old car, warm sweatshirt
"this is unreal," i said
garlic still lingers
in the air, soon mixed with
    smoke
first time i've had fun like this
*n.d

may 23rd
you gave me a necklace
with a heart locket
and it had my name

and on may 24th
the clasp broke
and i lost the locket
and the picture of us i put inside

may 25th
i went looking
for the heart
that said my name

may 26th
i found the chain
and the broken clasp
that made the locket lost

may 27th
i said i was sorry
and you said
"it's fine"

may 28th
i didn't believe you
when you said
"it's fine"

and today, on may 29th
i found the heart that said my name
it was in your chest all along

*n.d.

i cannot fathom
the (i'd)ea
of you (go)ing away
and leav(in)g
me here,
i(s)olated ,
unable to st(an)d
by mys(e)lf.
*n.d.

to some
spring cleaning
may be about donating the shirt
you haven't worn since 7th grade
or dusting every single picture frame
or scrubbing the tile
or sweeping and vacuuming
that's not my spring cleaning
my spring cleaning
is about changing the way i've been
ever since the 7th grade
and changing every single thing about me
or creating the persona i want to be
or removing and restarting
that's my spring cleaning

*n.d.

not blue, not green
o, nothing loud
not pink, not red
gray
mo·not·o·nous
simple, relaxing
the color of rain clouds
and sleeping in
on a tuesday morning
and the cool breeze
of a lake in january
and the smell of pavement
after it rains
*n.d.

you're weaving a web
spider silk
that's tangling me up
a victim
made of lies and deceit
and i cannot get out
i'm stuck in it
a victim
and no other dumb ladybugs
want to get caught up
so i stay here alone
a victim
*n.d.

it's just for a few days
i just want to try it out
i just want to know
if it's like they rave about
knowing that you're skinny
getting those jealous looks
it feels even better
than described in these books
oh what's the harm
so i skip a few meals
"nothing will ever taste as good
as being skinny feels"

*n.d.

wrapped up
in a shirt
(it's not mine)
still smells like the owner
(you)
cigarette smoke
cinnamon sticks
pine trees
wrapped up in the shirt
the things you left behind
a note
(explaining why)
a stick of gum
(your favorite kind)
me.

*n.d.

i fancy
the thought of diving
into a slumber
like diving into a pool
with soft pillows
and fresh sheets rippling.
and much like swimming
and wading
sometimes i wish i could stay here
forever
but we know that'd drown me
and that'd feel
just like how it feels
when i wake up
and my reality can't even compare
to sleep.

*n.d.

ignore my staring
i'm simply mesmerized by
your cheekbones, your lips
your captivating brown eyes
     i think you are beautiful.
*n.d.

my hand lifts instinctively
almost with a mind of its own
to rub my clavicle and
to brush my collarbone

my knees push together
making sure, checking again
that in fact my thighs don't touch
making me look down and smile, then.

my breaths become deeper and longer
my fingers strumming my ribs like guitar strings
being able to play them like keys
is one of my favorite things

my stomach is concave
the hunger feels good
things a looking better
like I thought they would.


my weight is double digits
and im light and fragile
i want to get lower
I won't stop for a while


*n.d.

my hand lifts instinctively
almost with a mind of its own
to rub my clavicle and
to brush my collarbone

my knees push together
making sure, checking again
that in fact my thighs don't touch
making me look down and smile, then.

my breaths become deeper and longer
my fingers strumming my ribs like guitar strings
being able to play them like keys
is one of my favorite things

my stomach is concave
the hunger feels good
things a looking better
like I thought they would.

new clothes
and new shoes
wont change
who i am
just like hair dye
and make up
can't change
my personality
and a new school
and a new house
can't change
my history

*n.d.

its painful, how obviously
you know that you control me
you don't have to bother
throwing rocks at my window
if im already in the doorway
so you are playing puppet
by tugging on my heart strings
to make me dance
*n.d.

4 more days
    of admiring clouds
3 more days
    and we didn't sit together
2 more days
    i didn't pay the clouds any attention
1 more day
    good bye.
*n.d.

she waited forever
for someone to come along
and rewrite her biography
but no one ever did
and she was just a minor character
in her own tragedy
*n.d.

people say they're lonely
but they've never really felt alone.
they've never felt
walking into a crowded room
and been a common enemy.
they've never felt
the gazes of familiar faces
all wanting you to leave.
they've never felt
just wanting someone
to sit and listen
they've never felt
the acceptance
that no one cares.

they've felt lonely, but not alone.

*n.d.

there once was a man
and he was different
and all he wanted was to be normal
and he spent his whole life
pretending to be simple
and wishing to fit in
and not knowing that others
spent their whole lives
only wanting to no longer be normal
pretending to be different
and wishing to stand out.
*n.d.

heartache after heartache
i wind up with you and
headache after headache i
will always forgive
and after every heartbreak
the pain never stops
*n.d.

dip my pen tip into my subconscious
use my imagination like ink
continue writing chicken scratch
   on my paper.
these stupid, meaningless little words
simply an insufficient medium for
   my thoughts

*n.d.

you leaving me forever
then wondering why
i am sad is like
plucking the wings off of a
butterfly and then
not knowing why it won't fly
*n.d.

your name is so beautiful
it's written on my walls
and my wrist
and my thighs
and it's always on the tip of my tongue
written in my fogged up mirror
    after a shower
doodled on my notebook
under "favorite contacts" on my phone
title of my poems
(even the really dumb ones)
and etched into my brain,
engraved into my heart

*n.d.

and i've showered four times today
    already
and i wish i knew why
i cannot scrub off shame
and disgust
and all other filth
like i would if it were dirt.

*n.d.

you deserve to be
the last thought before i fall
asleep at night, and

you deserve to be
the last person i ever
hurt, and you deserve

to be the last page
in my notebook because you
inspired my words

*n.d.

i'm the type of girl
who will hold out hope
that even after my flowers die
and become withered
and black
they'll become beautiful
and revive once again
and i'm looking for a boy
who will remind me
to water the flowers everyday
*n.d.

you make me break
but i don't get mad
   you always come back to heal me
but what if one day
you break me
and you don't come back
and i stay broken
forever?

*n.d.

why can't i delete poems ugh **** this

you're perfect
and you'd be perfect
even if your hair was short
    or long
and your eyes were brown
   or blue
and your lips were big
   or small
and you're feeling down
   and need someone
i just want you to know
   you're perfect.
*n.d.

"i think i love her"
he thought
"but she could never love me"
but she did
and she thought
"i wish he loved me"
"the way i love him"
but he did
but all they ever did
was have thoughts
*n.d.

my book
may be filled
but that does not mean
that my mind
is
empty

*n.d.