you tell me
i do not know what real pain is
you do not know me
despite my age being
a significant part of what my identity is
i do not feel as if i
am what it represents
i have grown up too quick
learned life lessons too soon
as if somewhere along the line
my brain was fast-forwarded
while the rest of the world
stayed still

force your lips upwards
show your teeth in a gray imitation of happiness
it feels natural after
years of acting practice
to just pretend
you love the people here
you love living
you love being a person
you love life
smile happily because if you don't
you won't survive.

deep eye bags set deep within my skull
it's nighttime and i cannot sleep
my brain rushes ahead at supersonic speed
excitedly greeting the moon
enjoying its time around the stars while
i sit, procrastinating
attempting to deny the reality
of sunday night means monday morning is soon
sunday night yet the pages are still fresh white
graphite markings are yet to be found
printing pages filled with *******
and writing answers with no real meaning
no one is awake at 3 am
except the night owls

when you tell me you like my poems
i wonder if you are scared for my mental health
i wonder that this glimpse into the dark twisted forest that is my mind
that you will run away from me
i wonder if you want to be involved with a mess
like myself
who rants through poetry by putting myself into the shoes of made up people with made up faces and made up scenarios
i wonder if you want to know what im really thinking
i wonder if your smile will disappear if i drag you into this neverending void of what am i doing what am i doing maybe i should die?
i wonder if you realize that what i say is fake and im just a really really good actor and maybe i should try out for hollywood im that good at faking my feelings
i wonder if you will read this and realize that yes this too is also fake i am putting myself in the shoes of a desperate lover with mental illness injected into their brain, an iv drip attached to their wrist feeding them pain and suffering instead of healing and love
i wonder if you will ever be a real person, if this ambiguous you will become a he or a she or an i love
i wonder if you would ever accept the problems i hold or if you'll grow tired of my constant whining, like everyone else
i wonder if you will treat me like a delicate piece of porcelain just because i have mental problems, or if you'll treat me like a scrap of paper left on the floor of an abandoned classroom
i wonder if you will ever care if i died

when you tell me you like my poems
i smile and say thank you! i'll be writing more, so keep in touch.

don't smile
or they'll find you
they'll find your weaknesses
and they'll hurt you
don't speak
for every word tumbling
carelessly from your fragile lips
will become your worse enemy
don't cry
they'll hurt you even more
it'll be their incentive
to do it even more
even as your body is
wrecked beyond compare
sew your lips together
with needle and thread
don't scream
they love it when you scream
they love it when your throat grows hoarse
and they keep going even though you
can't even whimper
in defense
don't resist
there's no use
there's no purpose
no one cares
you could die
and they wouldn't bat an eye
one punching bag gone
would mean one more to
take your place
suffer so no one else needs to
be theirs
they've marked you
as their own
despite the sick relationship
you are theirs
succumb to their wrath
and serve to their will

open your bible
and pretend that you are not gay
sing songs in the church choir
smile and clap after the priest
finishes his sermon about
those **** homosexuals and their filthy sins!
but they find out anyways
god doesnt love you
no one does

s stands for the way you stood
   looking at my face as if it were the most disgusting thing you'd ever
   seen
   cuts marring my face and
   blood dripping down my cheek
   despite how much i tried to make myself beautiful for you
u stands for the way you spat useless
   followed by a vicious smack resounding around the room that was ours
   im sorry i didnt know you were coming home so early please give me
   10 minutes ill make dinner for you then how about you watch the game
   for now? please stop hurting me i dont know what happened to you
i stands for the way you innocently
   claimed that i was the reason for all our hardships
   and the reason for why our son had committed suicide
   acting as if you hadnt abused him until the day he died
   while i lay on the floor, passed out
d stands for the way you delighted
   in watching the basketball game while i had a panic attack in the corner
   shivering and whimpering for you to please help me my medicines in
   the medicine cabinet, please, please, please i think im dying, please,
   wouldn't someone save me?
a stands for the way you accidentally
   hit me the first night
   and then the second
   and then the third
   and then every day until
   you didnt even bother to call it an accident anymore
l stands for the way you left
   without a single regret
   leaving me, your once-beautiful wife
   destroyed by you
suicidal stands for the way you
   shattered me into a million pieces
   and forever fractured my identity

speak up against abuse.

desperate lips
panting breaths and
awkward laughs
"is this okay?"
needy, grabby hands
caressing porcelain skin
gentle smiles
dark rooms and downy sheets
teeth clashing with passion
tongues dancing, eyes closed
bent over
soft sounds
whimpers muffled by pillows
mine, mine, mine
all mine.