Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
Rachel Giudici Feb 2014
I never knew what loneliness was until I your cure for it
you detached me from identity
you dismissed me from a capaticy to feel and ignored that I ached for you
ached to love you with my faceless face
ached to love you with my body that you made mechanical
ached to love you with my soul that you denied, refused, dismissed, me of having
your intentions blurred me into nothing and you say that that was not your intent
but why do you take me like you mean to write me into poetry but then erase my essence off your pages
you are a black hole diminishing me into an abyss of your neglect, and rejection so I am ceaselessly falling into your darkness and not your love

to love you with all my exsistencne nonexsistently
I alway love with all my exsistence nonexsistently

I am alone in my accidental purpose and reasons and secrets and confessions and everything unspoken
i want to be silence to you
the silence that echos with words and feelings that exsist but remain nonexsistent
and i ache to love you with my voiceless voice but whats the use in emphasiszing my insanity by speaking aloud to myself?
so ill stay consumed in thinking to myself thoughts meant for you deprived of meaning by you

I've been alone in love every time I've loved
and alone I love more
but i've never felt such utter loneliness before as you keep a memeory but forget me within it
fade me into insignificance so my name is a word and not a meaning, not a nickname for my essence but remembered as just a presence
a witness to you breathing-dissolving myself into your inhale and vanishing as you expel me with your exhale

i look into your eyes like i look into a mirror
trying to see myself inside but being nothing more than a surface reflection

i never understood lonliness until i felt yours
the disconnect as our eyes connected
the detachement as our hands attached
the distance as our lips met

never have I felt so far when being so close
never have I craved so much an intamacy that will never be intimate
never have I felt love in being so unloved

before i was alone but did not feel the pain of solitude
before i was in solitdue but did not feel the hurt of being alone
now i'm in a lonely love for you
and i'm addicted to the nothingness you make me
but i wish you loved me into something
i wish you loved me
(mymuse)
Rachel Giudici Feb 2014
SUNDAY
written: July 13, 09 sunday (of course)

simplicity just isnt me
intricate intamacy
leaves me breatheless
helpless

don't leave me here naked
stripped of all i am
don't leave me here now to die in my shame
and give into my concioius screaming my name
this is where you take away the pain
you inflict on me
help me breathe
please

and i broke
though i swore i wouldn't
and i only blame myself
and they tell me i shouldn't
i should hate you
for only wanting this from me
but i couldn't stand too make you unhappy

your miserable
and i pity your insanity
and i'm terrible
for trying to make you happy
at least that's what they think

i'm torn
and i don't want to do this anymore
but i can't stand to let you go cuz it'd hurt you,hurt me more then you know

you help me breathe
the only thing keeping me sane while pushing me over the edge of insanity
the pain oh the pain

let me pull up my pants
i can't unless you tell me your satisfied with me
finally happy
ive given up fighting agaist your hands
someday they'll understand why i can't live without them

your invisible touch
suduction that inspires my ****** lust
for you
this is all i have to do
to prove to you i'm true  

pocessed by you
obsessed with you
undress for you
because you asked me too

pocessed by you
obsessed with you
undress for you
because you need me too

it's the least i can do
for someone so upset
for someone who needs me
i can't hold regret
for you, i'll never forget
though remembering makes me sick
a lifetime of this uncurable illness
a sacrafice i took to try to save you from your disease
and i'd willing die naked to save you from your suffering
and i'd willing die naked to save you from your suffering

PUNISHMENT
PUNISHMENT
PUNISHMENT
Rachel Giudici Feb 2014
All Of ME
written: july 8th, 09 Wednesday

broken desire,
unbearable pain,
haunting passion,
white room dreams,
all equal secret insanity.
all equal me.

your skin
your lips
your eyes
your tears
temptations that possess me

i still dream of you
and it pushes me over tha edge
as i scream in slience
and i hear you voice in my head
suductive and kindless

taunting me
haunting me

just illision
i'm delusional

i want you so badly
you make me forget
the regret
and the incurable infections of my heart

you can call me selfish
i am
but your a insure desperate man

paranoid thoughts,
deprived imagination,
isolated pride
and sweet desperation

you and me and our bodies
you and me and our bodies

entwined
as i breathe in your name
and my lungs hurt with tha pain

something i can never have
i tasted the sweetness and i want it bad

your magical sin
giving in.....to impurities  

now you have all of me
Rachel Giudici Feb 2014
SILENCE THA VOICES

written: july 8th,09 wendsday

breaking all tha glass
forgetting all tha terror
everything feels better when i can't remember
you

forgetting the pain is impossible
the more i try
the more i **** my soul

the more i **** myself
it's to late for help

these 4 white walls
reflect my insanity
torture my mind by locking me behind with these voices
that whisper me lies
and i cry
because i know their right

then these walls turn to glass
and everyone can see me destroyed
no more secrets to protect myself from the noise
and you look into my eyes
and i scream with the voices that's mine

no where to hide
i can't take the exposure
i can never have closeur
this has to be over

silence tha voices

silence tha voices

silence tha noises

i love you

breaking all tha glass
forgetting all tha terror
everything feels better when i can't remember
you
Rachel Giudici Feb 2014
SONG:
what would you say if i told you i wanted to end my life
would you cry
what would you say if i told you that i hurt everyday
and i can't take the pain

would you lie and tell me everything will be fine
hold me close hold me tight
or would you scream and tell me to get away
cause your, your so ashamed and how could i throw it away
or would you understand and take my hand and forgive me for leaving you
oh tell me what would you do



POEM:

what would you say if i told you i wanted to end my life?
would you cry?
what would you say if i told you that i hurt everday
and i can't take the pain?
would you lie and tell me everthing will be fine?

what would you say if i told you goodbye?
what would you say when you got the call saying i committed suicide?
would you say you love me? or that you loved me?
2011
Rachel Giudici Feb 2014
She was in love with a soldier. His name was Peter Calveen and young was she when she fell for him. He was beautiful and strong with curly brown hair and enchanting blue eyes that sparkled behind long black eyelashes. But it was not his beauty or his glory that had enticed her to love him for she was in love with his defiance. She was captivated by his valiant and cavalier air and seduced by his command and control. She craved for his confidence and slightly arrogant manner; to taste the taste of vanity and to touch the beauty of pride.
She peered out the window to see the fields covered in leaves of auburn and gold. Delicate drops of dew shimmered upon the leaves in the morning sun like tears. She quickly dressed and quietly stepped outside into the icy air. She walked down the avenue and slipped between the trees to a small bench that looked upon a pond. She did not sit but instead crouched by the frozen ice and touched its fragile surface. No scratches or marks had yet broken the cold mirror and she looked into it at her reflection. Her cheeks and nose were a gentle shade of peach caressing her porcelain skin. Her slightly parted lips kissed the mist in a beautiful passive curve as a small dimple on her left cheek pinched the slanted line of her mouth. Even her breathing took on a musical quality as she panted misty ringlets into the air. Her hair fell in elegant golden curls neatly down the crevice of her back. Her eyes sparkled in a flawless shade of hazel as tints of green tickled the edge of her pupil. She looked upon the ice past her reflection to just admire the perfection of each ice crystal.
She thought of Peter’s eyes. They were hard and cold, yet the most enticing blue like the angry sea in the early morning trying to destroy the sand in beautiful foam punches full of tortured beauty. She thought of his body broken in scars, each one seeming like a delicate stitch holding him together. She thought of his lips flavored with sin and curse but still capable of seducing even the purest of angels. Her pulse tickled her veins like laugher as she thought of his heart tired and worn but still throbbing a glorious battle of youth and honor.
She looked again at her face and then into the ice itself. Then, closing her eyes, she raised her hand over her head and drove her fist into the cold stone. Her slender delicate fingers crippled, her knuckles becoming numb and swollen, as her fingernails cracked and shattered. She rose, smiling, and walked away leaving behind her a small crack in the ice.
Clutching her bruising hand as shattered droplets of icicles fell from her eyes to stain her skin in permanent misery, she received word that Peter Calveen had died in combat. A bullet to his heart.






Said the mail boy, “I’d never seen such a beautiful girl before. One becomes so captivated by the tint of ice blue around the edges of her eyes. Winter is here.”
Rachel Giudici Feb 2014
and every time you say i love you
my soul aches vulnerable and whispers its secret
tickling my veins with staccato laughter
pulsating my heart with taunting palpitations
...too
and when i hear the slurr of La leave your cracked lips and the sensuous caress of the Vvvv against your tongue as your soprano voice decrescendos into a forgotten essence of beautiful sound, I breathe to hold my breath to let your music resonate in the quite rhythm of your inhale, exhale
...too
and
every manically scratched line in the etch-a-sketch patterns of my hand
every strand of tousled hair
every flutter of my feather duster eyelashes
every scribbled freckle upon every cell of skin
every taste bud adorning my tongue
every part of my being...too
i love you
Next page