i have picked up every piece of me
ever since the start
i am all i have
i will guard my heart

and slowly, slowly
i stitch it together
i take the tears i cried
and water the seeds i sow
i tend to pink tulips and tiger lilies
two flowers that sing of courage
and with time and love and care
my heart will sing again.

my heart is leaking crimson tears
from where you made your mark

the world would've been so much better
if you'd just taken me apart.

i don't think anyone likes to be alone
empty promises of after, after, after
after this is all done
after the world stops falling apart
after the bodies are set on fire
one lonely mourner per funeral

i mourn for the time we lose
the year of sitting
the year of watching
and waiting
and nothing
we are on pause while the world keeps turning
and it hurts
it hurts
it hurts.

is this my last picture?
my last text?
my last song?
please remember me by my love.

the outside is terrifying
now that i have something to live for
if i die we will have never met
i will never fulfill my promises
that i make to you every night.

i've never believed in god
but sometimes i pray to someone
anyone
that i will live another day
another year
live my life through until i am old
and satisfied
with the one i love.

fetch me out the garbage
easy catch, easy prey
take me home with you
so you can get your way

you make me hungry
i want more
your touch makes me ecstatic
but then you closed the door

litter my body with disgust
you may throw me away
i love you too much
to see you another day

infect me with your disease
til it rots me to the core
abandon my corpse until
you take the punishment i bore.

shame holds no place
in the void of heartbreak
give me something
to distract from my emotions

disgust may shine in your eyes
for i have gone astray
stain my purity with your affection
until it has finally gone away

give me money, give me love
ask me to do things just for fun
keep my eyes away from him
i won't let my mistakes happen again.

she posts pictures
of words she echoes
for everything she feels
has already been said

she invests her feelings
into a quiet site
to repeat the phrases she finds
with fake deep meanings
but genuine emotions.

pure white feathers
dropped by a precious angel's wings
i liked to collect them
and put them with my other things
but one day when i rose
there seemed to be another king
for the feathers had turned red
and the angels were held up by strings
thus the world had fallen
the devil himself sings
for purity exists no more
blood tinted feathers satan brings.

im trapped behind a one-way mirror. the outside can't see me; i don't exist to anyone besides myself, but i can see outside. i can see reality and look at my surroundings and the blinding white all around and wonder why i can't be like everyone else. gravity has deemed me unworthy for its grasp, and i float throughout my padded cell, fingers scrambling to grasp onto the slick glass of the mirror i long to shatter. and so, i float away, unbound by reality and life.

i'm deteriorating. my cage feels as if its shrinking. i'm running out of time, but i don't know what for. i'm running away from what i owe the world, but what i owe specifically is unclear. yet, the feeling of looming dread continues, stirring cauldrons of anxiety in my chest. where i was once a blooming flower, i am rotting, i am decomposing into a mess of hollow bones and aching tears and i can't stop my heart from shrinking until it melts away.

i feel a longing for things i cannot have, for hearts with other loves and for people i cannot touch. i romanticize ideas rather than act them out; i bring nothing but delusion to the table. the moment i have i no longer want, and thus the toxic cycle continues. i wish to be broken, to be hurt and stabbed, for i am an emotional ******* and i want nothing but for someone to throw me away while i am still reaching for their hand. pound blooming bruises into my chest with your rejection, because, dear sir, it's what i like best.

i am a robot. i am only apathetic or hurting.

i wish to power off.

simpering sweet words of pain
lace my muscles
with extravagant agony
don't speak to me so harshly, love
it hurts far too much

wrap blades around my heart
make me ***** blood
onto the bathroom floor
you're everything i wished for
maybe even more

curse my eyes with neverending tears
and give me a leash of thorns
**** my spirit
**** my love
with you i have become addicted
to the toxic elements of life.

heartbreak blooms
into etched sketches
on naive wrists
and gritted teeth
hasty poems
written in the shadow
of lonely tears
paint out anger
into a broken canvas.

let me offer
my twisting words
looping phrases
natural rhyming

i appeal with my poems
my validation
determined by reactions
hearts and grinning faces
my words are a pretty show
but don't take my character
for my personality

my acting gives you entertainment
but nothing of myself
i keep pieces of my heart
locked in a box beneath the stage
the set is reality
a new 3d play
the mic amplifies my thoughts
to an empty theater

hello audience.

jealousy pulls me in
tendrils of want tug at my bones
i'm watching, suffering
you don't belong to me, i know
i have no power to stop you
but still,
when i see the looks you give her
i wish to claw myself apart
i begin to fall into
the grinning maw of loneliness.

can i call you? i miss your voice
but when you answer i have no words
futile small talk does nothing
but make me stutter in anxiety
please pick up the phone
i know im but a hindrance
your studies are better
without me floundering
for something new to talk about
speaking to you is so hard
because i value what you think
how did we once carry conversations
for hours on end
when now
you're just a stranger
who stole my heart

they say time is precious
so don't waste yours on me
not me, never me
we're all getting tired of me
so wrap your time
and fold it into a napkin
with your name and number
so at least i can hover
over your contact at 4am
pretending you would pick up
if i ever called
i'm either too close or too distant
either obsessed or disinterested
i'm rapidly switching between extremes
but for some reason
i've never grown tired of you

for once, someone left me
before i could leave them.

you said you'd be here
forever, until the end
where are you right now?

- a haiku.

perceive my kindness as you will
with the flat innocence of your heart
you interpret the small gestures
and idealize my smiles
create a reality
but don't fall in
for it is but
an optical illusion.

even if they won't
you'll always be mine
run and run my love
your escape makes you break
glass courage shatters with your will
demolish your walls to reveal desperation
i will ruin you
until you crawl back to me.

you're just another year
but i hope
you'll be better
than the last.

take me into your
fog-shrouded mountains
to the cabin imbued with flames
and the galaxies of snow
waddle into the open
your glass steps crunching on broken ice
hold your mittened hand in mine
we strip our hearts under the moonlight.

you told me to wait
but never told me how long
and so i've been waiting
patiently yearning
for something that will never come.

i'm a writer by nature
but that doesn't always mean my head's in the clouds
it means my mind steals bits of reality
pieces of people
and lines from others
i forget my place and
try to act as the main character
to create experiences
but wallflowers
are the best writers of all

you give me half-hearted replies
to emotional confessions
give me an answer
no matter how harsh
for it is better to be rejected
than to be left hoping in the dark.

for right now my heart is achy,
breaky,
painful
as i am pulled
onto whatever path you see fit
it's become a tug of war
between pathos and logos
but i was overpowered long ago

is there a right way to love?
if there is, this isn't it
i'm filling my lungs with toxic gas
and my heart is melting slowly
but i've convinced my brain
to let it be
and tell myself
this poison is all for you

is there a right way to love?
i jumped into the sky
wings made of soft touches
and midnight calls
but you stopped supplying
what made me fly
and im hurtling to
the ground of harsh reality

is there a right way to love?
we crossed paths,
too early, too late
or maybe we were never
meant to reach a crossroad.

her heart is frank
bold and unforgiving
she whispers the mistakes
i quietly make
and swats my hand away
from excess food
we exercise
until our bones give out
our breaths mingling together as one
on the sweat-stained treadmill
i freeze my meals in the fridge
to deny the stench of their rot in the trash
we count the calories,
go on a diet
and cancel plans to go out
we are healthy together
we only need each other
meet my best friend, anorexia.

his beer-stained breath
makes me fearful every step
as the stained glass of the bottle
thuds against the wooden table
i have grown afraid of
the gasp of a bottle cap
for it only signifies pain

my skin is his canvas
aggressive streaks of red
graced with blooming petals of purple
speckled with nausea green
i become a painting
to be sold off for my sins

my teeth are stained with blood
i keep my mouth shut
sewed tight by the strings
he holds about my body
control is power, he says
and i control you

he created my life
and thus, i am his
forever indebted
to the man who lit a match
in the chambers of my lungs
and i am never peaceful
forever burning alive.

to consume is to live
the simple rule of nature
you must **** to survive
whether it be plant or animal

the intricacies of such
matter not
for it boils down
to eat or be eaten

and such the humans reign
in their self-glorified manger
of sparkling cities
and flashing lights

but carnage appears
creates gorey rumors
and speculations
tend to run amok

ambitious chunks of flesh
torn from fragile bodies
the teeth of a human
but the spirit of a monster

death rattles through the streets
on the bones of the fallen
self-preservation
tugs its followers behind

putrid stench
rotting antlers
skin and bones
and blood

the wendigo has arrived.

sterile smell
permeates fluorescent hallways
hardened dividing curtains
death drills an emotional well

medicine is
the heaven of hell
neverending suffering
clasped by constant beeping

private moments
spent with futile wishing
the grim reaper visits
souls beg for release

washed out flowers
wilt with their futile wishing
cold hands shake with pained smiles
say goodbye

hospitals taste like metallic death
i hate visiting you.

the people stop and stare
but make no attempt to help
the tiny girl behind the glass
being tortured by her loneliness
personified by the ghosts

they think it is a play
that my shackles are for show
but i am certain that
my rubbed-raw wrists
and tear-stained cheeks
are nothing short of real

im starving but they dont know
that when i yell they laugh
my throat is fading cracks
and my mind is flat blanks
the inky black of night
creeps on my lifeless soul
to kidnap me
take me away
once
and for all.

hard denials and rough tears
ragged sobs and pouring pleas
refusals of callous confessions
create horrible impressions
the change that overcomes
is but the factors of time's sums
quiet submission to mankind
leads you to stay confined

denial of love
you feel you don't deserve
will lead you to be sick of
your own silent unnerve.

we accept the love we think we deserve.

she bent the common objects
into fractures of musical light
of joy and sadness intertwined
she created a place for all things right.

empower
the women
but don't
hurt the men.

love
the choice
but respect
the stay.

believe
your heart
but understand
the brain.

god
doesn't want you
to **** yourself.
/
god
wants to
**** you himself.

to become a human
you must withdraw the love from your veins
and spread it on your face
to clear your skin of sins
you must hold the sorrow in your veins
let it rip your organs out
but despite the pain
hold the gore and smile

to become a human
you must abandon your soul
create a vortex of empty space
a black hole which swallows your heart
to drip ****** tears in the void below
create medals out of normality
in order to keep you sane

to become a human
you must set fire
to what you think makes you different
and laugh, for they are flaws
and while you are never perfect
you're the most normal you have ever been
and that's all that matters to you,
a human.

i'm staring at a blank screen
with the last vestiges of his voicemail
fade away in the stale air
i hear the voice of the automatic operator
more than i hear his
i've been stuck in the land of dreams
unable to face reality
but now that i've escaped
i can't find it any better
he smashed my heart
and i gathered what was left
put it in a cage, wrapped a curtain around
to remind myself to never again
i don't know how to love
i only know how to hurt
and so i hurt myself
lighting my soul aflame
and creating a wildfire of destruction.

these fries are too salty
they dry out my mouth
but i still eat them
despite their detriment to my health

these fries are too salty
but they remind me of you
back when we came to this place
together, just us two

these fries are too salty
and so are my tears
i miss you my love
but it's been years

these fries are too salty
they're the opposite of your voice
it used to be sweet
and became my comfort noise

these fries are too salty
and i'll continue thinking
but because of you i'll keep eating
it's because of you i keep sinking.

discarded instant ramen bowls
left airing in the dark
sitting next to sprite bottles
devoid of their fizzy carbonation
clothes heaped on the floor
collecting dust with homework papers
the glowing screen of the computer the only light to be seen
a figure
matted hair, dark circles under their eyes
so used to their own scent they do not realize their stench
abandoning everything besides their computer
their fingers tap quickly on the keyboard
but their eyes are dead and void
they have lost their path
they cannot find their way.

his heart is porcelain
his heart is filled with love
(his heart is full of tiny cracks
his heart is silenced above)

his lips are soft and comfy
his lips are filled with passion
(his lips are being sewn shut
his lips are cold and ashen)

his eyes are warm and dreamy
his eyes are filled with happiness
(his eyes are hollowed out and hungry
his eyes are blank and cavernous)

thank you for taking care of him!
he looks so full of joy
(what have you done to him?
my sweet band-aid boy
my love, my friend, my aid
his life has gone to shatters
his soul is shut and frayed)

i'll see you off, little girl
i'll pat you on the head
(bring back my band-aid boy
you filled him with such dread
bring back my band-aid boy
you killed him and left him dead)

i got tinder.
why?
i wanted to see if people
would find me attractive.
why?
i wanted self-validation.
why?
i constantly doubt myself.
why?
my consciousness is ingrained with past demons, and if i can't disrupt them through this menial thing like a dating app, then maybe i'm worth about as much as they say.
why?
i want to be ******* just so i can have a conversation with someone i feel some power over.
why?
i want to be in charge of something for once. i want to be sure of something for once.
why?
because i'm falling apart.

clumsily,
falling,
we tangle ourselves onto the bed

happily,
giggling,
we wrap ourselves into each other

stuttering,
blushing,
we meet somewhere in the middle.

it's spooky time
i'm old enough to not go out
to not dance with the witches
to not consort with the ghosts
but as fall's ****** approaches
and the cursed superstitions rage
i call upon the devil's day
i speak with satan's servants
i laugh at those who pray
my heart is filled with mischief
and as the night becomes tinted in black and purple
i light it up with flames
i becomes the night's mistress.

don't
spend so much time
taking things at face value
brash and decisive
rather
spend more time
delving deeper and standing by the sidelines
silent and deadly.

splattering footsteps dash
rare LA rain descending in puddles
a 7/11,
a cigarette,
a lighter
he removes the hood
revealing curved horns
clawed fingers flicking until
he lights the cigarette,
takes a smoke.

sopping wet demon in the cool rain
his yellow eyes flash with boredom
abandoned by heaven and ****** into
the hell called 'earth'.

was compliant
but wanted to be defiant
unsure of her alliance
so she stayed in her compliance
she stayed in her silence
on her man did she stay reliant
to keep quiet was her only assignment
her boyfriend was her tyrant
her own identity was a lie and
as she saw the horizon
she became a lion;
and rid herself of her relationship

triumphant.

the people inside
control my system
meticulously leading on their own lives
and their separate personalities
create me, the host
my amnesiac heart is filled with memories
in my body but not my mind
and my fingers are unfamiliar to nostalgia
as the past is faded like an old photograph
and the future is threaded with lies
the only present i have is now
and thus, i chop off my ears
so as to not hear those cries

dear hallucinations,
i do not love you so
leave my mind and reality
before the world is interrupted by my flow
my distinct lifestyle
butchered by your presence
i turn my back away
for if i faced you,
my hold on the edge would lessen

the shadows in my vision
lurk eerily beyond the veil
a crack between life and death
their claws grabbing my heart without fail
if i could restart my life
i would do so without a doubt
as this life i am living in
is sparked with everyday trials

my limbs are lead and hell beckons
if i had the nerve to **** myself
i would do so in a second.

a candle
lit in the background of the party
created for the ambiance, the flow
but not necessarily needed.
a candle,
scented and sweet,
filled with senses of warmth
but needs others to come
and light it up.
a candle,
stifled as its own wax
begins to creep up on the delicate flame.
a candle,
drowned in itself,
through burning itself out
goes unnoticed.

my soul is the weak flame
my ambition is the wax
as we begin to use more of ourselves
we begin to **** our souls
our hearts break but our minds stay strong
in the ideals of 'you must succeed'
until it is far too late to save
what is left of the fire.

flat, empty pools
of common eyes
reflect my own insanity in front of me

i drown in their relativity;
watching myself as i sink lower and lower
into the well i have dug for myself

fat teardrops burst on my face
mingling in the rain as i stare
the tumultuous clouds on fire
my skin is melting in acid rain

quietly, i shrink
my soul is fragmented and scattered
and my mind is blank of ambition

if life is simply a simulation
i hope the computer breaks soon
if life is simply a projection of my mind
i hope my life ends soon.

panicked heartbeats banging like a drum against my porcelain ribcage
nerves running through electric veins, painful in their persistence and irregularity
soft tears whisper down flushed cheeks in helplessness as
i shake, alone and in the dark
waiting for someone else's name to appear on my screen.

starstruck your
galaxy enveloped my lungs
filled them with nebulas
and made my heart glow

starstruck your
hands made my eyes glimmer
as they looked through a telescope
searching through the skies
until they found you

starstruck your
quiet voice burst through my soul
your words a supernova that
made my cheeks burn
and a shy smile appear
as we watched the skies together
a comet above
and,
starstruck your
lips met mine
as we embraced under the moon.

do you remember?

us and our fleeting gazes
hovering on the other
for just a second
before fleeing away?

our warm hugs and
bright smiles
matching the glory
of the sun?

the layers protecting our hearts
slowly falling away
until there was no need
for them to exist anymore?

but now your heart is locked tight
and your demeanor somber
i miss you but,
is it not my fault you aren't sober?