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 May 2013 Nat
Skye Applebome
It'll be okay
It'll be okay
It'll be okay*
That's what I tell myself.
Oh, what a liar I am....
 May 2013 Nat
Skye Applebome
I am many things.
VERY many things.
But I am NOT happy.
 May 2013 Nat
Skye Applebome
Cutting
 May 2013 Nat
Skye Applebome
The tears slide down my face
As the knife, scissors, or even a pen sharp enough
comes down
And leaves its mark on me
And I enjoy it.
Through the pain and tears
I contort my face into a twisted smile.
And for a moment, I feel good
But then the blood starts pouring over
Onto the floor.
*Time to clean it up....
This is about a time when I cut a while ago. Don't worry, I don't cut anymore....although I want to
 May 2013 Nat
Skye Applebome
Knife?
Check.
Suicide notes?
Check.
Determination?
Check, check, check.

I slide the knife into my chest, smiling.
Blood spills out onto my shirt
But I feel fine!
I wait, but I appear to have missed.

Slowly, I pull the now blood-coated knife out.
Oh well, second time's the charm.

I hear my name called before I can try again

And that's how I'm alive right now.
I was so close....*sigh
 May 2013 Nat
Skye Applebome
RAGE
 May 2013 Nat
Skye Applebome
What is WRONG with people?!
Almost everyone I talk to
Has been in a horrible place
Or currently is
And we all mask it
Because one or two people hurt us
When so many more people need each other
So we suffer in silence
And I'm no stranger to this.

People are just so cruel.
So horrible.
So EVIL.

And even the kind people
make mistakes that hurt
And I've done that too.

But others deliberately hurt.

They cause us to close up.
They cause us to want to die.
They cause us to cry ourselves to sleep.
They cause us to suffer.
And they teach us what will happen if we're open about it.

They need to be punished.
They WILL be punished.
Even if I have to carry it out myself
I swear to everything I hold dearly,

THEY. WILL. NOT. GET. AWAY. WITH. IT. ANYMORE.
The next time I see someone being bullied I am literally going to attack them (and hopefully cause brain damage), I don't care where it is or how long I'm suspended or even expelled. Think about it; there are thousands to millions of stories just like Amanda Todd's, or even worse, and we don't know about it. These stories are mostly caused by bullies.

You people who sit around doing nothing are almost as bad.
 May 2013 Nat
E B
heads and tails
 May 2013 Nat
E B
In this life, we are all placed
into a category from birth:
Alphas or Epsilons, firsts and lasts.

And the Alphas go on to live beautiful lives
with wonderful significant others and
successful children and
fulfilled dreams and
intelligent thoughts and
perfect luck.

And the Epsilons go on to live sub par lives
with average significant others and
delinquent children and
nonexistent dreams and
subservient thoughts and
no knowledge or experience of luck.

But Epsilons are so endearingly stupid
that you cannot help but feel sorry for them
and so we pretend to love them, we tell them
that they are special, that they are beautiful.

But there is nothing more dangerous than allowing
an Epsilon to have a sense of self-worth, of self-respect
because once they believe that they are more than the picture
you have painted of them, they will refuse you and your
inadequate "love".

Everyone falls for the Alphas, darling.
It's the natural order of things

And we, the Epsilons, we go on living
our insignificant,
sub par,
hopeless
little Epsilon lives.
 May 2013 Nat
Redshift
i think too much
about throwing up
about emptying
that which people tell me
is wrong.

to society
i am
disgusting
i am
too fat
i am
repulsive
"no one wants to look at THAT"
they say.
because beautiful
is malnourished bones
thighs that don't touch
stick-thin arms
bony
ribcages...

it has been POUNDED INTO ME
that beautiful is NOT
what i am
that beautiful
is achieved by the shape of your body...
and maybe i'm not a perfect size
maybe my stomach isn't flat
maybe my thighs
are chubby
maybe
i'm not a lot of things
but i believe
that i AM
beautiful...
and no amount
of ugly hearted people
who tell me that i am not
will get to me.

i was made like this
and i would not change it
for the world.
**** it,
*******
generation.
not everyone is going to look like a pornstar. in fact, hardly anyone. stop holding us to that standard, because it is ridiculously unrealistic.
 May 2013 Nat
Redshift
repentance.
 May 2013 Nat
Redshift
i woke up to a text from my mom this morning,
saying that she wanted to see me for my birthday...
that all she wanted
was a chance.
it has been almost six months
since i have seen her
let alone
talked to her
and i have spent all that time
hating her
for everything...
but hating her
tires me out.
i cannot hate anyone
for long
even after all she's done
to deserve it.

today...
is different.
i didn't smirk
at her text
brush it off
never reply
delete it
i actually responded.
told her
that'd be great
hell, i even
apologized
for missing her birthday
last month...

i can see her face
as she reads that text
i'm sure
she's crying
i know what the things i do and say
do to her
i lived with her
for eighteen years...
sixteen of which
were happy

i guess...
after all the unhappiness she has made
for herself
and for everyone around her
i can't deny her
one small shred of a smile
yes,
everything
all of it
was her fault
entirely
but every bit of hatred
afterwards
was MY fault.

mom...
i am
sorry.
hatred does nothing but **** you. i am alive because someone loved me. i wish i could erase these last two years like i erase any mistake i make on a piece of paper...but i can't. i guess that's the part where you learn to live with them...and smile when you can.
 May 2013 Nat
Redshift
you spent an hour
showing me your coin collection
and i
obediently examined each one
carefully...
smiled
exclaimed
wondered.

you said you'd drive me home
but you
missed my street
the street that your bestfriend
you've had since a kid
also lives on
(what are the chances???)
you
laughed it off
drove me around
in the sweet
warm night
windows down
wind spiced with summer
blowing in our faces
music up
till we could feel it in our chests
for an hour...

then you talked to me
in my driveway
for another
thirty minutes
engine turned off
the peepers and crickets
singing through our open windows...

i think i
like
you
 May 2013 Nat
Redshift
i do not pursue happiness
i have always
commanded it
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