I’m sitting in my mother’s
Friend’s
Driveway,
Trying not to look like a creep.
While my Honda civic
Is hardly reminiscent of
*******,
My nervous eyes
And shaking hands could be.

Finally, they arrive,
And I realize
I’m wearing no make-up, my hair is wet,
And there’s paint on my arms,
And I have a girlfriend.

Mother
emerges, smiles wide.
I meet her for a hug, notice
Her eyes straying to my left ear.
“Do you like it?”
Long pause.
“I’m indifferent,” she replies.

And I think, if she only knew
About the black, black ink
On my right hip,
She wouldn’t be indifferent.

We make awkward conversation,
About apartment details,
Cable,
Cable bills,
Moving,
Gas and electric,
Avoiding anything evoking emotion.

As she walks away she turns,
Asks,
“Do you have money?”
I don’t say anything, taken aback.
“I wish I could have bought you dinner or something…”
“Mom. It’s fine.”
“No, no, no, here’s some money,
Tell Amanda hi.”

“Alright, I love you, mom.”
I say has her heels scrape away.
“Love you too."
She calls over her shoulder.

And she’s gone.

And I’m free to do as I please,
With ink, piercings and girlfriends.

But I wish she knew,
I wish she could love
The free me too.

I need help.
I pull back my hair. Tame my locks.
I put on my mask for the lovers.
For the Customers
For everyone.
Anyone.
I’m struggling behind these eyes, Below these lashes.
I’m drowning in my own mouth.Sinking in my own skin.
Desperately clutching at anything that looks as if it might float:
                     Illegal substances
                     Old Lovers
                     Best Friends
                     Books
                     New Lovers
                    
And we’re all sinking.
All drowning.
All floundering about this ******* life.
Blind.
Deaf.
Bland.
Caged.

Let’s all let go. Let’s all run.

Let’s all get California eyes and sit on beaches.
Let’s all hold hands and sprint.
Let’s go to a place that doesn’t sleep.

Let’s let go. Let’s Be free.

If I take a step, you’ll take two,
Right?
And two will turn to two thousand, two million.

And we’ll run. We’ll Laugh. We’ll Live. We’ll Die. We’ll Sing. We’ll fall silent.
We’ll Relish in the contrast
We’ll find comfort in the chaos.

Your smile
tastes of mint smoke.
It’s refreshing
against the taste of my tears
and the drink you gave me
to stop them.
Your eyes
trace their way down
my body
seeing
knowing
touching
every little sweet spot
long forgotten.
Your hands
melt into mine;
a connection revisited.
And for a moment
I see in your gaze
that (love lust longing) we shared.
I blink
and it is gone
in the moonlight
and blinking light
from your clock.
So I close my eyes
and let the smell of tobacco
in your hair
and the smile against my lips
bring me
to a dark connection
I know far too well.
We can be together.
Just one more time.
Just for tonight.