Dear World,
I apologize
if this seems like a cheap attempt
at romanticizing
something that is
already dead.

but i must at least
try and put down
my feelings of joy and love
before they are all too quickly drowned
in the sea of bitterness
pain and hate.

I must first write
about how gentle
his kisses were
how strong and tender
his touch was,
how much love i saw
when i looked in his eyes.

(before i turn and call him,
devils spawn,
son of a gun
worthless good for nothing.)

I should mention
his words of love
his meaningful
promises
and how i needed
to believe him

(before i say out loud
how deceitful he was,
lying pond-****.)

I'll try to tell you,
how it felt to be
loved by him
and to love him back
how strong we were
how we both let this go

(before i dump the weight of guilt at his door,
and sum it all with its his fault)

i will say now and here,
how much I love him
still
and how much i miss him
and wish him well
and want him back.

(then for sure i will walk out tall
and proclaim my disenchantment
and wish a plague of a thousand years on him,
and tell the world i do not love him
and never will)

so world again forgive me,
for this confusion
that i add
to your foray of days
but i must.

and I sold my brother
for the weight
of fame
***** my mother
in my quest for
power
I stole my fathers name
for the wealth
it bore
and yet still I am...

please...
  find me my faded dreams
  and neutered childhood
  and restore them to me.

search for my
  wide eyed innocence,
  my shrinking violet,
  and console them.

dig deep for my
  buried heart
  and its frantic fancies,
  and return it.

look hard for my
  clouds of tears,
  their storms of sorrows
  and blow them past.

part my waters
  of relentless pain,
  and denied chances


and give me love.
   please...