to some
spring cleaning
may be about donating the shirt
you haven't worn since 7th grade
or dusting every single picture frame
or scrubbing the tile
or sweeping and vacuuming
that's not my spring cleaning
my spring cleaning
is about changing the way i've been
ever since the 7th grade
and changing every single thing about me
or creating the persona i want to be
or removing and restarting
that's my spring cleaning

*n.d.

my hand lifts instinctively
almost with a mind of its own
to rub my clavicle and
to brush my collarbone

my knees push together
making sure, checking again
that in fact my thighs don't touch
making me look down and smile, then.

my breaths become deeper and longer
my fingers strumming my ribs like guitar strings
being able to play them like keys
is one of my favorite things

my stomach is concave
the hunger feels good
things a looking better
like I thought they would.


my weight is double digits
and im light and fragile
i want to get lower
I won't stop for a while


*n.d.

my hand lifts instinctively
almost with a mind of its own
to rub my clavicle and
to brush my collarbone

my knees push together
making sure, checking again
that in fact my thighs don't touch
making me look down and smile, then.

my breaths become deeper and longer
my fingers strumming my ribs like guitar strings
being able to play them like keys
is one of my favorite things

my stomach is concave
the hunger feels good
things a looking better
like I thought they would.

people say they're lonely
but they've never really felt alone.
they've never felt
walking into a crowded room
and been a common enemy.
they've never felt
the gazes of familiar faces
all wanting you to leave.
they've never felt
just wanting someone
to sit and listen
they've never felt
the acceptance
that no one cares.

they've felt lonely, but not alone.

*n.d.

its painful, how obviously
you know that you control me
you don't have to bother
throwing rocks at my window
if im already in the doorway
so you are playing puppet
by tugging on my heart strings
to make me dance
*n.d.

new clothes
and new shoes
wont change
who i am
just like hair dye
and make up
can't change
my personality
and a new school
and a new house
can't change
my history

*n.d.

i fancy
the thought of diving
into a slumber
like diving into a pool
with soft pillows
and fresh sheets rippling.
and much like swimming
and wading
sometimes i wish i could stay here
forever
but we know that'd drown me
and that'd feel
just like how it feels
when i wake up
and my reality can't even compare
to sleep.

*n.d.