the water is streaming down my face
making me numb to the feeling of my tears
it runs through my hair and down the small of my back
replacing the path his hands would travel
reminding me that his touch was even softer than water

I played a station we never used to listen to
the music in the background is muffled and distant
but suddenly a memory plays through the speakers
and the lyrics become clear as day and ten times louder
all at once I feel the stream of tears again

I plug the drain and lay on the porcelain
hot water rains down on me until the bath is full
the rain stops and everything is still
for the first time in a long time I inflate my lungs completely
and I *float

living my life in fear
scared of eternal damnation
an eternity in hell for ***
I can’t imagine that

bound to a belief that was forced upon me
refusing my body and my soul the things they crave
living my whole life without actually ever feeling alive
I can’t imagine that

realizing in my last breath that there is nothing beyond the white light
my life dedicated to worship and commitment was for nothing
I took a trust fall into hands that were not there to catch me
I can’t imagine that

perhaps there is a greater energy
not a face, not a faith
a force
I could imagine that

Imagine by John Lennon
Anthem
Song for the soul

sometimes I hope you lose sleep at night
thinking of what could have been
thinking of how you ruined the best thing to ever happen to you
thinking of all the memories and good times that we had
but mostly, I hope you’re remembering the little things
the things that someone only notices when they’re deeply in love
the things that you’ll look for in every other girl you meet
the things that make you weep because they were unique to me
the things that you'll never find in anyone else
like the way I twirl my hair back
or how bite my cheek before I cry
the way I laugh when I’m nervous
and the little red mark on my right hand that you always kissed
once in a while I wonder if you lose sleep over what I’m doing
if you’re hoping I’m just as lost as you are
hoping I haven’t moved on
or that I still pine over you the way you pine over me
well I don’t
you broke me
you changed me
you made me forget who I was in order to be better for you
you played the victim
you called it off
you deserve to be kept awake at night
for the ways that you have wronged me

on your own terms
in your own way
you left me
and you walked away
I'm broken for now
changed forever
I want to forget
and never remember
your moan in my ear
you hands on my hips
your body against mine
and your lips on my lips
the way you were with me
was special and true
or so I thought
I thought I knew you

the letter I never sent
the words you never said
the way I never felt
the chance you never took
how much of a difference would these things have made
maybe we'd be hiking that trail in Maine we always dreamt about
I bet we'd be taking that old van to the coast every weekend
and making love the way we did in that first year
but things don't always turn out  the way we intend them to
now were on opposite sides of the country
looking up at the same moon
and thinking about the same thing
we thought we were soul mates
maybe we really are
perhaps we just made the wrong choice somewhere along the way
but its too late now
I’m wrapped in someone else’s arms
and you’ve found love in another girl
the most I can hope for is to bump into you
probably in that old cafe across town that we loved
I dream that you hope for the same thing

For the boy who loves me…
I want you to ask another girl to dance even when theres no music
and to tell stories at midnight in a dim lit kitchen
I want you to feel butterflies at the sight of her and to get lost in her beauty
searching her eyes for the love you once found in mine.

For my first love…
I hope you always keep the letters I wrote to you
the time capsules of my love tucked away in your side drawer.
apart of me wants you to never change but even if you do,
the nice boy with strong arms and a loving smile lives forever in my memories

For Sean…
young at heart, you’re my peter pan
never stop being passionate about the things you love.
make the most of everyday
you’re the kindest person I’ve ever met, spread your light