My other state of mind wants to cause physical and psychological harm
but the person i am today says walk away
sometimes it feels as if my other state of mind is taking over me or just need that one day to rule what i do in those 24 hours.
but the person writing this doesnt have the heart to cause this physical pain.
although i felt the physical pain
although i feel the pain in my body
in my bones. in my heart
i can not do unto other what has been done unto me.
turning the tables around isnt as easy as it sounds.
aggression only creates more aggression
kindness ... reciprocates in a good way ..
and it only takes a single act of aggression to permanently wound someone.
Why do i want the power to wound
why would anyone want to have a power to make someone else feel so powerless..
i know i dont.
but my other state of mind..
does..

I'm sitting down in the mirror faced with reality
I cant believe I have your mark on my face its brutality
I wonder what made you flip yell and scream
Every time you get jealous you cause a scene
Whether I'm in the way or I dress like a tease
You got me begging you to stop; I'm on my knees
I just don't know how I can love a man
Who stays catching a case
resorts to violence and places his hands on my face
Is this my fate?
Or maybe I'm scared to go
Cause you're the type of man that can't respect a NO
You say you love me, that it was your bad
but I think domestic love is the only thing you ever had..

Being pregnant is very difficult
no one can understand what you are feeling
not even another pregnant woman .
everyone takes things differently and feels mixed emotions
there are some things that are inevitable
yet there are things that can be avoided.
there is so much i have brushed off in this pregnancy.
but there are somethings i just cant control
like my emotions
im annoyed
im tired.
im in pain
im heavy
things that every pregnant woman KNOW that they are going to feel
yet i cant control my crying when i get upset
or i feel like i need more in my relationship
this pregnancy makes me feel unwanted
unneeded
un-everything
things run through my head that i have no idea where they came from.
but then again these are things that come with the pregnancy
instead of me having all these cravings, stuffing my face and gaining 50 pounds
i just gain all these thoughts in my head that hurt me emotionally and give me headaches
yet who can i explain these things to, without they thinking im crazy ?
they dont understand.
especially men ,.
how can a man possibly understand and not say something like its pregnancy you know what you were getting into...
sometimes i cry at night because i crave an affection that i dont get .
yet i think, and i realize ive never gotten this affection.
ive never really been complimented in a really nice way like "you look pretty"
or something simple like that
yea ive gotten TONS of compliments from people that dont even matter
but the one man that does matter has yet to say it.
i think i have been one of the best women to be pregnant because i havent put my boyfriend through all the **** that i know
alot of women put their men through
and its by choice.
yeah sometimes i feel a major mood swing coming in
and i just go to the bathroom and relax
why push him away if im the one thats pregnant?
ive done all this for him !
what have i gotten?
although i may be upset at him right now that doesnt mean that i am saying all these things JUST because i am upset .
i am saying them because i mean them
i am saying them because i feel them
i am saying them because its what goes through my head and i cant confront him to tell him this without crying before even speaking
its been 8 years.
and i still dont know.
he may feel different things about me
but this is what i feel .
and what i have been feeling for a while.
its the simple things that matter to me the most.
and to him (although he may deny it) its the bigger things that matter.

And coming face to face with you was hard enough
Hearing ur voice just tore me apart
Listening to u speak
And understanding ur words killed me.
I lost years of understanding
Years of love
I added years of hate to my life
I added years of tears to my being
I became cold hearted because of who u were
Now I know why I was disowned
Now I know why u didn't speak to me
Now I know why I thought u hated me
Yet u added more grief to my life
I forgive u.
I swear I do.
Should I still be at fault?
It really wasn't my fault
My life hasn't been everything it could have been.
I would have been different.
She would have definitely been different and a better person.
We wouldn't be surrounded by this hate u brought into our lives
U never gave me a chance to explain.
We lost so much
We actually lost the most important.
I won't ever forget this.
I won't forget the tears I cried
I won't forget the pain I felt
I won't forget ur face
I won't forget the horror of u not being here.
I won't forget u after all

are we really supposed to love only men?
can i love a women the way others love a man?
would it hurt me if i gave my heart to her instead of him?
its my happiness, not yours.she got everything except a third leg?  :)
she holds me tight and even tells me it ok to cry...
she knows my deepest secrets but she still kisses me soft.
she promised me the world but gave me the universe..
no man has ever done that. but still i keep it a secret, because its not
ok.if only you saw it in our eyes.... i dont anything else thats ever made me
see the stars so bright and clear. i ask again, is ok to love a woman??

i have this pain in my heart
because he left me
so i feel hate for him
a hate so big that it can ****...
my father my dear father
the ******* that i hate as much as i love...
i hate him because he left me
i hate him because i hate him
i hate him because he's the person because he taught
me how to hate
hate is such a powerful word that has alot of thought
into it
i hate him i wish he would just die
i hate him i wish he would feel what i feel
he is what gets my blood boiling for hate
he taught me how to love and hate at the same time
he taught me the word hatred in my heart
and i hate him with all my heart
if you ask me," Nessa, why do u hate your father?"
i wouldnt have a good answer or a right answer
because to be honest i dont have an answer for such a
question
i just feel this pain in my heart for him
and i hate him
because i cant have him back and because i dont want
him back
im the type of person that usually keeps her feelings
inside no matter what...
so this is one of the truest things i have ever
written
while these tears mark my cheeks
i know that im crying truly because of him
i wish he would one day think and cry for me the way i
cry for him
i want to see him crying and regretting that he lost
his daughter to something so stupid and selfish
a father is supposed to be there no matter what had
happened
i thought i had a hero
and true father that i would say, "wow, my father isnt
like alot of other peoples' father"
"im special"
but i guess it was bound to happen
i wish you could feel everything i feel
the pain i carry with me as i walk the streets or when
i write a poem
or when i simply hear a song
i cant even hear a slow jam without it reminding me of
things that have happened to me
and alot of it makes me cry because i end up hating
you even more
why dont you close your eyes and think for a second...
then just ask yourself...
"am i a good father?"
because i ask myself alot... "am i a good daughter"
and i know im a *****
i know i am
i take no offense in calling myself that
because ive lived up to being a ***** and let me be
that then
it wont do nothing but make me stronger...
i mean im here right?
im living... not happy but im living...
and its cuz of you
cant u feel?
when i cry dont you feel a little discomfort in your
day?
how about in your night or in your sleep?
do u feel anything?
i guess not because i havent received not one phone
call
not one message
not one concern
nothing from you
and i dont want your money
maybe sometimes i feel like i do need it but as my
tears roll down my cheeks and land on my lips,
i answered my own question...
i dont need your money
and even if i did and you were to give it to me i
rather die
i want nothing from you
when you are to walk me down that aisle ....
i hope you have feelings because you'll be crying that
you wont be that man walking me down the aisle...
one day i know that you will feel everything and maybe
even worse than what i feel...
i know this world aint cruel enough to just let me
pass with all this pain
but hey maybe im mistaken.... maybe you do feel and
think at home... but i dont care
because it will make no difference to me
whats done is done
and i wont forgive you
and i wont forget what u did
what i will do is erase you ...
the memory that was
but shouldnt have been...
R.I.P. father...
you're not gone... yet that is...
but i say "rest in peace" now because i know you and
me will get to our deathbeds with this hate...
and honestly i hope you are the one to bury me ...
cuz i dont wanna bury you ...
because imma shed tears of love hate pain and anger...
but to finish it off... imma spit on your grave and
walk away ...
even with tears down my cheeks...
imma spit the same way that you spit on me...
(figuratively speaking) and walked away from me when i
needed you the most...

Is this it?
Sometimes I feel like this is all we have
That this is all it will ever be
A young couple together for 10 years
2 kids
Never getting married
Same thing over and over again
Nothing exciting
I feel as if I want more sometimes
I don’t mean more as in another man
I mean more as in I want to feel more
More wanted, more loved, more like a woman who he can’t live without
I want it all
And yeah this may seem like I am asking for a fairytale
But fairytales are examples of things that can be worked up to
I don’t think people get fairytales
I think people make things happen and then that becomes their fairytale
I want a surprise here and there
I want to know that you think of me on special occasions the way I do
I don’t want to know that money is so short to get something
To do something special on a birthday
On a stupid holiday
Some thoughtful things don’t need money
But that’s what’s missing
The thought
I don’t want to live the average life that every couple lives
Its so cliché
I want sweet things
Like I said I want it all
I need it all…

Is this it?
Sometimes I feel like this is all we have
That this is all it will ever be
A young couple together for 10 years
2 kids
Never getting married
Same thing over and over again
Nothing exciting
I feel as if I want more sometimes
I don’t mean more as in another man
I mean more as in I want to feel more
More wanted, more loved, more like a woman who he can’t live without
I want it all
And yeah this may seem like I am asking for a fairytale
But fairytales are examples of things that can be worked up to
I don’t think people get fairytales
I think people make things happen and then that becomes their fairytale
I want a surprise here and there
I want to know that you think of me on special occasions the way I do
I don’t want to know that money is so short to get something
To do something special on a birthday
On a stupid holiday
Some thoughtful things don’t need money
But that’s what’s missing
The thought
I don’t want to live the average life that every couple lives
Its so cliché
I want sweet things
Like I said I want it all
I need it all…

If you really think about it
Life is a funny story
Things mostly happen to those that don't deserve it or maybe they do
My life is surrounded by many ups and downs
However my grief isn't the biggest around
Whatever I go through
Is my business
And what I don't go through
Is still my business
Signing on to AIM everyday
You encounter a new story telling away message
Which was written obviously because people are letting feelings out
And because they might want someone else to read it
One day someones happy...
The other they wanna just die/cry
Others rant about how good they are
And others are giving advice
Like I said life is a new experience everyday
I believe life is what you make of it
Things always happen for a reason
But everyone asks what is the reasoning behind it all...
No one can really give u that answer because part of life is to try to
figure out different things
To imagine that our footsteps were already carved for us
Is unbelievable
To imagine our lives not surrounded by grief
Is also unbelievable
Our troubles
Our smiles
Our tears
Our laughs
Is what keeps us going everyday
The way u resolve problems defines who u r
I guess u gotta make the best of it
no matter if u think otherwise cuz who cares what u think?
Open ya eyes and realize that life is here to stay
And even after we die...
Life goes on.......

If you really think about it
Life is a funny story
Things mostly happen to those that don't deserve it or maybe they do
My life is surrounded by many ups and downs
However my grief isn't the biggest around
Whatever I go through
Is my business
And what I don't go through
Is still my business
Signing on to AIM everyday
You encounter a new story telling away message
Which was written obviously because people are letting feelings out
And because they might want someone else to read it
One day someones happy...
The other they wanna just die/cry
Others rant about how good they are
And others are giving advice
Like I said life is a new experience everyday
I believe life is what you make of it
Things always happen for a reason
But everyone asks what is the reasoning behind it all...
No one can really give u that answer because part of life is to try to
figure out different things
To imagine that our footsteps were already carved for us
Is unbelievable
To imagine our lives not surrounded by grief
Is also unbelievable
Our troubles
Our smiles
Our tears
Our laughs
Is what keeps us going everyday
The way u resolve problems defines who u r
I guess u gotta make the best of it
no matter if u think otherwise cuz who cares what u think?
Open ya eyes and realize that life is here to stay
And even after we die...
Life goes on.......

My life has changed... I feel cold... Alone.. And upset... I cry silently.. I dont know how to move on and im trying i really am but i just dont know how. I feel something in my heart that i cant explain. Its like a physical pain but medicine doesn't work. My birthday is coming up and its hard to picture any celebration without you.
My head hurts from missing you and sometimes crying. I know time will make it easier but noone talks about the "right now"... Part of me was amputated the day you left

My heart weighs a ton yet its empty. Losing you has been tough although thats an understatement... Its been less than 48 hrs and i have at least 3 things to tell you already.. Who do i tell? I re-read our texts over and over and i smile because i have no regrets. You kno what you mean to me and i sure know wat i meant to you. I even have u tatted on me forever. We did so many firsts together and this.... This right here we were supposed to do together too... But you left me...

You never think that the last time is the LAST time. These emotions come in waves. One minute im okay the other minute all these emotions come rushing and its overwhelming. The minute i think im alright it just starts all over again. I dont know how to handle it but i do know that time will make it easier to cope with.

Some people know what you really meant to me. Others may say she was just your 2nd cousin. But... I've lost my best friend. Yes she was my cousin but thats at the bottom of the list bc blood couldnt make us any closer. She was my ride or die. Usually i was the one always arguing on her behalf tho bc she didnt have a quick enough comeback ever. My partner in crime, My confidante who knew everything and i mean everything even the TMI stuff. My comadre, i still dont kno what to tell the kids... And they just mentioned you today. My heart shattered in that moment. She was just my person...

I can only wish everyone in this world can experience the bond like the one i had with her. The ties that bond us are impossible to explain. Our bond defied distance, time, or location because we were just meant to be.

Because you are my person and will always be my person... I love you

Me duele el alma..

Wealth
Sumptuous living
Luxury
Opulence
Simple summary
My life behind closed doors
My life when i get out the bronx
I am humble but i love the finer things
I cant help but want the nicer things
I struggled to get where  i am at
N im struggling so my kids can have a lifestyle i dreamed of
Looking around now, ive never been seen such opulence
Until this very moment
However its not just the riches
Its the love
It the happiness
Its the peace
Its the mental law
Mentally successful
Mentally happy
Maybe im crazy
But everything is so beautiful
Everything seems magnificent
Everybody wants it
Everything i want exist in my mind
From the outside looking in,
Its a dream come true
From the inside looking out,
Its a nightmare i cant escape

My tears tell a never ending story of my life
Why can't I just be at peace while I'm trying to become your wife
I'm just surrounded by this bad luck
I'm a target for ******* that wanna ****.
Here's my story
(I'm better now so no need to worry)
"Getting out of work doing what I do best
Heading to my loveable nest
4 guys push up against me
I thought I was getting robbed again so I just handed my purse so they
can set me free
But they wanted more
They wanted to make me feel like a *****
Reliving my past in such a disgraceful way
Makes me so ashamed
These tears just can't describe what I feel
Even as I write it feels so real
I thought I was dreaming
But I realized I wasn't, that's when I started screaming
The first guy touched me in such awful ways
in such awful places
Then the second guy came and hurt me even worse
I was alone.
No one could hear me, I cried wishing I were home
The third guy was the look out, making sure noone was coming
It was like 1am Friday morning
What could have made these men so *****
Why me? Why me?

I cried,  pushed, scratched and kicked
While they ******, ****** and  licked
So gross it turns my stomach even now
I was trying my best to be real loud.
While the first two were done
I still had the 3rd and 4th  guy to come
They switched places
As if everything was so perfectly planned not to leave any traces
This was the worst part
I grabbed my chest feeling my pounding heart
The pain was increasing
The blood was flowing down my thigh
I was laying on my stomach while two guys held my arms
The other guy held my leg and the other one did the harm
I felt the tearing of my skin
and the blood glistening off my skin
They left me stranded laying on the cold pavement.
A woman came outside which seemed like an eternity.
All I wanted was you my by side loving me
She called a lot of people and they saw me
Right then and there I felt relieved
They took me into surgery
And I need a total of 15 stitches on me
Doctors said "You are lucky you aren't dead"
"You lost a lot of blood you see"
I thanked them and they left me to rest for the entire day
I slept and woke up and could only pray
Is there a god in this life of mine?
if there is, what does he think of me, I only want a sign...
Why doesn't he help me
Protect me
Haven't I suffered enough
I been through so much
Right now I just need u saying its not your fault its going to be okay
But I've realized that it has to be my fault there's nothing anyone can
say
I've re-experienced the past that I was growing out of
I was trying to live a new life only based on love
The last time I got ***** the man I was with said
"You're a ***** you let them do that . You should be dead"
This time, I await

Shaking in fear- she tries to scream but no one is here. He won't let her go-his grip is more than physical, its emotional. When will this end? Why did it even begin? She thought her love was stronger, that his violence wouldn't kick in-she knew she was naive to think his actions would ever change. But those are the risks we take, in a thing called the love game. Blinded by the good and shielded from the bad, like giving all your love and still feeling every bit as mad. She secretly knew his habits wouldn't quit, and she was so tired she just had to sit. She sat and contemplated what her life was about, and as he screamed she zoned him out. The yelling was gone there was silence here. As she slit her wrists she said ' all is peaceful, the end is here'.

The man who loves me dries my tears for another man without knowing the true reasons for my tears
and that other man is you.
Its amazing how the years went by so fast
I found my new love
I found myself but in the back of my head my heart will always belong to you
Its been a good 10 years now. But I miss you so much
But am I the one to blame for holding on for so long if you always gave me reasons to hold on.

Since the last time of "us" you got married to an incredible woman
Shes beautiful. I envy this woman yet know she is the luckiest woman in the world
You have a beautiful son and I wish more than anything that you and I would've worked it out
But I ask you again, How can i possibly move on when you gave and still give me reasons to hold on
Everything you have said to me about our so called future and how there's still possibility for a true "us"
My weeping is silent
My tears are all these unspoken words
My feelings are my unsent letters

A few months ago I had the opportunity I had been waiting for
you wanted to be with me
you wanted to show me you still loved me
yet you wanted to show me behind your wife's back
then i thought if you would do it to her
then what makes me think you wont do it to me?
You know I love you .
You know I always will
I know you love me but in a completely different way
In no possible way do I regret my life though
My husband is amazing , he loves me and I have an amazing son.
A son I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

You shattered my glass heart and Im still holding the pieces although my hands are bleeding.
hoping that one day, ANY DAY you will come and just glue them together.
Maybe in reality I dont want you to come and glue these pieces together.
The man who loves me is doing that without even knowing what hes doing.
The last thing I want is for him to feel for me what I feel for you.

You are the man I loved with all my heart
But i am the woman who grew up 10 years later and finally realized that what I have
in my possession right now is way much better than anything I could possibly ever have with you.
No matter the pain I feel when I see you with her
My pain goes away with this unsent letter.
Come to think about it.. Maybe I will send it..

There’s so much I want to say, so much I want to
confess, so much I want you to understand... I wish I
could drive you into MY world... And I wish you could
switch places with me for once... being me is hard...
going through what I go through is hard... u said u
was willing to go through it all with me then said you
loved me but you obviously didn’t understand why I
stopped calling... why I couldn’t call anymore...
tired of explaining... don’t know how to explain
therefore I must stay with my mouth closed and live
the life that I wanted to escape yet I cant why?
Because my life holds on to it...

i used to be the tough girl
i used to be the girl who didnt care what anyone thought
i must say i grew .
i grew into a woman that i never knew existed while in high school
im not that girl who you used to know
im not that girl anymore.
im a woman who has everything to live for.
everything to strive for.
im a woman who has nothing to love even for strangers.
a woman who would easily defend a stranger in the street even if the gun is pointed to my head.
im the woman anyone can count on.
having two kids has changed my life drastically.
its made me realize that life is more than just about money, love, friendship, family etc.
theres more to whats visible to the eye.
there is so much more
however its hard to just simply tell someone whats more to life that just the above
its indescribable. it cant be explained
it simply as difficult as it sounds.
after experiencing what life is all about .
i can sincerely say
i am not the girl i used to be .
i am my own woman .

There’s so much I want to say, so much I want to
confess, so much I want you to understand... I wish I
could drive you into MY world... And I wish you could
switch places with me for once... being me is hard...
going through what I go through is hard... u said u
was willing to go through it all with me then said you
loved me but you obviously didn’t understand why I
stopped calling... why I couldn’t call anymore...
tired of explaining... don’t know how to explain
therefore I must stay with my mouth closed and live
the life that I wanted to escape yet I cant why?
Because my life holds on to it...

What wholesome fragrance
What beauty before my eyes
Amazing; at first just a seed
Then an entire new meaning
Such a lively bouquet
From a deep red to a soft lavender
Or... I can be wrong
Instead, a demon seed
A flower of fire and vain
A simple ***** and the beauty just dies
The ugliness reveals itself when it wilts
And it becomes the personal flower of expression in the garden of words
The flamboyant arrangement
How bright the beauty of orange
Shows us the passion for life
The innocence of the white flower is just known as simple beauty
This innocence is shared by the pink flower to also express happiness
Although the friendship flower its the one that ****** me
Its sunny yellow
The color that brightens every room
To know that the green flower is the one that everyone wants
It's wealth and good fortune
Yet it's the hardest to find
Another rare one is the serenity
The peace this world needs
Such beauty and significance of the blue flower
The lavender that I hold is for elegance
It's the most precious and delicate
The second to last flower I hold is red
She looks so evil yet so warm with love, strength, passion and heat
It's the most common, and just thrown around as if it meant absolutely nothing
Finally one of the most beautiful and rare
So vain and deep in color
So vain in significance
It's the one I choose to keep
It's my favorite
The purple flower so royal and with such pride
Not one *****
It's my favorite sin
So lonely
Yet the surest cure for vanity is loneliness
So ill wilt away with the beauty of vanity in my hands symbolized by this purple flower

The man who loves me dries my tears for another man without knowing the true reasons for my tears
and that other man is you.
Its amazing how the years went by so fast
I found my new love
I found myself but in the back of my head my heart will always belong to you
Its been a good 10 years now. But I miss you so much
But am I the one to blame for holding on for so long if you always gave me reasons to hold on.

Since the last time of "us" you got married to an incredible woman
Shes beautiful. I envy this woman yet know she is the luckiest woman in the world
You have a beautiful son and I wish more than anything that you and I could've worked it out
But I ask you again, How can i possibly move on when you gave me reasons to hold on
Everything you have said to me about our so called future and how theres still possibility for a true "us"
My weeping is silent
My tears are all these unspoken words
My feelings are my unsent letters

You know I love you .
You know I always will
I know you love me but in a completely different way
In no possible way do I regret my life though
My husband is amazing , he loves me and I have an amazing son.
A son I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

You shattered my glass heart and Im still holding the pieces although my hands are bleeding.
hoping that one day, ANY DAY you will come and just glue them together.
Maybe in reality I dont want you to come and glue these pieces together.
The man who loves me is doing that without even knowing what hes doing.
The last thing I want is for him to feel for me what I feel for you.

You are the man I loved with all my heart
But i am the woman who grew up 10 years later and finally realized that what I have
in my possession right now is much better than anything I could possibly ever have with you.
No matter the pain I feel when I see you with her
My pain goes away with this unsent letter.
Come to think about it.. Maybe I will send it..

"Wow, you are getting to be such a beautiful girl"

"Thanks Daddy"

All I could think about is his ***** working hands tucking me in
His snickering and preposterous grin
The scent that he had
and all that escaped my lips was "Why dad?"
5 YEARS LATER.

"WOW YOU ARE HOT, WE SHOULD GO TO MY CRIB LATER"

"uGH GET AWAY ******* IM LATE FOR CLASS"
I'm 15 and got the attention of at least 100 guys
i mean, its not my fault i believe all their lies
they want me for ME right...?
I guess i am going to his crib tonight
1 YEAR LATER

"BABY IM SCARED TO DO THIS"

"Babe we dont have to do this is you dont want"

"I DO, BUT IM JUST SCARED, I NEED TO BE ALONE RIGHT NOW, JUST GIVE ME 5 MINUTES, MY MIND IS JUST WANDERING "

"Take your time babe i got nothing but all the time in the world to love you "

Being in love has made this a hard process
Why was I forced to suppress
Would he have really killed me if I told someone?
What would they have done?
I ran too late
Oh my god who took my place when i left the house?
Oh my what have i done
Is she ok
20 MINUTES LATER

****** hands
Noone will EVER understand
I couldn't handle seeing him do to her what he did to me
I swear, I SWEAR TO GOD everything just went blurry
I feel good though
I had no self control
I liked hearing him plead for his life
I finally feel free thanks to this knife
but I should've stopped him years ago
I shouldve told on him back when I was only 5 years old
This wouldn't have happened
I'm sorry honey
I have to leave though
and not behind bars , no
It's REALLY THAT time for me to go..
I hope you can forgive me someday
when you need me just talk to me, i wont be too far away

i love you.