Being pregnant is very difficult
no one can understand what you are feeling
not even another pregnant woman .
everyone takes things differently and feels mixed emotions
there are some things that are inevitable
yet there are things that can be avoided.
there is so much i have brushed off in this pregnancy.
but there are somethings i just cant control
like my emotions
im annoyed
im tired.
im in pain
im heavy
things that every pregnant woman KNOW that they are going to feel
yet i cant control my crying when i get upset
or i feel like i need more in my relationship
this pregnancy makes me feel unwanted
unneeded
un-everything
things run through my head that i have no idea where they came from.
but then again these are things that come with the pregnancy
instead of me having all these cravings, stuffing my face and gaining 50 pounds
i just gain all these thoughts in my head that hurt me emotionally and give me headaches
yet who can i explain these things to, without they thinking im crazy ?
they dont understand.
especially men ,.
how can a man possibly understand and not say something like its pregnancy you know what you were getting into...
sometimes i cry at night because i crave an affection that i dont get .
yet i think, and i realize ive never gotten this affection.
ive never really been complimented in a really nice way like "you look pretty"
or something simple like that
yea ive gotten TONS of compliments from people that dont even matter
but the one man that does matter has yet to say it.
i think i have been one of the best women to be pregnant because i havent put my boyfriend through all the **** that i know
alot of women put their men through
and its by choice.
yeah sometimes i feel a major mood swing coming in
and i just go to the bathroom and relax
why push him away if im the one thats pregnant?
ive done all this for him !
what have i gotten?
although i may be upset at him right now that doesnt mean that i am saying all these things JUST because i am upset .
i am saying them because i mean them
i am saying them because i feel them
i am saying them because its what goes through my head and i cant confront him to tell him this without crying before even speaking
its been 8 years.
and i still dont know.
he may feel different things about me
but this is what i feel .
and what i have been feeling for a while.
its the simple things that matter to me the most.
and to him (although he may deny it) its the bigger things that matter.

Is this it?
Sometimes I feel like this is all we have
That this is all it will ever be
A young couple together for 10 years
2 kids
Never getting married
Same thing over and over again
Nothing exciting
I feel as if I want more sometimes
I don’t mean more as in another man
I mean more as in I want to feel more
More wanted, more loved, more like a woman who he can’t live without
I want it all
And yeah this may seem like I am asking for a fairytale
But fairytales are examples of things that can be worked up to
I don’t think people get fairytales
I think people make things happen and then that becomes their fairytale
I want a surprise here and there
I want to know that you think of me on special occasions the way I do
I don’t want to know that money is so short to get something
To do something special on a birthday
On a stupid holiday
Some thoughtful things don’t need money
But that’s what’s missing
The thought
I don’t want to live the average life that every couple lives
Its so cliché
I want sweet things
Like I said I want it all
I need it all…

If you really think about it
Life is a funny story
Things mostly happen to those that don't deserve it or maybe they do
My life is surrounded by many ups and downs
However my grief isn't the biggest around
Whatever I go through
Is my business
And what I don't go through
Is still my business
Signing on to AIM everyday
You encounter a new story telling away message
Which was written obviously because people are letting feelings out
And because they might want someone else to read it
One day someones happy...
The other they wanna just die/cry
Others rant about how good they are
And others are giving advice
Like I said life is a new experience everyday
I believe life is what you make of it
Things always happen for a reason
But everyone asks what is the reasoning behind it all...
No one can really give u that answer because part of life is to try to
figure out different things
To imagine that our footsteps were already carved for us
Is unbelievable
To imagine our lives not surrounded by grief
Is also unbelievable
Our troubles
Our smiles
Our tears
Our laughs
Is what keeps us going everyday
The way u resolve problems defines who u r
I guess u gotta make the best of it
no matter if u think otherwise cuz who cares what u think?
Open ya eyes and realize that life is here to stay
And even after we die...
Life goes on.......

My tears tell a never ending story of my life
Why can't I just be at peace while I'm trying to become your wife
I'm just surrounded by this bad luck
I'm a target for ******* that wanna ****.
Here's my story
(I'm better now so no need to worry)
"Getting out of work doing what I do best
Heading to my loveable nest
4 guys push up against me
I thought I was getting robbed again so I just handed my purse so they
can set me free
But they wanted more
They wanted to make me feel like a *****
Reliving my past in such a disgraceful way
Makes me so ashamed
These tears just can't describe what I feel
Even as I write it feels so real
I thought I was dreaming
But I realized I wasn't, that's when I started screaming
The first guy touched me in such awful ways
in such awful places
Then the second guy came and hurt me even worse
I was alone.
No one could hear me, I cried wishing I were home
The third guy was the look out, making sure noone was coming
It was like 1am Friday morning
What could have made these men so *****
Why me? Why me?

I cried,  pushed, scratched and kicked
While they ******, ****** and  licked
So gross it turns my stomach even now
I was trying my best to be real loud.
While the first two were done
I still had the 3rd and 4th  guy to come
They switched places
As if everything was so perfectly planned not to leave any traces
This was the worst part
I grabbed my chest feeling my pounding heart
The pain was increasing
The blood was flowing down my thigh
I was laying on my stomach while two guys held my arms
The other guy held my leg and the other one did the harm
I felt the tearing of my skin
and the blood glistening off my skin
They left me stranded laying on the cold pavement.
A woman came outside which seemed like an eternity.
All I wanted was you my by side loving me
She called a lot of people and they saw me
Right then and there I felt relieved
They took me into surgery
And I need a total of 15 stitches on me
Doctors said "You are lucky you aren't dead"
"You lost a lot of blood you see"
I thanked them and they left me to rest for the entire day
I slept and woke up and could only pray
Is there a god in this life of mine?
if there is, what does he think of me, I only want a sign...
Why doesn't he help me
Protect me
Haven't I suffered enough
I been through so much
Right now I just need u saying its not your fault its going to be okay
But I've realized that it has to be my fault there's nothing anyone can
say
I've re-experienced the past that I was growing out of
I was trying to live a new life only based on love
The last time I got ***** the man I was with said
"You're a ***** you let them do that . You should be dead"
This time, I await

I'm sitting down in the mirror faced with reality
I cant believe I have your mark on my face its brutality
I wonder what made you flip yell and scream
Every time you get jealous you cause a scene
Whether I'm in the way or I dress like a tease
You got me begging you to stop; I'm on my knees
I just don't know how I can love a man
Who stays catching a case
resorts to violence and places his hands on my face
Is this my fate?
Or maybe I'm scared to go
Cause you're the type of man that can't respect a NO
You say you love me, that it was your bad
but I think domestic love is the only thing you ever had..

And coming face to face with you was hard enough
Hearing ur voice just tore me apart
Listening to u speak
And understanding ur words killed me.
I lost years of understanding
Years of love
I added years of hate to my life
I added years of tears to my being
I became cold hearted because of who u were
Now I know why I was disowned
Now I know why u didn't speak to me
Now I know why I thought u hated me
Yet u added more grief to my life
I forgive u.
I swear I do.
Should I still be at fault?
It really wasn't my fault
My life hasn't been everything it could have been.
I would have been different.
She would have definitely been different and a better person.
We wouldn't be surrounded by this hate u brought into our lives
U never gave me a chance to explain.
We lost so much
We actually lost the most important.
I won't ever forget this.
I won't forget the tears I cried
I won't forget the pain I felt
I won't forget ur face
I won't forget the horror of u not being here.
I won't forget u after all

The man who loves me dries my tears for another man without knowing the true reasons for my tears
and that other man is you.
Its amazing how the years went by so fast
I found my new love
I found myself but in the back of my head my heart will always belong to you
Its been a good 10 years now. But I miss you so much
But am I the one to blame for holding on for so long if you always gave me reasons to hold on.

Since the last time of "us" you got married to an incredible woman
Shes beautiful. I envy this woman yet know she is the luckiest woman in the world
You have a beautiful son and I wish more than anything that you and I would've worked it out
But I ask you again, How can i possibly move on when you gave and still give me reasons to hold on
Everything you have said to me about our so called future and how there's still possibility for a true "us"
My weeping is silent
My tears are all these unspoken words
My feelings are my unsent letters

A few months ago I had the opportunity I had been waiting for
you wanted to be with me
you wanted to show me you still loved me
yet you wanted to show me behind your wife's back
then i thought if you would do it to her
then what makes me think you wont do it to me?
You know I love you .
You know I always will
I know you love me but in a completely different way
In no possible way do I regret my life though
My husband is amazing , he loves me and I have an amazing son.
A son I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

You shattered my glass heart and Im still holding the pieces although my hands are bleeding.
hoping that one day, ANY DAY you will come and just glue them together.
Maybe in reality I dont want you to come and glue these pieces together.
The man who loves me is doing that without even knowing what hes doing.
The last thing I want is for him to feel for me what I feel for you.

You are the man I loved with all my heart
But i am the woman who grew up 10 years later and finally realized that what I have
in my possession right now is way much better than anything I could possibly ever have with you.
No matter the pain I feel when I see you with her
My pain goes away with this unsent letter.
Come to think about it.. Maybe I will send it..