focus closer, darling
zoom into that intuition
sometimes you can't identify
whether your heart is light
and airy with joy
or tipping towards the edge of catastrophe
spiral downwards and reconsider
the possibility of your artificial concept of happiness
inflated sense of self when, really,
if only they knew how deflated you feel.
years of self-medicating with closeness
intimacy
and losing yourself trying to hold on.
but forget not, please remember,
the light and lightness that return
once you let go
and come back
to yourself.
focus, love.
see through your own fog.
and come back.

Of all the experiences we share
A reality check is our least favorite.
Cloaked in excuses so consistently incredulous
My incredible feet would already be out the door on someone else
But it's you.
So instead I enter an alternate reality
Where like black magic I can turn my
Anger or sadness (depending on the day),
Into the selfless, understanding, and forgiving love
I've been craving from you since the first time
Our eyes became windows to our souls in seconds
In that all-consuming stare where my body sent
The most intense electric signals deep down to my core,
Since the first time you finally tasted
Every addictively sweet είσοδος of my body
Knowing every lick you gave me,
Every sacred act of worship
Would loosen the locks on the iron gate of your fragile heart.
Would you rather feel crazy or live in fear?
We each pick our poison.
I've never seen a structure like yours up close
Twisted pillars to form that tortured cage around your heart,
Regrettably sealed shut,
Its crevices filled with just enough rose-colored glass
To somehow make me ignore all your mangled metal.
Seeing isn't always believing (even though I've seen it-
but more importantly, felt it,)
The precious flower bud in the middle of your iron prison
The loveliest shade of potential I've ever laid love on;
How could seeing be believing
When my favorite flower has yet to bloom?

yes, my standards are high and my pace is quick
they think i'm jumping to conclusions
while i back away from the door that wasn't really mine to open.
or look inside myself and honor that things are not right here
look down the pike and see a role i'm not truly meant to play.

nostalgia is a seductive liar
i find,
no matter how fluffy I make the memories
they are inseparable from an inevitable pain
the body's attempt at a reality check
don't forget what really happened.

sure, i'll get *****
but not from you dragging me through the mud.

truly, things have never been better
right on track to the me for so long
i have wanted to be
brutal honesty has a place in this picture perfect picture
(naturally)
and so i must shine a light on this ugly(?) truth:
i've buried you a hundred times
and still the memory of you transcends the dirt.
my not quite cowboy...
i loved being your city girl.
i'm on automatic to stop myself from
remembering what your love felt like
that girl is still here but at the same time
very far gone.
you would be so proud
or maybe not
i don't know if there's even a grip on you anymore
but in case you're with me right now,
i'm proud of you & think of you often
except i think if i ever see you again i'll instantly
melt.
:'(

the only way out is through
you had taken a back burner again
i was working hard and dreaming big for myself
took the first leap
but now here you are again, front and center
my chest unbalanced
on the brink of eruption
((why do i only keep tissues in the car?))
it hurts because i thought i was over it
but i was wrong today when i said "i feel like i'm back at square one"
no, i've become stronger...
undoubtedly stronger.
i'm hurting like before, except now i see the light at the end of the tunnel
instead of trusting it would reveal itself later.

be careful what you wish for,
you just might get it.
watching this show and idly envying the kind of love
that makes you crazy
only to briefly remember these last 48 hours
it's you i have it with
except the good part where we kiss and make up
(the part that makes it all worth it)
is only a hazy memory now
or, lose the euphemism--
a dead reality.

this is where my closure is
knowing, truly, that you
will never be what i need you to be.
and if you ever get there, i know it will be too late
time to let you go now
without anger, just crushing disappointment.

with a smile, I think:
*******
and you
both took my kindness for granted
trying to re-enter through the click of a button
and a few hollow words?
this loving person you are trying to reach is no longer available.
thank you for your ****** behavior
for bringing me to my senses
affirming that this ambition
and latest version of success
leave no room for either of you.
enjoy my absence! (i'm learning to love yours)

truth-
the direction of my energy is going to more productive places
than reserving hours each day to mourn a thing that used to be
second truth-
you were rooted more in my mind than in my heart
which is why i've thought so many things for you aside from true love,
which would be wishing you the best.
resentment is easier to harness than open sadness
but now i see that the heart must be open & wounded
before it can harden.
(i tried to skip all that...)
pangs still come
deeply through music or mundanely while turning onto a given street
saudade will strike; dismissed weakly via anger or fruitfully through
mindfully acknowledging these
parting truths:

there is much for me to continue learning and exploring inside of myself, and a day will come where another soul in this Universe will present itself through the kind of love I need, so painstakingly clear and this experience will be looked back upon in its appropriate light- a necessary painful stepping stone rung on the ladder that prepared me for what I've always wanted.