I don't believe in joints,
But they still hold bodies together

What is believing if you can't see?

There was a time when I did not believe in You,
But You still held me together.

You were there beneath my skin
In every breathe commanding it to rise and fall

In this I see You.

That eyes once closed are opened.
That one breathe is followed by another.

If I can paint it, I can understand it
That is the theory
So I study the world as if it could be broken down
Each face a complex design of shadows and bouncing light
The slight curve of your lips
The delicate skin between your fingers
Perhaps if I could see a bit deeper
To the muscles and the tendons
The veins
How do you paint a pulse?
I study as you talk,
Because if I can paint you, I can understand you
Your lips stretch and pucker with the word "How?"
If I place every line in just the right place
If I color shadow of your temples just right
Maybe your face can be a map
Maybe it will lead me somewhere
But I keep getting lost in your gaze

Dear sister
I have tried to memorize your face
I pieced it together with scraps from magazines
Dear sister
I trace your lips again and again
Wishing they would speak to me
Maybe if I could paint you
I could finally control you
From miles away I try to recreate you
Over and over
Something is off
Your smile is too crooked
Your eyelashes don't fan out the way I remember
I can never capture your graceful fingertips
And the way they move across paper
Marking the pages with your deepest thoughts
Dear sister
Dear sister
You are a deer to me
I will try not to startle you away
But if I do,
and you cannot stay
I will paint you with graphite
And ink
And the lipstick you sent me
I will try to understand
I will let you go
Dear sister

Up at the ceiling, painting with my eyelashes
My blinks gentle strokes
Color on the canvas of my mind

I see galaxies swimming in my pupils
A whole world for no one but me
I want you to know it

What if I could say so? Head spinning.
What if I could articulate the things spinning on the tip of my tongue?
Like a battery


******* up the acid
Letting it swim down my throat
Eating away at the pit of my stomach

I open up, I pour out
Half-digested emotions spilling to the floor
My guts out on the table, it took all the guts I had

Will you wait for me to spill my guts?
Its going to take a while, the truth
And it might not be as pretty as you believe it to be

Will you make me clean it up by myself?
I can, don't worry
I have dealt with more than my share of messes

I don't need you,
It would be nice if you stayed for a while
Maybe a moment while I digest my thoughts

I am both a painting and a mess
Only half done
Want to see?

I was made with skin
I was made from Adam's rib
Now that's all that's left

I can count my bones
They poke out from my joints
You can see my crooked spine

From the flesh I came,
My flesh is wasting away
I don't need it now

Every body is a skeleton,
If you wait around long enough
A walking talking bag of bones.

I survive on coffee and spite
Now my ribcage is the birdcage
My weakened heart playing the part of the bird

There are 206 bones in the average human body
You can count mine
Eventually, that's all that's left