jealousy infects my mind
confusion clouds my senses
i do not know why i suddenly long
for your butterfly-light kisses
for the taste of your cherry-flavored lipbalm
why suddenly our song is playing on the radio
i yearn for your reassuring whispers
thin fingers carding through strands of my hair
i watch with rage-filled possessiveness
as you smile that special smile
and kiss your newest lover
my replacement.

lollipop pursed between plump lips
windswept purple hair against dim blue skies
billowing clouds soar ahead
sweater sleeves draped over the palms of your hands
your eyes curved upwards in a smile
round gold frames of thick glasses sparkle in the sunset
pale cheeks dusted with rosy blush
earbuds in, mouth open
song bursting from your core

it may be cheesy, but i love you.
i was banished from your heart long ago, but you still reside in mine.
happy valentines day.

From,
your bittersweet ex who still dreams of your kisses.

bile rises to the top of my throat
nails scratching at unblemished skin
red streaks fade to white
hyperventilating,
quick and unsteady
knock back sleeping pills but still not asleep
more and more and more and more until

put me on a surgical table
you wont be able to find whats wrong until you dissect my brain
gray matter twisted and poisoned
corrupted by irrationality
fake eyes stare blankly at the bright ceiling lights
awake as you slide the scalpel
sensual as you smoothly cut me open
i wonder what it feels like
to handle a dead body with such care
your gloved fingers are gentle against my dead skin
my brain is in a jar
test subject #2999
the only thing i ever accomplish is in death

please help my
eyes focus once again
please help pull
my brain out of the well it's dug for itself
because it dug itself too deep
and now it's drowning in a lethargic gray
you cant be saved unless you want to be saved
i didnt know how much i missed
listening without a heavy buzz over the underwater sounds
seeing without lights magnified thanks to diluted pupils
tasting without tongue feeling like a weight and all food the same, ugly flavor
talking without the mumbled incoherence that comes with having too much
smelling without the numbed scent of faint perfumes and then nothing
i want to listen to your mellifluous laughter
i want to see your bright eyes sparkle with excitement
i want to taste milkshakes with shared straws
i want to talk like a human, make jokes and laugh
i want to smell your perfume and hold your hand
won't you help me sober up?
i was in love with my addiction but now im in love with you.

ugly crying at 4am
choking the liquid out of ugly glass beer bottles
inhale lines of snowy bliss
only to come down an hour later with a pounding headache
inject euphoria into pale arms
polka dotted with needle marks and marred by mottled bruises
take the heart filled with tiny seams and split it in two
laugh because yeah, that's what i deserve
line after line, day after day
when my luck runs out i'll finally be free
i wouldn't **** myself but i wouldn't save myself if i was dying
**** all day and all night because on crack it feels like heaven
wake up from od'ing with a seizure and with the broken streetlight flickering above my head
cracked sobs and tearing at hair because
i dont deserve to live

START GAME?
>yes
.the scene opens up to the main character typing away on their computer.
READ?
>yes
        .pixelated world
        .terrifyingly bland
        .if i reach my hand through the veil,
        .will i finally break free of reality?
        .i feel like a video game character
        .filled with predestined routes
        .numbers make my existence possible
        .my world is l-la%#gGi)ng
        .my brain cannot keep up with
        .the prospect of li@Vi$#nG(
        .free will is impossible in a
        .V(IdE@)!O G#*$AM(#"E
THIS PROGRAM HAS SHUT DOWN.
RESTART?
>yes
.the character is speaking.
        [why can't you just leave me to die?]
.the character is staring straight at you.
EXIT GAME?
>no
.the character is clawing at their skin.
       [i need to escape. please let me escape.]
EXIT GAME?
>no
.the character's skin is melting off.
      [when will it be the end? when will my soul leave this game? i'm sick and
        tired of playing! it hurts! it hurts! everything hurts!]
EXIT GAME?
>no
.the character is dying. their mouth continues to move.
     [when it says THE END, don't restart.]
.their hands claw at the other side of the screen.
.their hands fall on the floor.
.there is nothing left.
EXIT GAME?
>no
.the screen resets.
.the character is sitting on their bed, facing the screen.
.their eyes are blank.
.it's time for school.
GET UP?
>yes
.the character stands.
.the character smiles.
.the character shoots themselves.
THE END
RESTART?
>...
>yes

[is this nothing but a game to you?
stop playing with me.
i am done with suffering.]

.the character is done with living in a predestined world.

X YOUR COMPUTER HAS CRASHED.


        .