Yesterday I looked at you
(looking at me)
and wanted to say
"You mean so much to me."

So much
You mean
So much

But what does
(so much)
mean

You mean
so much
more
than
so much

To me,

you mean the world

you mean light, brilliance, fire

you mean forever, eternity, a beautiful life

you mean electric tingles, bursts of blinding light

you mean passion, happiness, peace

you mean love that changes my life for the better

you mean
so much
more
than
so much

seeing you makes
my heart flutter
my head spin
my knees go weak
and beads of sweat to form

now, seeing you causes
those same reactions,
but it feels more like the flu
than love

Happiness
does not come to those who
wait for it
to come their way.

Happiness
comes to those who
work for
and actively
seek it out.

You
choose the direction
your life
takes.

you promised you would be there, after
that our friendship was too important to lose

i don't think you meant to lie,
but you did

my mistake was believing you

your kiss was the
best
and
worst
thing to ever happen to me

I look forward
to closing
my eyes

Because I get
to open them
and see

You

You have to stop
Drinking
Eating
Being tired

Don't be so emotional

Lose weight
Smile more
Work harder
Stop being like this

(Can't you just)
be better

"Say what you mean!"
But when I say it,
you respond with,
"But you shouldn't feel
that way."

Feel
But Don't

Say it
But Don't

if you could
S.T.O.P.
feeling the WRONG way
in the first place

"We wouldn't be having this
conversation."

I stumble inside and sit upon the couch.

Waiting

Eternity passes,
or maybe it's only been a second,
and then

SHE

walks in,
emitting a light of such brilliance
such intensity
that my whole world is set on fire.

I burn from the inside out.
My biggest fear was always burning to death,
yet I find myself in Heaven,
consumed by flames.

Slowly she collapses next to me
Skin to skin
we sit,
I tingle,
filled with electric heat

and then...

Movement

Fingers digging into my side
she grabs me.

The most exquisite pain I can imagine

"This isn't right, you're a GIRL"

The words float in the air,
suspended,
and then explode into beams of light
as her lips
finally
meet mine.

Happiness?

*******, it exists.

I woke up this morning and it happened
the same thing at first

I looked for you and I found you
(posting pictures to Facebook with your new friends)
(posing for Snapchats of your shots and your beer pong skills, because it's important that people know you're fun!)

I looked for you and I found you
(******* up to others, proving your worth)
(doing what you want in the moment and forgetting about everything else, because you can explain it all away tomorrow)

I looked for you and I found you
and I used to feel
(jealousy, because I have never understood why everyone else matters more than me)
(anger, because I am so tired of the wanting, the waiting, the wishing, the what ifs, and the why am I not good enoughs)

I woke up this morning and it happened
I looked for you and I found you
and finally
I didn't feel

I see things
Happen
every day

And these days
all that runs through my
Mind

is

Why?

Drunken

Decisions

Destroy

Days

i feel confident
state my opinion
stand my ground

then, defeated,
i wonder
did i imagine it all?
i feel crazy

life is most comfortable
assuming
and
embracing

the fact that i am most often
wrong