twenty something

It's funny how years and years go by
in a place
where pain once burrowed
so intently
at that time
when it had nothing else to do
but torture my limbs
and make heavy my knees
i remember hating my feet
for weeks I didn't speak
defeat
that swelled my eyes
I was a baby
and you were mine
and I chased you
like a dog
I was always a dog
I followed you to the end of your smile
and kissed it so many times
more than I'd ever kissed anyone
still to this day
I praise you
much differently than then
of course
we are both women now
we still share the same friends
but you're never around when I'm with them
I get this, it's different
and I don't even mean to think about it
I just remember growing
and you were always around
and I always chased you
I think I still chase you
and I know i'm still growing
I've just always needed to say thank you for that

my first love letter
my first gin and tonic
you planted passion in me
you were older
and I was under
& you didn't live in Texas
and I wonder sometimes
about you
and if when I was
16 that any of my
w i s h e s
for you would ever come true
and they didn't
but I always got you
you were always mine
you are my never-ending story
and I will forever
g l o r i f y you in my mind
because everything I know
about anything that I show up with
was influenced by you
you taught me how to write
you are a painting on the walls of
my chest
in lipstick
i always wanted to smear your lipstick
and fall asleep tangled in your legs
and I never knew what any of that meant
and when I did, I associated it with you
I think I still do
I am older now and I can sift through that
quickly and speak to you better
& now this chest is so comfortable where I keep you
even though I never grew out of wanting to
I guess I'll never stop loving you
and I'm grateful for that
because I've loved you for 11 years
and this love has taught me more than
anyone who i've wasted my senses on

She loses him every night.
He kisses her good-
Night and walks out into
-Then out of- the streetlight
And into the Out, and
She knows
It's to
Write.

I try to take a walk, I try to close
My eyes; I try to leave behind
The things I see as lies; the ones
You see with daily eyes, but I give up;
It's just so ******* beautiful.

I try to get as drunk as Man can get,
I dream of drugs to throw my soul as
Far away from all of it and name it
****, but it's just too *******
Beautiful.

I try to burn the discs and files with
All the knowledge my father has
Collected of our history, but ****, it
Means too much to me, and it's just
So ******* beautiful.  

Last week we found a paper at the
Site, from '93 and who'd believe
The thickness and the price of
Mobiles that were barely that,
Back then. I try to

Feel ashamed when my girl's youth
Is my lack thereof  
But we laugh together and that just
Makes it 'nice and old' and just so
**** beautiful.

I only barely saw the seventies; the
Tiniest pants I ever wore were
Bell-bottoms.
They were so
*******
Beautiful.

And she said…

I luv you,
?
Where’s the

O-v-e-

R
we truly
Over?

Or just yet
To begin?

Well, *** u

It’s convenient
To shorten words
To speed the converse
But love
Should be handled
With delicacy
You’re lack of concern
Brought
“I luv u 2”
In return
You’re more mathematical
Than poetical
And I accept our difference
But your indifference
Once I brought it
To your attention
Is well worth
The “*** you” aforementioned