like a brick hurdling through a wall of fog
i will never forget that phone call
it took less than a nanosecond to react
a steinway deluged with my tears
the beginning of a ride i would have put off forever.

like lightning radiating through a mundane darkness
i will never forget that spark
it took less than a nanosecond to react
a stodart consumed with my focus
a beautiful ride i thought i'd lost forever.

Forever

fleeting?

I lost you here.

But here you reappeared
Stronger from absence
Compassion without sense
Somehow this was the best way to break the waiting

Two old men
with the deepest understanding of me
Never to meet
Maybe better in dreams
But in the end, a more complete me
Always trusting feelings instead of how it seems

yes, my standards are high and my pace is quick
they think i'm jumping to conclusions
while i back away from the door that wasn't really mine to open.
or look inside myself and honor that things are not right here
look down the pike and see a role i'm not truly meant to play.

nostalgia is a seductive liar
i find,
no matter how fluffy I make the memories
they are inseparable from an inevitable pain
the body's attempt at a reality check
don't forget what really happened.

sure, i'll get *****
but not from you dragging me through the mud.

please stop undermining your
                          convictions
               knowledge
       opinions
they are there due to genuine care.

~integrity, steadiness, honesty, clarity~
you know the components...
use them!

wonder not, "what if"
but think, i can

a minute used to create the excuse
is better spent showing them why you
do not need one.

                         you know
                            you can

"demand to play what you want to hear"

it's easy to forget
if you let your guard down just for one second,
all of your lifetime's supply of ******* manages to surface
and before you realize what's happening you're too far down the hole

spend so much time trying to match time's pace
denounce analyzing the past until
the tears are pouring down your face

are the feelings irrelevant then? did you just let your guard down for too long and get caught up in a fleeting emotion,
or are they a literal cry for help

dig into this twisted tangled psyche and help undo these knots maybe that's all life stories and bad habits are, knots that keep getting tighter every time you forget to pay attention.
the ***** trick is:
speed of light is a joke to speed of tight
but the forgotten secret
is that *they can be undone at any time

"Love is patient,
love is kind
and is not jealous"
>>>why is jealousy now an easy frame of
mind
my own ******* business<<<
past is past
don't let these fleeting feelings be the only thing that
lasts

firsts

this is no introduction to a new kind of
hurt.

"love is not provoked,
does not take into account a wrong suffered"
the fight to be rational
keeps

getting


tougher.

enamored, disgusted, confused, what's true?
now i'm drinking as much as you
growing fat and always tired
i can't believe it when I'm told I "inspire"
crawl into my ******* bed
stare you down while you're giving me head

overthinking
overdrinking
over all this mindless sinking

"[love] rejoices with the truth;
bears all things,
believes all things,
hopes all things,
endures all things"

back in a hole

focus closer, darling
zoom into that intuition
sometimes you can't identify
whether your heart is light
and airy with joy
or tipping towards the edge of catastrophe
spiral downwards and reconsider
the possibility of your artificial concept of happiness
inflated sense of self when, really,
if only they knew how deflated you feel.
years of self-medicating with closeness
intimacy
and losing yourself trying to hold on.
but forget not, please remember,
the light and lightness that return
once you let go
and come back
to yourself.
focus, love.
see through your own fog.
and come back.

truly, things have never been better
right on track to the me for so long
i have wanted to be
brutal honesty has a place in this picture perfect picture
(naturally)
and so i must shine a light on this ugly(?) truth:
i've buried you a hundred times
and still the memory of you transcends the dirt.
my not quite cowboy...
i loved being your city girl.
i'm on automatic to stop myself from
remembering what your love felt like
that girl is still here but at the same time
very far gone.
you would be so proud
or maybe not
i don't know if there's even a grip on you anymore
but in case you're with me right now,
i'm proud of you & think of you often
except i think if i ever see you again i'll instantly
melt.
:'(

it's easy to be selfless
until you find you've been selfish
exalted til you're looking up from the dirt
bold til your fears are looking back at you
(and having a good laugh in doing so)
an unquestionably great lover
while really, a pain in the ***
a model flower of the family in a field so removed
until you turn around to see you're as strong-willed a branch
grown on the same tree.

the days are different
consistently inconsistent
discouragement encouraged
hating the waiting
wading in uncertainty
grandiose plans
what is this rate of success?
latecomer
shooting for the moon
still too of earth
trying to transcend
when

truth-
the direction of my energy is going to more productive places
than reserving hours each day to mourn a thing that used to be
second truth-
you were rooted more in my mind than in my heart
which is why i've thought so many things for you aside from true love,
which would be wishing you the best.
resentment is easier to harness than open sadness
but now i see that the heart must be open & wounded
before it can harden.
(i tried to skip all that...)
pangs still come
deeply through music or mundanely while turning onto a given street
saudade will strike; dismissed weakly via anger or fruitfully through
mindfully acknowledging these
parting truths:

there is much for me to continue learning and exploring inside of myself, and a day will come where another soul in this Universe will present itself through the kind of love I need, so painstakingly clear and this experience will be looked back upon in its appropriate light- a necessary painful stepping stone rung on the ladder that prepared me for what I've always wanted.

satiate this all-encompassing madness you pull me into
of mind of body of object of desire
p       e       r        s       p        i         r         e
wake me only to take me
to no divide
no give, no take
only to
Be
one
pulse

The [safe life] is the most dangerous one to live.  

Your invincibility is another way
To show your weakness
The cyber invitation you give
To share in your 'uniqueness'
Is denying the truth in your days-
Reality isn’t pressed through a sieve.

To be constantly engaged
In bright lights instead of
bright smiles
brings you closer to

n u m b  n e s s

  &


    f  u  r  t   h    e     r


      f  r   o   m  

                  feel

Because how can
anyone
truly gauge
A n yt h  i ng  real
when all they know
is how to conceal?

it’ll take a while….

but your soul is worth the save.

How does one possibly start
the terrifying journey to,
>>once again<<<
hear their heart?
To be alive when
things feel blue
is to welcome the feelings you
so fiercely dart.

When your body allows
what your mind is fighting,
though pain is at high tide
inner {wrongs} you are righting.
Perhaps your world will
seem less of a mess,
If you trade in slighting
for direct address.
A sad tributary leads to
an ocean of happiness~

Of all the experiences we share
A reality check is our least favorite.
Cloaked in excuses so consistently incredulous
My incredible feet would already be out the door on someone else
But it's you.
So instead I enter an alternate reality
Where like black magic I can turn my
Anger or sadness (depending on the day),
Into the selfless, understanding, and forgiving love
I've been craving from you since the first time
Our eyes became windows to our souls in seconds
In that all-consuming stare where my body sent
The most intense electric signals deep down to my core,
Since the first time you finally tasted
Every addictively sweet είσοδος of my body
Knowing every lick you gave me,
Every sacred act of worship
Would loosen the locks on the iron gate of your fragile heart.
Would you rather feel crazy or live in fear?
We each pick our poison.
I've never seen a structure like yours up close
Twisted pillars to form that tortured cage around your heart,
Regrettably sealed shut,
Its crevices filled with just enough rose-colored glass
To somehow make me ignore all your mangled metal.
Seeing isn't always believing (even though I've seen it-
but more importantly, felt it,)
The precious flower bud in the middle of your iron prison
The loveliest shade of potential I've ever laid love on;
How could seeing be believing
When my favorite flower has yet to bloom?

with a smile, I think:
*******
and you
both took my kindness for granted
trying to re-enter through the click of a button
and a few hollow words?
this loving person you are trying to reach is no longer available.
thank you for your ****** behavior
for bringing me to my senses
affirming that this ambition
and latest version of success
leave no room for either of you.
enjoy my absence! (i'm learning to love yours)

obsessing over *******
just quit
"just sing it"
all you've got is a piercing tone?
think you can make it with that alone?
rough around the edges
only to guard [nothing]
black, hollow space
trick yourself into thinking
you're rising above
instead
of
sinking
at your core, nothing more than-

well, ****
if you're going to let M(e)[go] rule you,
why stop doing what {we} used to do?
superiority was top priority
your only authority!
how i fooled you
and others, too
where kindness makes you cringe
and your own is just a
fleeting twinge
where you praise your sins
and darkness wins

out of control
and giving in

find it so simple to push one idea,
way of life,
(you)
away, and hop on board another
i still hate the way you play
even more now that i hear myself in it.
your creativity always astounded me...

"each one teaches me something"
so i say
while i slowly realize i share in all of their worst qualities
boredom and pride
attachment and irrationality
introversion and doubt [your recent contribution]

why am i so afraid to
[pause]
take the chance to put everything out in open space where people can catch it and roll it up {backspace<<<<
inside of their brains where it's malleable and ornate
demonstrate and configurate the dimension of how they feel about it
too big of a chance what reaction will surface when i don't have one to hold on to                                                          
    ­                              (freefall)

clamp onto something familiar
takes you out of Now and into ego
what answers do you truly have ?
they're in the books and pieces and projects and dreams and places that you've started all so strong but lost the steam to see any one through
what happened to that current inside of you
electric i thought
but dormant it appears
trading fruition for the breath of your fears

because of
our easiness
the warmth
hair
tan on ivory
the smoke
leg quivers
satisfaction and relief
big round nails
no rules
the exact angle i wouldn't trade for the world

i know it's good

how long have i been sitting here
just came out of a fog
minutes and hours and years///Dear girl you are so desperately trying to force something out for what, validation? and for what validation? don't you know by now that it's not to serve yourself but serve the Universe
     well yes that's why i took 30 minutes to sit and notate it Keep my fake shades on like the artificial front that they are to shield "me" from a reality check black chic loner with cold tired feet flick some ash onto the curb you feel good when you get it on the first try isn't that everything in your life?...you just said this morning you're coming back to life yet I'm still right here and you lay before me struggling to escape my sweet suffocating deprecating embrace. run from the only things that ever made so much sense in your life, keep inviting fallacies and waiting for him to finally lose his love for you, how when you've found two of the biggest answers you've ever been searching for can you be manipulated into honoring an evil side? you can't possibly still be 80% water at least 30% smoke 20% weakness 10% greed 9% rules 6% haste 4% waste 3.1% not giving yourself credit and just a little bit left over for all the big dreams that wilt in the darkness of your head guess they don't care to know too badly how the sunshine feels

the only way out is through
you had taken a back burner again
i was working hard and dreaming big for myself
took the first leap
but now here you are again, front and center
my chest unbalanced
on the brink of eruption
((why do i only keep tissues in the car?))
it hurts because i thought i was over it
but i was wrong today when i said "i feel like i'm back at square one"
no, i've become stronger...
undoubtedly stronger.
i'm hurting like before, except now i see the light at the end of the tunnel
instead of trusting it would reveal itself later.

be careful what you wish for,
you just might get it.
watching this show and idly envying the kind of love
that makes you crazy
only to briefly remember these last 48 hours
it's you i have it with
except the good part where we kiss and make up
(the part that makes it all worth it)
is only a hazy memory now
or, lose the euphemism--
a dead reality.

this is where my closure is
knowing, truly, that you
will never be what i need you to be.
and if you ever get there, i know it will be too late
time to let you go now
without anger, just crushing disappointment.

fine lines
b e  t   w    e     e      n
striving for greatness
and belittling the progress
setting a goal
but chastising the process
unclear on what to offer
and convincing yourself it's currently {nothing}
tempering ego  or
                            Ego >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>                   ((destroys it all))
                            tempting?
taming              ­          
              or      
                            sha­ming                                **?

"it's crazy how much aesthetics affect your wellbeing"
well, being
as we reconvened in the same place that ignited the spark
of course it was gonna feel good again
and being, well
back in the place where love was our life
of course i'm going to miss you

the time for irrational excuses has run out
i feel stuck in an hourglass that, while surely moving,
its direction and what [who] it's covering is indetectable
asking far too many questions and finding too few answers
is this a delusion?
do you miss him or the ease?
forgive or not?
where to draw a line?
what the **** are you doing??

the truth sets you free, baby
beyond all the shortcomings
you miss sweet, reciprocated bliss.

who needs 7 hours when you can sleep for 12
why go to the gym when you're carrying a cinderblock in your chest
if i keep eating all this salt maybe it'll absorb all my tears

as much as you think you value [people]
the trap door to deep appreciation only seems to open once they're gone

my mentor says,
"I'm so proud of you. Everything that happened this summer was such a catalyst for you"
I reply,
"Yes, piano's never been better. My personal life is in shambles, but hey..."
she laughs and says,
"Sometimes our lives mirror our music...or the opposite. But don't let that go on for too long..."

the only way out is through

i think i can only juggle [x] many bad habits at once
only come within [x] feet of the edge of self-destruction
drop one [ex], swap it out with another {puff}
meditate in the morning,
cry & scream in the afternoon,
sigh in the evening.

>>>bits of wax seal on my floor
time to seal all that up again.

and as for you, M
are you the crazy one,
or is it all in my head?<<<

after your heart is torn open
they say to not let yourself harden.
i thought I was doing my **** best,
but maybe I'm just bitter
for not getting what i wanted.

i like to think i can take things
preface and limit-free
but i'm starting to realize one "wrong" thing
can change the course of my whole being

this brain's got me feeling like "i'm out to lunch"
"lost my marbles"
[want to get] "out of my mind"

~wake
enthralled
determined.
h    o     u    r     s     together seem minutes
running full speed ahead >>>>>>>>>>> !
holding on tightly, trying to learn to let go
escaping the tension
{i must eliminate it altogether}

a click of the heels...
and how my fingers feel!


                                                        m­y man or my art?

[both] happening *Now.

wrong day to misplace my sunglasses
(they even let crying become incognito)
heavy heart all the way home
can't wait yet dreading the mailbox
(it isn't empty)
sometimes mail gets lost between the pages of a circular
so i violently shuffled each page to the floor
(to no avail)
no bittersweet white envelope to appear
and in this ****** time i realized
i hadn't had a cigarette in almost a day
usually "the right time" points to when things are good
i think the right time to quit might be now
when so many things
feel at their
worst.
so far so good
(32 hours)
how bout quitting you next?

i̶t̶'̶s̶ ̶a̶l̶l̶ ̶b̶e̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶d̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶i̶t̶'̶s̶ ̶a̶l̶l̶ ̶b̶e̶e̶n̶ ̶d̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶b̶e̶f̶o̶r̶e̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶m̶u̶c̶h̶ ̶a̶l̶r̶e̶a̶d̶y̶ ̶o̶u̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶r̶e̶ ̶y̶e̶a̶r̶s̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶p̶r̶a̶c̶t̶i̶c̶e̶ ̶c̶o̶m̶p̶e̶t̶i̶t̶i̶o̶n̶s̶ ̶g̶r̶e̶a̶t̶ ̶t̶e̶a̶c̶h̶e̶r̶s̶ ̶c̶o̶n̶c̶e̶r̶t̶ ̶s̶c̶h̶e̶d̶u̶l̶e̶s̶ ̶l̶a̶b̶e̶l̶s̶ ̶t̶i̶t̶l̶e̶s̶ ̶m̶o̶r̶e̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶e̶s̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶n̶ ̶i̶ ̶c̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ ̶e̶v̶e̶r̶ ̶r̶e̶t̶a̶i̶n̶ ̶e̶f̶f̶o̶r̶t̶l̶e̶s̶s̶ ̶g̶r̶a̶v̶i̶t̶y̶ ̶f̶i̶g̶u̶r̶e̶d̶ ̶o̶u̶t̶ ̶r̶e̶l̶i̶a̶b̶l̶e̶ ̶e̶v̶e̶r̶y̶ ̶t̶i̶m̶e̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶r̶e̶ ̶y̶e̶t̶ ̶w̶h̶e̶n̶ ̶w̶h̶e̶n̶ ̶w̶h̶e̶n̶ ̶w̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶a̶d̶d̶ ̶h̶o̶w̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶c̶o̶n̶t̶r̶i̶b̶u̶t̶e̶ ̶w̶a̶l̶k̶ ̶a̶w̶a̶y̶

gravitate towards the people the music the places the questions the books the energies the food the sounds the ideas that inspire you combined with the daily effort to be better than yesterday [better than five hours ago] better than the last recording achieve technical reliability and consistency with knowledge and experience absorb all but forge your own path "I am not a rat in a maze" I am not them I am me allow me to show you what that looks feels and sounds like

the way it works right now
the answer
you beat me, i made it though
this way?
do it! do it!
if i get better than you, i'm gonna beat your ***
***** WHAT
AY
that's how i feel
oh i said
too
so hard to be
oppress
you know
get it
yeah
who are you to say that
dead ***
guiding
can't
same concept

if i didn't know better,
i'd think i had two sets of lungs-
my heart is screaming for you.