And I want so badly
to do more, more, more
jaw clenching madly--
"don't stare at the floor!"

"Find more sensation,
feel it deep, deep, deep"
"use imagination"--
the corrections I must keep

"Try to look happy!"
my eyes are dull, dull, dull
"Remember, ballet's sappy."--
"dancer, think of the skull!"

All of this in my core,
I do gladly, gladly, gladly
And I want so badly
to do more, more, more.

What a cruel existence
to be one original artist
among millions

at what point is it redundant
to be unique,

and when will it be novel
to be ordinary?

when creativity became common
brilliance, typical

artistry achieved
at infancy,
and the minimum standard to be
a prodigy.

the least you can expect
is a breathtaking performance

and the most you can hope for
is a biography.

drip
drip-drop
drip
drip-drop
ka-thunk ka-thunk
drip-drop
CRACK!
ka-thunk ka-thunk
scrreeeech

like a badly tuned
but well-rehearsed
orchestra of
metal wheels on metal tracks
sticky doors admitting tired backs
intercom voice mumbles and cracks
rats paws patter and nibble snacks

and age old water drips, drips, drops
into age old puddles full of
age old trash in an
age old system of
public transportation

And the choir begins to sing:
"stand clear of the closing doors"
"yeah you'd better look away---
"clear the doors"
--you curly haired jew"
"59th street, stand clear of the--
"you *******"
--closing doors, please. 63rd street next"
"you think I feel sorry for you?"
"stand clear of the closing doors--
"I don't feel sorry for nobody"
--please"
"******* curly haired jew"
"stand clear of the doors"
"yeah you'd better look away"
"72nd street, stand clear"
"yeah, you'd better look away"
"stand clear of the closing doors please"

"81st street next. stand clear."

A big curtain
As if on fire
Separates us from them
Real from fantasy
Gods from mortal me

It drapes
And tumbles
Like an elegant ball gown
Though what they wear
Is mostly bare

And I long
To kindly shout
Redirections because I see
How much better
The choreography would be
If entrusted to me

Arrogant
Is what I am
And fearful when the time does come
To take charge of my own art
But separate, I can play the part
Much better than I do
When it's MY show that's about to start

Is it not enough
that my mind is haunted
with dark monsters?

creatures of doubt
that creep around
corners with pins,
and whisper "failure"
lovingly to every bright
balloon of hope.

spiders of anxiety
crawl over
flowers of bravery
and spin a web
that makes
courage cower.
bravery buckle.
power petrified.

Is it not enough
that I battle
my own brain?
would I rather have
the life to match?
to 'justify'
my art,
my work,
my ****** expressions?

I wasn't aware
that I have to earn
depression---
that I first must
live a life worthy
of sadness

And now I question
if I'm just
broken
spoiled
or should quest for
the existence to
more properly fit
the mind
I was born with.

They say that my only way
to be home for Christmas
is in my dreams.
If that's true, my
reality must be in
a far away land.

Who knew Boston was
so mysterious...

How long then, must I walk
to either reach the
land of sleep or
wake up to a reality
that includes a home?

Lonely in a crowd without the
         **One person the mind jumps to
         Violently, it isn't pleasant but
     thEn again lonliness never was

         Sun beams through a window
         Under a cloudy sky
         Barely warming but pleasing to
        iMagine how it might feel to
         Ignite from a cool flame, not
         To burn but to be on fire again

         Anger happens because we
         Can't not be human unfortunately
         Control happens too though.
         Every once in a while
         Prayer happens but we never
admiT it.