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"Tell me then, what do you see in your future?"

I didn't really know how to say what I thought and I didn't really think that any of them would understand. Could they even take me seriously? I guess I would find out.

"I see myself being free. Free from the normality that society feeds us. Free from the responsibilities that family expects us to take. I see myself wandering this world with nothing and nobody to tie me down. I see myself admiring all that there is to admire, seeing all there is to see, experiencing all that this giant world has to offer. I see myself creating a world that is better, starting with the smallest flaws. I see myself dying an old man, alone, somewhere in a far corner of the world, but smiling. That is what I see in my future."

They looked at me with blank expressions, or at least the few in the middle I was focusing on. I wondered if I should have bothered with the truth. This had better not hurt my chances of getting in.

"So you don't see yourself married? You don't want a nice house and kids? What about a job?"

Why did all of this even matter to them? They clearly didn't understand my first answer. Perhaps they were just shocked that I see myself potentially ending up alone. Or maybe they, like almost everyone else I'd ever admitted this all to, thought that I was just cold and anti-social. How exactly do I answer this one without sounding too abrasive?

"I see myself beginning with a normal job. Hopefully in the aerospace industry. But I have no intention of staying there forever. I would much prefer to be an entrepreneur and make my own way. As for marriage, I don't see myself ever being married. It's not that I don't want to be, in fact, I would love it if it ended up that way. The problem is that I don't think that I'll ever find someone like me. I don't want children or a nice suburban home. I don't want a mortgage or a deadbeat nine to five job. These things are like a toxin to me. They would hold me down, hold me back, and trap me. What woman could ever feel the same as I? Who could possibly prefer to live their life like me, having zero certainty or any form of normal life? No, I think that I will end up very much on my own. The thought does not bring me any certain joy, but I am not afraid to walk this earth alone."

That last part sounded extremely corny and rehearsed after I thought about it. I wouldn't really blame them if I wasn't taken seriously. Still, they looked at me with feigned interest or understanding, while I politely looked back. The leader, the one in the middle, had a slight frown on his face. Maybe I didn't even want to be a part of this 'exclusive' group if they were to be so close minded. I had just made a strong case for being alone anyway. I scanned the long row of faces for some sign.

That's when I saw, at the very end, a girl just slightly nodding. She looked at me with astoundingly green eyes. I could see it in them. Understanding. And just as suddenly, I realized that maybe, just maybe, I wasn't destined to be alone. Maybe,  just maybe, there were others out there who might understand.
A rough draft excerpt from my short story, Fictional Truth.

Edit: years later, the theme of this holds true but the writing makes me want to puke.
I've broken my rules, and unto what end?
The past I regret, I've failed to ammend.
Unto darkness, that the unknown.
Unto the path, still yet alone.

Forever onward, to never cease,
This the curse that married me.
The manic state, the flooded mind,
Always near, not far behind.

Into the darkness, thunderous woes,
My soul beneath the fire flows.
Blackened flames, obsidian sparks,
Creating scars, burning marks.

Faster, faster, forever on!
The rushing wind my only song.
Burning pains, poisons bled,
This persecution, bathed in red.

Hounded and chased, like a game,
The demons inside feed on the pain.
Running, running, will it end?
Begotten fury, I can't pretend.

The pounding, the pressure,
Both apart and together,
Maddening, insufferable agony,
Each new second, brand new tragedy.

Faster, faster, to ease the dying,
This the punishment, this the trying.
The last, the last, it begins to near,
The end, the end, so ever dear!

The agony, vile torment,
Torture never better spent.
The collapse, the collision,
The ****** rules and decision.

The ending finally, finally here,
Nothing before evoked such fear.
Through the darkness, the unknown,
Through it all, tormented alone.
Every twinkle of every star,
Another point upon the canvas.
A speck, a dot, oh my perception!
It cannot understand the vastness.

A light, so strong, raw energy,
Reaching me across it all.
Ten trillion miles and countless years,
All culminating in this call.

A thirst for greatness, every dot,
My aspirations feeling heavy.
The twinkles there are my call,
A reminder to set me free.

What lies the love bestowed upon,
By each single burning star?
What inspiration can I derive,
When I am here, so far?

I feel their strength, though remote,
Hidden through seeming innocence.
For here they seem nothing more,
Than each tiny, finite resistance.

But alas their size, nay, my perception,
Grants not mirth but awe.
For I know them as they truly are,
Power, glory, impunity; nature in the raw.

They inspire and define me,
For they reveal our insignificance.
But then again, that one perspective,
Grants my will and steely confidence.

And so I gaze, daring but to dream.
I know them all as they are.
Where I one day will be:
Floating, flying, free and far.
It's not that you should care,
I just wanted you to know.
Now with the story told,
It is time to go.

Changing words change again,
Here I change for someone else.
Altercations to be avoided,
Placing words upon a shelf.

edit: original poems removed

*Second edit: I really regret ever removing these. The original poems have been lost for good.
Standing before iron rods,
I've reached the point of no return.
Struggling ever against the odds,
The chain on which I yearn.

Words now fail me every night,
When sorrow pours out in thought.
Hope abandons with the light,
Leaving prayers left to rot.

I've tried so many times to say,
What exactly is going on.
I put talent upon display,
But my heart dies with every dawn.

Ten thousand words and many more,
I've left laying, only half said.
The rest are strewn about the floor,
Lifeless, soulless, dead.

I tried to show what I couldn't write,
But neither did that suffice.
I chained myself, cuffed too tight,
Each strain another slice.

Without pause, again I failed,
Letting eyes command my thought.
Delicate plans brutally derailed,
All my work and heart for naught.

I struggle to climb from the ashes,
Like a pathetic, weakened phoenix.
But I again bear new lashes,
While the flaws go on unfixed.

My fate is sealed by my weakness,
Though I knew what to solve.
I'll never recover from the abyss,
I've fallen, even devolved.

Looking up to precipice,
I've reached the point of no return.
I couldn't swallow my pride and ego,
Now too late to learn.
"Hey loverboy," she says. I don't respond.*



A rough draft excerpt from my story, Fictional Truth.



“Hey loverboy,” she says. I don’t respond. I enjoy ignoring her for a moment after I come out of a day dream.

“Hey. Jake. Snap out of it boy. Time to come back to earth,” she says with her usual tone of pleased annoyance. This time I leave the world inside my head and return to reality. Slowly turning my head to the right, I can see those deep blue eyes gazing up. I never get tired of her eyes.

“Come on, you said you’d help me here.”

“Sorry,” I say with a half grin and my best attempt at contrition. I look down to the papers in her lap. Right, math. I was helping her with calculus. She was really very good at math. We were in the same class, but she was two years younger than me after skipping two grades in elementary school.

“This one you just take the derivative of your function and plug in these two values.” I can remember these things effortlessly now, which was a huge accomplishment for someone who doesn't particularly like math.

“See, this is why I keep you around,” she says, those rosy lips that I so adored pulled into a little smirk. She reaches up and kisses me. She always seems to find an excuse to kiss me. “You can go back to daydreaming now.” Indeed I do, retreating back to the dreamscape inside my head. This time I think back to when I met Clara.


I had just arrived on campus, a bright eyed college freshman. There I was, lost in a sea of beautiful women. Small private schools had never been kind to me in that regard. Everything on campus was a wonder. Nobody from my high school had come here and I was very much alone but I didn't mind, I had outgrown most of my high school friends long ago. It was long past time for me to expand my horizons.

I found myself standing in front of a massive glass building. I wasn't past checking my reflection in the glass windows. Had to make sure my hair still looked as good as it did when I arrived. Who knew when I might run in to? Opening the doors I caught a waft of the bookstore smell, unlike anything I expected. At home the bookstores were small, with dusty leather covers that begged to be handled and old people that smelled like coffee. This was completely different. The odor of panicked freshman and newly bound textbooks permeated the air. I decided right then I wouldn't be spending much time there.

There was a long line extending towards the back of the building. Not knowing better, I assumed it was the line I was supposed to be in and slowly made my way to the rear. This would take forever. I pulled out my phone and started on another game of Angry Birds. I had been killing evil pigs for almost five minutes when I began to feel like I was being watched. Sure enough I glanced up to see a large pair of deep blue eyes looking at me.

“You know, some psychologists say that technology is making us less social,” said the girl looking up at me. I couldn't respond. She had straight black hair pulled behind her in a long ponytail. She had a small, perfectly formed nose with what seemed like a sea of freckles on it. Even more freckles danced on her cheeks. She was several inches shorter than me, maybe 5’9” and had on tight jean shorts and a black tank top that exposed only the most tantalizing amount of cleavage.

“So I’m just starting to feel a little uncomfortable with you ******* me with your eyes like that,” she said with the smirk on her face that I would soon come to know.

“Sorry,” I said, a tiny grin tugging at the corner of my mouth, “You surprised me a bit.”

“I’m Clara. This is the point in conversation where you tell me your name.” I liked her already. She had confidence and wit that was both abrasive and attractive.

“I’m Jake, pleased to meet you.” ****, I was smooth, like a wagon over rocks. “Are you a freshman too?”

“Yep. Just got here. I don’t think this line is moving.” I really liked the way little dimples appeared at the corners of her mouth even when she frowned slightly.

“It really doesn't seem to be. At least I have pleasant company,” I said. Oh man I was so smooth! I was really proud of myself right there. Flirting was hard with pretty girls, they seemed to throw me off balance.

“Well, that was the least offensive flirting I've heard all day,” she replied. Good gosh this girl was straightforward. “It’s a good thing you’re cute or I might not have accepted that.” Cute. Okay, I could work with cute. “So you’re in psychology 1000?” she asked.

“Nope, I took that during high school.” I replied. Why would she ask that?

“Well, you’re standing in the psychology book pickup line.” She said with a slightly puzzled look on her face. I definitely was not in psychology.

“Oh, Psychology! I, uh, I thought you said, uh, philanthropy. Nope, I’m definitely in the right line." Okay, that was a lie and I was at least 100% sure philanthropy was not a class. But hey, I was under pressure. She looked at me like I was slightly on drugs but moved on without hesitation.

We talked about various meaningless things while the line crept closer to the back of the store. The stunningly blue shade of her eyes made it very difficult to focus on conversation. When we got to the pickup window, she paid for her book and stepped to the side, watching me. I decided to bow out of buying a several hundred dollar book just to avoid looking like an idiot. I comforted myself with the fact that she might think it was funny.

“Soooo. I’m not really in philanthropy. Or psychology. I just didn't want to stop talking to you just yet.” I said with a sheepish grin. Luckily for me, she laughed.

“Alright then Mr. Jake, what books do you really need? Maybe we can go stand in line again.” I listed off several books that I needed for classes.

“Calculus. I need that one as well. Come on silly.” She turned her back and started walking. I followed right on her heels, a goofy grin plastered all over my face.

That was my first interaction with Clara. We spent the next two hours gathering all of our books, and at the end I carried her rather large pile back to her dorm room. I was promptly rewarded with her phone number and some cookies that her mom had packed.


“Hey. What about this one?” Clara’s voice comes from beside me. I lean over to look at the paper again.

“This time just take the anti-derivative of cosine and solve for x.”

“Oh right. That's the last one.”

“What do you want to do now?” I ask.

“How about we go to your room and see if we can make your roommate uncomfortable enough to leave?” She says with a mischievous grin, bringing those deep blue eyes nearer to mine. She always seems to find an excuse to kiss me.
A rough draft excerpt from my short story, Fictional Truth.
My whispered words fall softly,
Upon downtrodden ears.
Even now I wipe away,
Your quarter crystal tears.

You come to me in the silence,
Your anguish knows no bounds.
I hold you and I love you,
Listen to your tearful sounds.

I run my fingers through your hair,
Tell you it will be alright.
Clutching you tight against me,
As you shiver through the night.

When morning comes I wake you,
Beautiful as you sleep.
I try to imagine the terrors haunting,
While you sink in dreams so deep.

I take your hand and raise you up,
And show you to the sunlight.
I hold you tightly, yet again,
You made it through another night.

I pack you up, gather your things,
The ones left laying by the door.
I whisper gently, yet again,
And pick you back up off the floor.

I can't help but help you,
Your tears scald my heart.
I can't help but hold you,
When you beg me play the part.

---------

So many nights I held your hand,
Trembling but unbroken.
I learned to love you a little more,
With every heartache spoken.

Every time you found affection,
It brought you so much pain.
I died just slightly, every time,
I watched you circle the drain.

Sometimes I spoke harshly,
And let my rage fly loose in ink.
But never did I hate you,
When you pushed me to the brink.

I'm sorry for those days of anger,
I just couldn't take it all.
Just as soon I held you close,
When you would stumble and fall.

It's been five long, painful years,
That I lived and breathed for you.
I'll still hold you, dear Madeline,
Though our time is all but through.

The pain I feel at our parting,
It tears away a part of me.
Now I must trust in you,
As I am forced to set you free.

I hope you can remember the nights,
And live them through with memory.
Remember sunlight and your daisies,
Please, live amongst life's beauty.

--------

My whispered words fell softly,
Upon your delicate ears.
I hope that I served my purpose,
Easing your midnight fears.

I ran my fingers through your hair,
I told you it would be just fine.
Clutching you tight against me,
Your tiny body trembling against mine.

You grew so much in that time,
I hope you now see the beauty of life.
Remember that I will always love you,
Forever my friend, in darkest night.

Haunted by a terror past,
Hope blooms for futures bright.
I whispered words in the silence,
Just so you lived another night.
This needed to be shared.
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