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Natalie Martinez Dec 2013
I dreamt of you last night
It wasn't a good dream
Your eyes were the wrong
Color and you acted as though
You'd forgotten me and I
Woke up
Afraid
Because I haven't ached for you so desperately these past few days
Except to write poems about you on the chalkboard of an empty room
And I am worried that's why I want you,
To torment me so I can write
Natalie Martinez Dec 2013
You are the Poem
I've tried to write my whole life
the words on the tip of my tongue
that I'm too cowardly to say
You are the promise I was given
when I learned of love
And I burned the pages instead
of protecting them
So now I play games to convince myself that you.
Don't. Care. You. Do. Not. Care.
Else I'll regret the flames forever
And try to write it again
Natalie Martinez Dec 2013
Once I fed someone my heart
I plucked it from my aching chest and gave it to him
But he wasn't you so instead of
Cupping it in his hands and marveling at its fragility
He ate it like an apple and relished the sweet taste
then laughed and let me kiss the blood off his lips
I was glad to do it because I thought that's what it meant to love
but Darling that was before you
Before I was told my heart was a gift for ones like you
Who would treat it as such
Natalie Martinez Dec 2013
For you I have an ocean of love inside of me
emerald colored
with no shore and no bottom
and now you're gone it crashes through me making me even emptier
and it presses so tightly against
my heart and the backs of my eyes
with nowhere to go except for when I allow it to escape
allow myself to dwell on it
the way you'd kiss me on the back of neck
and behind my ear
and my hands
You made me feel so safe and sane and lovely
Now I drown in the sea of what you left me
But I don't have the desire to save myself
Natalie Martinez Dec 2013
Icicles that hang from your heart
From when my kisses melted the snow
Inside your head
Which then dripped
down
and then
refroze
when I
fled
In fear
From your Spring
Because I too
am a creature of Ice
and you were starting
to thaw me
Natalie Martinez Nov 2013
[Lost Animals]
Cats probably aren’t even lost
Dogs are trying to find the way back to you
And then there’s butterflies and wild geese that can fly
thousands of miles and back every year and just know
The way home  

[Photographs of Abandoned Places]
Empty rooms filled with flotsam and jetsam
once colorful but now faded and dusty
what draws us here?
The emptiness, the mystery of why we would leave
our dwellings and go elsewhere

[“Don't Lost" Sign]
Our faces were cold and it was windy
we smiled and laughed anyway
warm from the dim lights and food we’d left behind
Don’t lost what? Don’t get lost? Don’t lose yourself?
Cryptic commands posed by an unknown painter with bad grammar  

[Labyrinth]
Isn’t it strange that we make a game out of getting lost?
Ariadne Gave Theseus golden thread to solve the Labyrinth and defeat the Minotaur
Cathedrals have them too, so we can meditate and walk through them
But what minotaur lies at the center of our labyrinth?
More importantly, can we defeat it?  

[Cultural Appropriation]
A clinical term for the simple act
of erasure, of losing.
A people, a nation a culture, a shared memory
who are we without these things?
Such power in taking them away and reducing the people to shadows.  

[Photographs of Chernobyl]
An eerie empty city of ghosts
The pictures show that nature will take us all back one day
there are trees in living rooms and schools  
The photos of howling, pain, mutation are a warning that we shouldn’t seek to have
So much power.

[Losing People]
Stoics say that when someone has died you have ‘returned’ them
This sounds better than losing I suppose
because they aren’t lost
they are gone. And they’re never coming back
No matter where or how long we look we won’t find them  

[Guiding Stars]
The palest of light that seeps into our atmosphere
we are under the same stars as everyone else wherever we are on this lonely planet
that ought to give some comfort, when I look up at night that I see the same stars
as you. I want to brush them into the palm of my hand and offer their light
to you so you could maybe see your words are what is painted on the inside of my soul.  

[Feeling at a Loss]
My tongue is tied and I can’t even think of words because I can’t breathe
around this knot in my chest that forms when I think of you and how I lied and why I let
myself lose you and so for a long while my heart cried oceans and I begged it to stop
So I wouldn’t have to think about the words that I didn’t say and the light I lost,
the brightest that came from your heart.    

[At a Loss for Words]
When someone says something you’re not even sure you heard right, you’re stunned
because you can’t even think of a response while the blood rushes to your face and
pounds in your ears like waves on the beach will you sit silent, stoic
not wanting to give away heat you feel just under the skin.  

[Losing My Religion]
How can you lose your beliefs? Unless someone stole them
Or the disgust with hypocrisy built on good intentions breaks in you until you lose sight
of what you believe to be real and all you can do is renounce it.
What happens if you never knew what to believe in the first place?
A crisis of faith is averted? But at what price?

[Lost Clothes]
The left sock, left glove, that ugly winter jacket you had as a kid.
Where do they go? Why do they just disappear? You just never find them. What do you
Do with the extras? What happens to the lost ones? Is there a land for lost socks? Are
they lonely, trying to find their other half?  

[Missing Person Posters]
Can you lose a person? No, surely not. How can let someone fade from you so far away
that they go missing? Maybe they let themselves fade. Pulled away.
Of course, they could be stolen, or forget who they are, but that is almost less disturbing
than thinking of than people running away or being lost by people
who are supposed to care.

[Lost Cause]
Maybe not so much a cause going nowhere as one that people tired of
too much work with no end in sight. So they left and let the tenacious ones
the true believers take over, to finish the ***** work and clean up the mess
is that how this grace thing works? Holding your tongue while someone else chases
glory only to abandon it when it is too difficult and they leave you to see it through?

[Lost My Mind]
My mind is currently wandering through some forested path on a mountain almost
on the way to touching the sky or lying on the bottom of a the clearest blue ocean
looking up through the kelp leaves and shimmering fish. Or between words of a book.
So forgive me, I missed what you were saying. I’m sure it was important. I was just
trying to follow my mind to those places. And be somewhere else.        

[Lost Souls]
The kind of thing you say talking about a girl with empty sad eyes raccooned by liner.
Or a boy who is always angry or in an altered state of consciousness,
so he can face his everyday. It is reminiscent of ghosts, who wander, not sure where to
go, or who to trust so they hold their despair and fear tightly against their chests.    

[Lost Time]
A euphemism for fainting. Or maybe used by historians for a time with no records.
It sounds more mysterious, Where can time go, except forwards? How can there be a
lost part of time? it sounds as though time has a private life, that it won’t share.
Unless asked politely. Which is what we do when we investigate the past isn’t it,
Looking for the lives of others.  

[The Lost Generation]
“Don’t wanna be an American Idiot” said Scott, and Ernest, and Gertrude.
So they sent each other invitations to their chic Parisian salons on creamy white paper
and said ‘darling let’s make it a holiday!’ and had a divine time with the French
so they wrote novels of despair and disdain and the pain of being human.
and drowned the pain in champagne and beautiful women and men.  

[Lost in Translation]
Some words that cannot be translated in English especially
ones that are raw and tender and romantic
ones that are universal feelings with no name that everyone understands
but the meaning is changed to make it something no one understands in English
So something universal becomes something ungraspable to all.   

[Lost and Found]
The one who crawled out the cave
out of the dark into the pure light so they were blind
Gave so much to come back for the others out of love?
Or a sense of duty? Or maybe they were just returning, as we all do
as we all will do someday.
Natalie Martinez Nov 2013
So I was swimming in the ocean
the pacific
it was summer, nearly September but that ocean is always frigid
I wanted to swim
So  I went in with all my clothes on and the water so so cold
I tried to imitate the body surfers and dive under the waves
but I got caught in the tide and pulled under
One beat
my heart pumps out
the sand the salt
the cold
I try to swim
up to
breathe
I hit the bottom
Where am I?
For a second that stretched into an hour
I thought I was going to die
With my mouth full of saltwater
And my hair waving like the kelp fronds
I didn’t of course
I found the sky
Never have I been so glad to see the clouds
And the sun
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