i cannot fathom
the (i'd)ea
of you (go)ing away
and leav(in)g
me here,
i(s)olated ,
unable to st(an)d
by mys(e)lf.i cannot fathom
the (i'd)ea
of you (go)ing away
and leav(in)g
me here,
i(s)olated ,
unable to st(an)d
by mys(e)lf.

n.d.

you're perfect
and you'd be perfect
even if your hair was short
    or long
and your eyes were brown
   or blue
and your lips were big
   or small
and you're feeling down
   and need someone
i just want you to know
   you're perfect.

n.d.

you deserve to be
the last thought before i fall
asleep at night, and

you deserve to be
the last person i ever
hurt, and you deserve

to be the last page
in my notebook because you
inspired my words

n.d.

may 23rd
you gave me a necklace
with a heart locket
and it had my name

and on may 24th
the clasp broke
and i lost the locket
with my name on the outside

may 25th
i went looking
for the heart
that said my name

may 26th
i found the chain
and the broken clasp
that made my name lost

may 27th
i said i was sorry
and you said
"it's fine"

may 28th
i didn't believe you
when you said
"it's fine"

and today, on may 29th
i found the heart
that said my name
it was in your chest all along

n.d.

and i've showered four times today
    already
and i wish i knew why
i cannot scrub off shame
and disgust
and all other filth
like i would if it were dirt.

n.d.

your name is so beautiful
it's written on my walls
and my wrist
and my thighs
and it's always on the tip of my tongue
written in my fogged up mirror
    after a shower
doodled on my notebook
under "favorite contacts" on my phone
title of my poems
(even the really dumb ones)
and etched into my brain,
engraved into my heart

n.d.

i fancy
the thought of diving
into a slumber
like diving into a pool
with soft pillows
and fresh sheets rippling.
and much like swimming
and wading
sometimes i wish i could stay here
forever
but we know that'd drown me
and that'd feel
just like how it feels
when i wake up
and my reality can't even compare
to sleep.

n.d.

its painful, how obviously
you know that you control me
you don't have to bother
throwing rocks at my window
if im already in the doorway
so you are playing puppet
by tugging on my heart strings
to make me dance

n.d.

people say they're lonely
but they've never really felt alone.
they've never felt
walking into a crowded room
and been a common enemy.
they've never felt
the gazes of familiar faces
all wanting you to leave.
they've never felt
just wanting someone
to sit and listen
they've never felt
the acceptance
that no one cares.

they've felt lonely, but not alone.

n.d.

to some
spring cleaning
may be about donating the shirt
you haven't worn since 7th grade
or dusting every single picture frame
or scrubbing the tile
or sweeping and vacuuming
that's not my spring cleaning
my spring cleaning
is about changing the way i've been
ever since the 7th grade
and changing every single thing about me
or creating the persona i want to be
or removing and restarting
that's my spring cleaning

n.d.

I have no problem with the Easter bunny leaving me overly sweetened chocolate
or with leaving school for a (shorter than usual) week for spring break
the weather is so lovely, even the flowers dance out from under snow after winning their game of seasonal hide and seek
but i hate the spring and everything that comes with it

n.d.

i wish i was twenty one.
not to party
not to drink
or gamble
or even graduate college.

i read in biology once
that your skin cells
are completely new
every seven years.
i wish i was twenty one
so i could have a body
that was never touched by you.

n.d.

i still think about you,
not every night
and not every other night
but i think about you
and if you think about me
and
i miss you
even though you don't miss me
and i love you
even though you don't love me
(you hate me)
and i need you
and your sense of comfort
and
even if you were to slit my throat
i would still thank you
for touching my skin.

n.d.