Nathaniel Brenner

Nathaniel Brenner Mar 2015

I desire

The strength of an Olympian
The peace of a Tibetan monk
The will of a rights leader
The innocence of a child
The fearlessness of a stunt man
The dreams of an astronaut
The romance of poet
The wisdom of a sage
The patience of a hunter
The balance of a gymnast
The touch of an artist

And the body of a **** star.

I will do my best for all of these things.
But really, the **** star body is non-negotiable.

Heh

Nathaniel Brenner Mar 2015

Single fear

Most days
I have a single fear:
That my life is just a dream
From which I might soon wake.

If this life is but a dream
Please let me stay asleep.

Life is amazing.

Nathaniel Brenner Mar 2015

Sages of Old

I long to write with the sages of old,
To bask in the shadow of their might.
To soak in the ideas they cast aside,
In hopes that I might be worthy of their waste.

I dream of playing alongside the greats,
To see their skill put on display.
To be inspired by the sheer force of will,
The driving pain in each push forward.

I desire to sail with the explorers,
Those who conquered the seas with stars and wood.
To experience the exhilaration of the unknown,
And feel the freedom of a life unbound.

I wish to study the masters of science,
To take notes on their great experiments.
To be in the background of the great discoveries,
The shattering pressure of defining truth.

I crave to walk with the changers of the world,
The protesters, the leaders, the speakers.
To hear them, feel them, experience them,
To be witness to the suffering of progress.

I hunger to ride with the conquerors,
To witness ruthless minds destroy adversity.
To see brutality aimed in a specific direction,
The utter destruction of an enemy.

I lust to suit up with the pilots,
To join the brave on every first journey.
To cross the Atlantic, the world, to outer space,
Experiencing the thrill of the life on the edge.

The greatest sadness that I find in life,
Is that I cannot travel back in time.
That I will never meet my heroes,
Is a sobering and saddening fact.

Instead, I am becoming my own,
I am becoming one of the masters.
I will join the ranks of the great,
And I will finally experience the thrill.

Notes (optional)

Nathaniel Brenner Mar 2015

Romance of Defeat

It seems to me
That the things I left untouched
Turned out to be the best.
And the things that I tried to fix
to win
to defeat
to help
Are worse than they were before.

It seems to me
I must find a certain romance
In people I cannot save.
And the battles that I cannot win
survive
escape
end
Are the only battles worth fighting.

Nathaniel Brenner Mar 2015

The Energy

I don't think I have the energy to be me. I don't have the energy to work out and run 5 miles every day. I am too tired to greet friends with enthusiasm and genuine joy. I lack the will to take risks and seize every chance I get. I don't have the strength to introduce myself to random strangers, strike up a conversation, and be friends. I don't have the time to be a part of every club and team. I don't have the energy to hit every party in one night. I don't have the rest to stay up all night, doing crazy things. I don't have the energy to fight the many battles I am in or the energy to make peace. I don't have the zeal to try new things. I don't have the passion to continue learning what I'm interested in. I don't have the desire to be sarcastic and joke about life. I just don't.

All these things make me who I am. All these things wear me thin and tire me out. The reward isn't big enough any more, the pain is too much, the effort to great. I want to let it collapse around me so badly. I want to fall into one of those people who do nothing but school, work, and Netflix. What a relaxing life that might be. No self inflicted pressures or expectations, no failures or effort, no rejection or hurt. It seems... safe. It would be safe to not be me, safe and comfortable. Maybe then I'd have the energy.

But I don't want to change. I don't want to be anyone else.

I love being me. I love who I am and all that I do. As tiring, as frustrating, as painful as it can be, I know that it is better than the alternative, that dreadful, seductive, alternative. At least this way I am alive. I am living, experiencing the world through more than just a screen. I am out here, on my own, actively shaping the world around me. I can never let myself slip, sliding into the easy life of safety and comfort. There is no adventure there, no danger to get the blood pumping. I desire passion and adrenaline, to remember just how ******* good the air tastes after it is almost taken from you forever. I need complexity, improvement, and experience, I need to feel things on a deeper level. I want more than what is found in a safe life. I want to live, I want to love, I want to Be.

That is why I know that I will always find a way. I know that I'll find something to keep me going during the hardest and most tiring of times. I'll always find something to pull myself back up when I fall. I cannot slip into that dark alternative, for to do so would be akin to the death of me, the death of Nathaniel, the death of who I am.

That is the difference, I think, I wanted too much of life. I think that is the reason it never quite clicked, quite had the right connection. It just didn't give me what I needed to be happy.

Nathaniel Brenner Mar 2015

It was not slow

Falling in love was not slow,
It was not hard,
It was painless.

It happened in a heartbeat,
With a blink,
With a flash,
With a snap,
With a clap,
With a wink.

One second I was not,
The next I was.
I didn't know how.
I didn't know why.
But I knew it instantly.
I loved the love.
It became me,
Overtook me,
Consumed me.

Nathaniel Brenner Mar 2015

To Whisper

To whisper "I love you" into her ear,
The greatest joy of my life.
Tickling hair as I lay near,
Brightest star in my night.

Here she stars on a stage,
Overwhelming the crowd.
Grace unmet in every age,
Their silent applause roars loud.

I long to be a part of her,
To revel in her soul.
My darker depths begin to stir,
When I relenquish my control.

I cannot help the way I am,
So in love and so alive.
She is the sun and I the sand,
Playing in the beach of life.

Her toes form in tiny curls,
When in her sleep she dreams.
I long to know the dreaming worlds,
When she lies softly beside me.

Where does she wander nightly,
When she drifts off into sleep?
Soft breathing, ever lightly,
Her mind delving deep.

To whisper "I love you" into her ear,
The purpose for which I exist.
To pull her closer, hold her near,
Nothing greater than this.