As I walk down the street
people look at me, so less
discreet. Why are people so
judgmental?
Everyone always tells me
to be myself because I am
me& no one else is.
But as time passes me by
I come to see people looking at
me strangely. Why are people
so rude? Maybe you don't
like what I'm wearing but it's
not affecting you in any way.
I might not like what you're
wearing but I am mature & I
will respect you & will not
judge you. You are you.
The way you dress is your
way of representing your self
& showing who you are.
BE yourself, but inside
society's standards. You
can't wear this. You can't wear
that thought. Why do you
always wear black? You look so ugly.
WELL I WEAR BLACK BECAUSE I LIKE BLACK.
& who do you think you are
that makes it okay for you
to tell me that I look ugly in what I'm
wearing.
If I wear what I want, I get judged.
If i don't wear what I want, I get judged  
because I'm not being me. Because I'm being fake.
If I have gauges, I get judged.
If I have tattoos, I get ******* judged.
& that's not all.
If I don't do some sophisticated job like
being an engineer, a doctor, a lawyer, I will
be judged because what I want to do with MY life
isn't good enough for you.
I seem to never done anything right,
but the truth is that... I'm not doing anything wrong..
~I go to school.
~I work.
~I get good grades.
~I get so stressed out but I keep going
everyday like if I'm okay.
~I plan on going to college.
~I am trying so hard to be happy.

But you don't like where I work.
But you think my a &b;'s aren't good enough grades.
But you think working and going to school full time
is not ******* stressful at all.
But you don't like what I'm going to college for.
But I can be happy.
It bothers me so much that there
is people out in the world that judge
you 24/7.
But I will be happy even if you're
always ******* rude,& judgmental
because even if society
doesn't like who I am...
You can't break me.

That feeling when you know you ****** up, try to fix it & can't.
  
That feeling when you realize you thought you could do it & can't.
  
That feeling when you notice you don't have as many friends as you once had & feel lonely as ever.
  
When you try to make someone happy when you hurt them in the past & they don't want you.
  
When you don't care what happens to you anymore.
  
When your best friend becomes a stranger....
  
When you need someone there for you & your "friends" don't have time for you.
  
When you honestly don't give a **** what happens next.
  
When you want to leave & never look back, because in the end you're lonely & there's nobody there for you anyways.
  
When you go through so many things in the short amount of years you have lived & can't bare the thought of the future.

I have drank a little too much.
I have smoked too much.
I am just going with the flow.
They say drugs and alcohol are bad for you,
but they help you forget your troubles
for a while and I consider that a gift.
      
       I don’t know all the people at
this party. It’s my best friend’s celebration.
Birthday’s are becoming more and
more important to me, because after
all the things we've been through, after
all the desire of wanting to let go of ourselves
and inviting death into our lives, we are still here.
      
        There is a certain boy at this party.
His eyes are like the rays of the sun, shining
through the darkness. His smile is making me
melt. He keeps glancing at me and looking away.
What is he thinking? Does he like me?
Does he think I look attractive?

      I am sitting outside with drugs in
my hand. Looking up at the sky, thinking about
everything that I have done with my life.
Carlos comes outside and sits next to me.
He asks me why we broke about 2 months ago.
I really don’t know what happened between us.
We start to argue about what a ******* up
girlfriend I can be. We come to the point where we
are yelling and suddenly he leans in and kisses me.
      
       What is Robert doing right now?
Maybe getting out of work. Going home?
While he is living life happily, I am kissing
some other boy. What if he knew what i was doing?
That would save me a lot of trouble trying to end
the relationship.
      
        Wow. I am a ****** up girlfriend.
Whatever, I am drunk and high. I have an
excuse for my inappropriate behavior. No, this is
wrong. I love Robert. I shouldn't be around any
guys when I’m under the influence. This has
happened before and I said I would not do it again.
      
        Well… Robert doesn't have to find out.
Nobody saw me and Carlos kiss. It was nothing.
I’ll just go back inside to the party and pretend
everything is fine, like nothing happened.
      
        I am walking back and forth through the party
looking for my friend Ashley,
like a lost puppy. Instead i find the
mysterious boy I like. He stares at me, smiling.
He takes a sip of his beer and starts
to approach me. He’s like the kind of
guys you see in the movies that you wish
you could date in real life.
      
        He’s so attractive. He talks so peaceful
and fluently like the ocean waves on a perfect day.
The way he is makes me want him. As he keeps talking,
all I do is stare at his lips wishing he
would kiss me. I want him to want me. I want
him to grab me by my waist, pull me close
to his body, and kiss me hard. As I finish telling myself that is not going to
happen, he grabs my head and kisses me.
“Sorry, I just had to,” he tells me.

~The rest of the night is a blur.
I don’t remember the whole night, only some parts.
You know when you watch a movie and
there is an intimate scene between two
characters, but you can only see some things?
Like them kissing intensely, or when
you know they are making love but can’t
actually see it? That’s how I remember the
rest of the night with that
mysterious guy.~

        For some reason I do not feel bad
for what I did with that guy. And I call
him “that guy” because we didn't ask for
each other’s name. Stupid, I know. I will
never get to see his shining eyes illuminate
my dark world again.Well at least I had a night
with him… right? I should regret it, but I don’t.
I’m sorry Robert.
But am I really though? I know I should be,
but I enjoyed it too much.

      That night was a night like they interpret in the movies.

      And I wish I had my sequel.

“I should get up,” she says.
“This bed is depressing me so more.”
“What’s the point though,” she thinks.
Feeling the need to cry,
but not being able to.

She thought growing up would be much
different. The feeling is far from the happy
endings in the fairy tales.
Becoming an adult and taking
on responsibilities is not how she thought
it would be. She didn’t think it would
be so complicated to have everything
under control. She is so overwhelmed with life.

She can’t feel sadness anymore.
She got used to this horrible feeling.
She’s immune to it now.
Things aren’t getting any better.
All she does is worry about tomorrow.

This time, a year ago she promised
herself she would be happy by now,
but things are so out of control.
She tries to hold on to hope,
but her thoughts betray her.

The quiet is all too deafening,
but that’s all there is now.
Quiet, loneliness, and sorrow.
“Why didn’t I see it from a mile away?
How did I not see it getting worse?” she asks herself.

There she sits in solitude trying to work
out her troubles, not knowing what to do.
It’s hard to get anywhere with an unstable mind.
It feels as if this is how it has to be.
Lonely, always in pain.

People stare at me while I’m smoking a cigarette.
They say I’m too young to be doing that.
But I am also too young to be feeling this much pain.
To suffer everyday.
I know smoking is bad,
but the reason I smoke is worse.

Damage done to her darkened heart,
the child inside can’t help but drown in all
the tears the pain has brought with it.
The child inside is gone.
The only thing there is now is the
adult woman not knowing how her
life is going to turn out.

The day full of sunshine, the birds are
chirping cheerfully, but our feelings
are as colorless as the sky on a rainy day.
Walking down the street, emotionless
like the teenagers in old, sad movies.

“Life cut me along time ago,” she says
as she cries eternally.
“With a blade made out of darkness,
but the wound hasn't healed.
It has been made to bleed forever.”