favorite colors and foods. I find that special.
     I will not get into detail, but I also love the way we made love. Slow, then all at once. I somehow always shook when I saw your cut body in the moonlight. Sharing the air with you was the greatest breath I drew in. I still sometimes feel your hands exploring my slender sides. Do you remember the things we did? The love shared between sheets and leather seats.
     I will not make you sit here and read all the great things I think about. I just wanted to remind you of the laughs and kisses, and maybe, just maybe you will miss the little girl you left alone.
         Love Always,
             Your Baby Girl (F&A; 122313)

When I exhaled I felt a piece of you leave me.
The innocence was gone.
The smoke embraced me like you did.
I was shaking.
The stale taste relaxed me.  
And I know you would be disappointed,
But where are you to care?
So here I am taking a long drag for you,
And another for the **** you put me through.
I won't quit till the pack is gone,
Or you come back.

These snowballs from God are scattered everywhere,
Just like our love right now.
No clue how it got here,
But in a million pieces.
It started with one snowflake,
And here we are
Knee deep in a snow drift.
Let the sun shine down,
And bud new things.

I am that girl who is on her knees puking her guts up,
But it is just a bad flu.
I am that girl who cries in the shower for a long time,
But I couldn't get the dirt off.
I am that girl who doesn't sleep all night waiting for a text,
But it was just a bad dream.

I love to write about skin
The kind that sweat
I love to write about hands
The kind that touch
I love to write about air
The kind that is shared
I love to write about kisses
The kind that are true
I love to write about nights
The kind that is endless

I hate turkey dinner.
1. it's too dry
2. it's fake
(well the family is)
3. too many calories to burn
(dancer life)
It is just not my thing.

A tiny binder
Filled with paper and pockets.
Yet it is empty.
My brain is empty and void.
Where do I start?
The bad?
The good?
There was no in between.
My hand is shaking,
Heart pounding,
Head spinning.
I can not do this.
It will end the same,
With a tear filled page
Of a goodbye never said.

English 2H.
The place with 1 teacher,
25 students.
We learn pronouns
And a story or two.
Shakespeare is God
And you will go to hell if you can't spell.
Sadly there is no learning.
If you don't know it,
Well..
That's it.
Burn in Alphabet Soup.

Let's cover the walls,
In words we will never say,
Sheets we'll never sleep in,
Pictures never taken.
Let's be blind to what could of been.

Lately all I write is burps.
I am so broke I can't finish.
I used to title everything,
Maybe that's where I went wrong.
I titled us,
Lovers.
I don't do it anymore.
I probably never will.
No reason to name a stray dog,
When it will run away.

I saw a great sign the other day.

"True friends stab you in the front"

I think it speaks for itself.
I would rather know the pain is coming, then having hit you with no warning. That is what really kills.

You asked me if I liked lying?
If I was good at it?
No, I am not.
I am good at hiding.
I am good at looking the part and not letting people know.
To know I am hurt and in pain.
So if you consider it lying,
Then yes.
I am a professional.
I don't want people to know I am weak.

i am what i am. i am only a teenage girl, but i live an adult life. i am what i am. i have an address, but no home. i am a girl with few friends, but i am a girl who wants to be known. i am who i am. i am a strong girl who is weak inside. i am positive. i am negative. i am a quiet girl screaming inside. i am who i am. i am a warrior, but i have lost many battles. i am what i am. i have seen the good, the bad, the ugly. i am brave, but i am scared of what i am. i am a lover. i am a fixer, but a broke girl. i am what i am. i am a project unfinished. i am what i say. i say i am full, but i am starving. i am confused and misled. i am needy. i am lost without direction.i am what i am. i am trusting, but believe no one. i have been left and stranded. i am what i am not. i am strong. i am weak. i am tired. i am alive. i am out or order, but i am organized. i am shy. i am all these things. i am hidden. i am a heart mender, but i am heart broken. i am hurt, but i am a fighter. i am what YOU want me to be.