1/23/13

Writhing hearts lay in their boxes,
Pumping furiously, ever trying.
Absorbing all the deadly toxins,
Unconsciously, slowly dying.

They hold on to a brighter hope,
That something good lies ahead.
Yet they don't have the wider scope,
That would suffocate with dread.

They think their boxes tight enough,
Thinking nothing can get in.
But the world has already called their bluff,
The cracks, though many, are thin.

The toxic vapors squeeze through,
To watch the hearts as they try.
Breathing words golden and true,
Breeding yet another lie.

With each new painful deception,
A heart beats unsteady.
Until the heart makes the correction,
It will never be ready.

Societal fumes of such despair,
Block the saving oxygen.
There is not enough mountain air,
To save the hearts from sin.

In their boxes they will beat,
Unsteady as they go.
They have already learned defeat,
Lies are all they know.

I float away and look to the sky,
Just wondering, wondering why.
I yell aloud all my frustration,
My voice increasing my perturbation.
I think about the doubts inside,
All the feelings I am trying to hide.
I think I might be different than the rest,
Maybe something is different in my chest.
I think that maybe my head is off.
I think maybe I was made too soft.
I stop my yells as I realize,
That the answer is in these starry skies.
Finally I can see,
That it's just me.
Im not special, nothing different at all,
So many others have felt this pall,
Nothing more than another number,
No brighter than any other.
I'm just another star,
Up there where a billion others are.
I'm nothing new.
Nothing more true.
I'm just little old me,
Tossed around on an endless sea.
Floating, sometimes bobbing under,
Feeling the world's endless hunger.
Because I can see every star,
None more than the others are.
Just like me, plain old me,
Just another drop in this endless sea.

My thoughts are grim and dark,
Of that terrored night in the park.
I can't help but cringe as I,
Remember the night I tried to die.

At the lowest of my power,
That the night of my darkest hour.
I momentarily escaped my soul,
Abandoned myself, lost control.

An hour spent at dead sprint,
The clouds finally catching the hint.
Thunderous drops beating the path,
Synced in tune to my crimson wrath.

The lightning seemed to illuminate,
All of my branching, shadowy hate.
Fury seething in blue-eyed shrouds,
Matched the roiling, blackened clouds.

I felt the burning in my legs prevail,
Collapsing off the lakeside trail.
Headlong into a chilly black,
A liquid greed began it's attack.

Sodden clothes pulling down,
Soaked jacket just begging to drown.
A thousand bubbles struggle to rise,
Mind considering this odd demise.

To never feel her pain again,
To abandon the temptation of sin,
To leave this wretched world behind,
To finally meet others of my kind.

These thoughts flashing in my brain,
Convincing to never breath again.
So beautiful was the lightning above,
A more perfect grave I could think not of.

With peaceful mind and closed eye,
My angel watched the old me die.
He stood there looking down with love,
Praying for intercession from above.

Hitting bottom, something changed.
Tortured soul no longer deranged.
I remembered the beauty in her face,
That I came from a happy place.

The lightning above now inspiration,
To abandon this weak, watery temptation.
Through twelve feet I struggled to rise,
The angel answering my new cries.

An eternity spent without breath,
Blacking out on the verge of death,
Finally floundering to the blessed air,
Limbs trembling, but without despair.

I somehow pulled myself up to the path,
That two minutes ago felt my wrath.
Now felt nothing but loathing disgust,
Having broken my own sacred trust.

Struggling on to hard park bench,
The storm could do no more to drench,
No fury was left in a single bone,
I was finally ready to atone.

I could never again lose control,
Never let anger blind my soul.
No more to fight, time to remake,
Reborn within a parkside lake.

Returning soaked at four in the morning,
My parents gave a concerned warning,
The hazards of being out in a storm.
Then brought some coffee to keep me warm.

Ask me now and I will write,
A poem for you to read tonight.
I will fill it with meter and rhyme,
Bursting out of every line.
Packed with emotion, joy or strife,
Or just a description of everyday life.
If you ask for me to uplift,
I may struggle to make that shift.
But this poem is just for you,
If it is happy, I'm happy too.
Writing of daisies, or lateness of hour,
The love in a smile, or summer shower,
I won't falter, I won't stall,
It doesn't matter, I'll write them all!
Maybe you'll like it, maybe not,
Just a few letters and dots.
Mind you, all picked with care,
But if you don't, I won't despair.
Always another to be written,
Another rhyme still yet hidden.
So ask me now, and I will write,
With my minimal mental might.
Ask for love or ask for truth,
Ask for God or joys of youth.
It doesn't matter if I'm up till two,
I'm writing this poem, just for you.

It's nights like tonight,
When I can't close my eyes,
That I walk outside,
And admire these skies.

I offer my prayer,
Aloft to the Lord.
Asking Him gently,
If He might afford.

The luxury of knowing,
The path I should take.
So I might be confident,
In not making a mistake.

Rarely do I wonder,
If my prayer is heard.
For it is my belief,
That disbelief is absurd.

Yet I can't help but doubt,
That the answer will be,
In a way I understand,
Or can even be seen.

So I look into oblivion,
This black infinity,
And I wonder and whisper:
What's the point of me?

Am I but a pawn,
In some giant game?
Is there a point to being,
Or was I born insane?

Does anything matter,
Anything at all?
Or is this just natural,
Men rise and men fall?

I feel there must be more,
Something waiting at the end.
Something calling out,
Begging me to transcend.

To see through the lies,
To find the deeper truth.
To answer the unanswerable,
And rise above my youth.

There must be something more,
Anything to give meaning.
I'll accept an honest lie,
If I could sleep this evening.

Is this normal,
To be so filled with doubt?
So conflicted and saddened,
Within and without?

These the questions,
I ask those billion lights,
On these lonely and cold,
Long sleepless nights.

Some nights I find,
My answer in the stars.
When it finally hits me:
That's all they are.

Nothing special at all,
Scientific anomalies.
Not made for wishing,
No source of fantasy.

Simply there and no more,
A billion all spread thin.
The infinite emptiness,
Crawls beneath my skin.

I have my answers,
Though not to my prayer.
But I am no wise man,
No ancient sooth-sayer.

I am but another man,
Mortal and moral.
Singular and without,
Only part of a plural.

I am without purpose,
No belief in the world.
I stand on the precipice,
My flag fallen unfurled.

My weakness is that I live,
For myself, just me.
It was the only way I had,
Of setting myself free.

Yet now, on these nights,
Under heavenly contemplation,
I regret my selfish ways,
And my human resignation.

If I am to be denied,
A higher understanding,
I then need a purpose,
To inspire commanding.

I need a focus,
A plural catalyst,
Anything to give meaning,
To why I exist.

Something to live for,
Some reason to hope.
Something to die for,
To narrow my scope.

And that is what happens,
Under these lonely skies.
On nights like tonight,
When I can't close my eyes.



This is how I feel. All the time.

2/16/2013

I told myself I would wait for you. I said that I could be strong. I never made my commitment known, and that is where I went wrong.

Perhaps if I had only told you. If only I had quickly thought. Then maybe we could have tried, so hard, and given this a shot.

But now I feel you truly gone. Without you my feelings numb. I lie awake, you on my mind, and beg for sleep to come.

You have altered my entire life. I want no other, its true. When I kiss another girl, I can only think of you.

Perhaps you feel the same as me. Do you think of me each day? What if we think of each other, when in our beds we lay.

Maybe we both struggle at night. Ashamed, we try to move on. Thinking the other is long, long gone.

You see me with other girls. I see you with other guys. I still love you, don't give up, don't believe my lies!

Still, there is little I can do. In our favor, fortune is not. I'm struggling to accept that I will never get what I have sought.

So I'll keep going out with girls that can't compare. I'll close my eyes and kiss them well, try to love them true. But in my heart I'll know, I will always love you.

One by one they fall asleep,
While I am stuck in thoughts so deep.
The messages begin to slow,
As my phone loses its glow.

My friends slip off to their dreams,
To rest in peace, or so it seems.
Some bid me cheery good night,
Others still, just turn off the light.

Some leave with a winking face,
Others put little hearts in place.
A few actually call to say,
They had a nice time today.

But the best of them do not.
Just fall asleep, me in thought.
In return, they are on my mind,
As I lay awake, left behind.

They will rise with the sun,
And find a message, or more than one.
A continuation of the night before,
Or thoughts that I could hold no more.

They respond with their dream,
By now this is all routine.
With more of the night before,
Or with the words I so adore.

In turn, hours later, I awake.
Message waiting, prepared to make,
My morning instantly brighter,
And my sodden spirit so much lighter.

The best good nights don't occur,
Those the wishes I prefer.
They fall asleep with phone in hand,
Drifting off to Never Land.