I can't write a poem
because every time I do
I remember that it's going to end up being about you
it's always about you.

And everything i've ever known is slipping through my ******* fingers
I clutch onto the tail end of every word i've ever said
every sentence is something that is tumbling from my mouth
nothing connecting and dots
but intrinsically linking them, into a web of non sense.

A thought of you plants a seed in my throat
the pesky thing sprouts and grows
becoming something tangible
when I open my mouth
sprouts fall out, shouting your name

and heres me, a single collection of particles in the ocean
it's not like I wanted to be here
It started when I was taken away
tides too strong for me, the pull of such, my bones too weak to contend
I didn't ever wish to breathe my last breath while spluttering sea water from my lungs
I almost wish that someone had found me like this, even planned it in my last moments
to be found floating face down in the ocean
I never planned for fish too hack off chunks of my torso
and carry it in their stomaches
only to be eaten by  sharks, who decayed in time too
and this happened hundreds of times with so many tiny fish
taking parts of me, all of me
until I had nothing left but bones for a period of time
until they wasted away and washed up onto different tides
ones i'd never seen or trod
only to wash up again and again
until I was tiny, a tiny part of the world
more insignificant than I started

every time I sweat
when you're mentioned I have to restrain from asking about you
I wonder if you feel the same way
I wonder if you remember how you use to love me

I hope he doesn't look into your eyes while you're doing it
just like he didn't me
I hope he pulls you apart into little pieces
and puts you on the mantle
and tells you that your hair is wrong or your smile is crooked
I hope he tells you that you're too much
too loud, too mean, too wrong
I hope you crumble into a thousand tiny little pieces
and fall on the floor to get trampled on

I hope he holds you down face first while you're doing it
just like he did me
I hope he puts you back together all wrong
but uses you anyway
shoves himself into every small part of you
until you ache for days and weeks
and I hope you feel it months from now
every ache yanking you farther from his side

I hope he leaves you messages on your phone, when he's feeling lonely
just like he does me
reminds you of the first night where he smothered you
with his fist alone
I hope you're in the shopping centre when you remember
and drop a jar of peanut butter onto the floor
I hope it shatters to pieces
and leaves shards of itself into your foot

I hope he stops when you say no
just like he wouldn't do for me
I hope you don't get bound and chained
with metal chain links
I hope he won't force himself into you, hard
until your eyes water so much tears roll down your cheeks
and gather at the base of your neck.

and i've got chapped lips
which hold you between them
while I light you up
I see the good in everything
while I see the worst in myself
I preen and groom you
to make you everything that I wish you were
the inward breaths are okay
it's out which makes my skin crawl
I pick at my skin until it stops filling with goosebumps
without you the days pass while I wish them away
and with you I wish the days away until I can breathe again
I want to kick you, want to kick the habit
but I want you to always know that I was the one who could love you.