A poem for each past lover
An empty paper for you
A hell of intense pain to recover
So tell me what's new?

They said is he a kid?
Even you're a few years older
I ran out of sympathy
Don't blame me for being colder

You reminded me of my abuser
That you work with and praised -
Behind my back
Because you think im a crybaby -
not that i'm in pain

You said move on
After you left me in the dark
For so long
You left me a deep mark

Beauty is not -
Fair skin, small waist and skinny legs or -
Curvy figure, wavy hair and unflawed skin
The lights in your eyes ignites from the fuel that you consume

Everyone owns beauty
Your attire makes you like how your past shaped you

You said shine your way but your unconscious words are peeling the colour off - exposing your bare thoughts
Are you, you? Or are you just following - to fit in?

She warned you not to go out
Especially tonight when you are in doubt
Wigs or knifes to bring outside
Nothing that she cannot abide

It's dark to figure things out
With dead dolls in doubt
She stood behind in hidden sight
Waiting to escape through the dark light

Her dark eyes is somehow a charm
She attracts people with an open arm
Survive this night to meet the light
Nothing matters even the bright

Innocent souls holding pain and grudge
Calling their tribe covered in blood
Living their dark and painful lives
Together with sharp cherished knifes

One's red one's blue
Her hope lies between those two
She died with a grudge
Innocent soul covered in blood

Your broken mask is white
Showing what's inside to my sight
Silence and distance in one
Because sympathy exceeds anger

Energy is precious
Don't use on the suspicious
Given sense and claws
Are tests for people's flaws

Everything is cold and fake
Making me a hobo venturing to states
Smoking cigarettes in fake faces
Unaware with their own faeces

I hope they are still in sin
Because the anger that i feel inside is still lingering
In my heart, is where pain sits
Forced positivity doesn’t help an inch

They say don’t feel things you can
Because bullets shouldn’t penetrate a man
Don’t pull the trigger
If you don’t want to start the bitter
Control your outburst better
Before it eats you later

They grieve, growl, and gaggle
They can't see their torn trousers, but their eyes are keen towards the others
They offer help, but talk about it when things happened
They ask for help, but gets bitter with the helpless
They plead the others to speak out, but shut them down when words are poured
They want their needs to be satisfied, but blurted out bullets to the helpless
They want their feelings to be pampered, but stomp out words that provokes

Is that you or i clung on to you?
I thought you were my daylight
But you are just an unfixed emotion
Changing where you should land
To fill your void and attention

You dont know what you do
You are from a different circle -
That shaped you
Breaking soft hearts, playing victim
Are you aware of the consequences of your actions?

Heartbreaks after heartbreaks
I am the only one sinking in
Different honestly when you tell
You can't quite understand as well
I healed myself without you
Not knowing my intense hurt from you

Put an end to this, God
He came back to me
When all i wanted to do
Is to unknow him and heal
My painful heart, dont be
Dependent on the hurt
You are better than
A messed up soul

I met you in January -
When the sun wasn't shining
The skies were dark and cloudy
The voices in my head were tuning to my usual distrust

You were afraid and sympathetic towards my tremble
Your deep voice and comforting words were sinking in my usual distrust

You tossed undisguised words that were annoying but painless
You digged my ground to understand -
And believed in all my words
No judgments, no false assumptions were made -
Excluding the father part

It felt like a ray of light was shining through my dark clouds
You lit up the darkness
You gave me hope again
March, 2018 -
Was the last time we met

it's like the ocean is bringing me in sadness
in the car otw to risk myself
feeling a tint of sadness while being tipsy
it's me that decides
don't know how it will turn out
worst or whatever

Pain can only heal -
when it is seen and heard
In a world that is full of suffering
People make pain as a competition
They said strength is covering
Use distractions and external addition

I'm so tired to be forced to speak
and feel worse of responses -
that normalize abuse
They overuse the word abuse -
and lose its real meaning of agony

I'm so tired to shut myself down
and pour from an empty cup -
because other people have it worse

Pain can only heal -
when it is seen and heard
They said it's my fault -
because i'm vulnerable and quiet
Is that genuine support?
Or a mind of a stunted adult?

I hate passing through a dark tunnel that has pieces of my past
The way you threw your anger out at me unnecessarily -
Was how I was raised
By the time that piece came,
I knew I shouldn’t risk to stay

For my progressing mind and health -
Good surroundings is a priority
I’m not afraid to flick you and move
Because i know myself more than you

When hopes are held high, so high
I wonder, am I still in your mind?

My feelings are keep at bay
Not even a soul knows how I'm in pain

I wish I never fall that easily for you
When you keep staring deeply into my eyes

Grief and gratitude mixed in one
Like smokers miss their nicotine even when it is not divine

If you ask me, it's because sometimes I am inhibited
Thinking too much about how I should act and speak while your loud energy shut my ******* soul out of my body
Thinking too much about which side of myself that I can reveal to match with your personality
Examining my steps so that I won't slip into your hasty judgments later
Or maybe because I am just feeling uncomfortable with your impulsive bones protruding out of your body
I don't speak if I don't want to
And I can speak for hours if I want to
Call me mute and boring when all I see in you is an ignorant child craving for attention
I can't see the point of sharing words from my heart to people who I don't even trust
Because people tend to scribble out the truth with their own perceptions