You are my kith my kin, my one remaining daughter
But I struggle to love you as a father ought to
I've tried so hard again and again
But looking at you just causes me pain

I look in your eyes and all I can see
Is your sister looking back at me
I feel again my heart being wrenched
As the pain pulses back, agony unquenched

How can I be the best father to you
When all I can think is there should be two
I have failed you both, I can't love you that way
Since she didn't come home that awful day

I'd gladly swap places, let my daughters be free
That drunken driver may as well have killed me
I'm sorry I've failed the pair of you girls
To keep you safe and cherish you like pearls

You look so alike, it's scarily true
I try not to see her, just the beauty of you
But it's all I can do not to break down and cry
And cry and cry and cry and cry
Oh why oh why oh why oh why
Dear God,  why?

It was always so incredibly intense
Love and hate so close to each other
Break up one day, then make up the next
One day ignore, the next you'd smother

You'd often slap me when you were in a rage
Shouting and swearing in front of my mates
One day i snapped and pushed you back hard
Just gave you an excuse to intensify your hates

This time it's over you'd told me so often
But this time you'd held a secret from me
A child, our baby, was growing inside you
But your hate was there for all to see

We'd often split up, got together again
But this time you couldn't wait
Booked yourself in at the hospital
And there you sealed its fate

No mention to me till after the deed
And then you broke the news
"You've lost me and your baby"
Intensifying and heightening my blues

She'd plunged a fist in my chest and twisted my heart
The pain was too much to bear
Then one morning I decided to do myself in
I hated my life, it was so unfair

Just sat in my garage inside my car
Engine running and windows wide open
Smoking cigarettes and thinking of what might have been
I'd lost it I just wasn't coping

I sat there and welcomed death
To ease the incredible pain
I felt from losing my baby
Grim reapers sweet refrain

In my crazy intense world, I totally forgot
My mother, my father and the pain that they'd feel
As they too lost there baby for no rhyme or reason
No second chances and no appeal

I'm not sorry of the decision to take my own life
but to my parents I infinitely regret
Nobody should have to bury their children
To them I owe a huge debt

One day in the future we'll all meet again
And there I can show them my child
Then they will see the joy that it brings
The baby, the life, their grandchild

Today was the day I broke down and cried
Uncontrollable howling sobs from the very pit of my soul
Helpless and forlorn, not knowing how to make it stop
Just had to ride the wave and let it  take its toll

I hadn't cried for twenty years and never in front of my brood
It wasn't what I wanted or what I thought was right
But today was the day that it erupted from me
Emotions too powerful to fight

Driving the car, my family with me
We passed a shrine on the side of the road
Carefully manicured square yard of grass
With angels and scripture and candles that glowed

I felt the cold sweat rise as I realised what it was
a sweet young girl from just along the street
A friend of the family, the same age as one of mine
A talented artist, charmed all she'd meet

She died in a car crash a couple of weeks before
I was shocked by the news, a terrible waste
I guess my family has been lucky so far
And something like this I hadn't faced

The wife and the two eldest went to the funeral
While I sat in with the young one
Paying their respects at the church and reception
As I tried not to think of the pain of her mum

A lady I knew from when we were young
A connection that made the pain keener
But I kept my emotions in check that day
Upholding a solemn demeanour

But the shock as I realised it was her shrine that day
Made me lower my guard and allow me to taste
The pain of her mother, the acid and bile
As she tended that spot, sobbing, such a waste

The anger, the rage, the where and the why
The questions, the impotence, the need to understand
Could she carry on, was anything worth it now?
Why had awful fate dealt her this hideous hand?

An ever increasing circle of anguish
Coursed through my mind as I travelled
Until I could swallow it no more and gave way
As my sanity unravelled

My head in my hands, my face contorted with grief
My shoulders rocking, howls escaping my throat
What must my family be thinking of me
As I lost it and sobbed in my coat

My wife sat there looking embarrassed
We were never the same again
I felt that I had shown her a weakness
My machismo was all in vain

I cry much easier these days it seems
As though I'd breached the floodgates
The only comfort I get from that
Was it wasn't in front of my mates

I don't know if I am emotionally *******
Or it's just that I've been graced
With good health for me and my closest kin
My mortality has never been faced

But as I get older I have to come to terms
With aging parents, in-laws and all that entails
I wonder how I'll cope when I see those close to me
Breaking down in tears, the cries and the wails

All I can ask is that parent goes before child
As eventually go we all must
And hope to have led a full, happy life
Before we all turn to dust

When you link my arm in a crowded place
When you brush a hair from off my face
You bring me joy

When you catch my eye across a room.
When you expunge my thoughts of impending doom
You bring me joy

When you shed a tear at a soppy show
When you give me the space from which to grow
You bring me joy

When you rest your weary head upon my chest
When you make me aware of how much I'm blessed
You bring me joy

When you pretend you're shocked if I've been rude
When you shyly smile when you're in the mood
You bring me joy

You bring me joy x

Check out the history, glance at your phone
Go through the receipts when you're not home

Somethings different, it's driving me mad
I crave a return to the happiness we had

Was it something I did? Was it something I said?
My brain's gonna explode right out of my head

Whatever I say, whatever I do
I just no longer seem good enough for you

Perhaps it's finished, our time has passed
Our lifetime together is over so fast

Can you not see me? Am I not there?
I used to be everything to you, now you just don't care

If we pass in the street, you look the other way
I hope to catch your eye but you shy away

You're with someone else now, laughing at his jokes
Fluttering your eyes and lighting up his smokes

I don't even know him but I hope he hurts
When it's his turn to watch your sly little flirts

Feel the pain that I felt as you slipped away from me
Saying "it's me not you" as you explain you must be free

A cloud hangs over me, my stomach has cramps, a knot
What's the point of carrying on?
None, that is what

The rage came over me like a wave
She must think I'm stupid and naive
I shouldn't have checked her phone at all
Curiosity had been gnawing since I heard her call
Hanging up guiltily as I chanced upon her
She didn't even try to defend her honour
Just chatted **** and hung her head
Our marriage is hanging by a thread
Now I've seen all I need to know
She's met someone else, a body blow
Do I fight him, knock on his door?
Threaten him, punch him, give him some more?
Should I tell her I know what she's doing?
Breaking my heart, our home in ruin?
I guess I'll just do nothing at all
Unable to break through our man made wall
Just hoping this nightmare will go away
Returning to semi-peace no more to say
Ignore it and bury my head once again
Hoping that this time will be the end