Lying in the dark
Your soft snoring makes me smile
It will be okay

You say that you are useless.
What does that even mean?
How can a person be useless?
What would that even mean?

Not fulfilling the intended purpose.
That is what useless means.
So what is the purpose of humans?
Isn’t it just in the being?

So if a person’s purpose is being.
And that person is being each day.
Then a person cannot be useless.
No matter what that person may say.

When you can’t find the word.
And you search for the word.
And you wish you had the word.
And then somebody says the word.
And then you have the word
But you hate that it’s the word.
Cause even though it’s the right word,
It ***** that it’s the word.

Cause it’s despair.
I feel despair.
That’s the word I couldn’t find.
The word to describe what’s in my mind.
It’s despair.
The word is despair.

Despair. Good word.
****** feeling but good word.

I don’t wanna get up.
I wanna stay here in bed.
A million things to do to you
Running through my head.
Those lips, those hips, I tighten my grip.
You’re the sexiest boy there is.
No I don’t wanna get up.
Cause baby if I did.
I’d have to leave you here alone in this bed.

It's so hard to be patient.
Waiting, waiting, waiting.

Tense, alert, on edge.
Waiting, waiting, waiting.

Checking the time, seconds passing.
Waiting, waiting, waiting.

Thoughts racing, questioning.
Waiting, waiting, waiting.

Fears spiraling, escalating.
Waiting, waiting, waiting.

Please, please, please.
Waiting, waiting, waiting.

Please make it stop.
Waiting, waiting, waiting.

In January I met a ****-voiced boy online.
In March we played games and talked all the time.
On the last day of April, I told him I loved him and then researched “is it love?” until May.
Six days later we realized we were dating and we’ve been dating everyday since that day.
Now it’s November, and in 11 months time the ****-voiced boy from online is all mine.

Your fear is so big.
Your body can’t contain it.
So you destroy things.

Your rage is so strong.
Your jaw can’t clench hard enough.
So you hit yourself.

Your pain is so sharp.
Your heart can’t survive the hits.
So you aim outward.

You’re not a monster.
You’re not bad.
You’re not an evil narcissist.
You’re not going mad.

You’re my sweet, kind boy who feels everything so much.
You’re my tender-hearted little one who brings me joy, love, laughter and such.

Don’t worry little prince, I’m not going away.
I see you, I love you, and I’m here to stay.

Feeling
Everything.
Always
Running.
Forever
Unsure.
Life.

Inhale, feel the sadness.
Exhale, let go of the sadness.

Inhale, feel the pain of not being able to help someone you love.
Exhale, let go of the pain.

Inhale, feel the confusion of not knowing the right thing to do.
Exhale, let go of the confusion.

Inhale, feel the crushing fear of rejection and abandonment.
Exhale, let go of the fear.

Inhale, feeling all the things.
Exhale, letting them go.

Nothing left but emptiness.
What do I want now?
To drift into the darkness, floating on your beautiful voice.
Lead me with your words into the quiet, numb darkness.

Sitting at your feet, waiting for attention.
Being the best girl I can be, striving for perfection.

When you glance down and smile, my body buzzes with joy.
I yearn to be used, touched, played with like a toy.

I submit myself to your hand with absolute trust.
Just a look can cause my spirit to soar high or be crushed.

When your gaze slides past me, unseeing, disconnected.
I feel empty, abandoned, completely rejected.

So I sit at your feet and wait for attention.
Longing for approval, hoping for affection.

I wish I could reach out and hold your hand. Wish connecting with me didn’t feel like a demand.

Wish my heart didn’t break every time you pulled away.  Wish that I could just believe that it’s gonna be okay.

Wish we weren’t so mismatched in this way.

Wish I didn’t feel rejected when you only need some space.  Wish my mind would stop screaming that I’ll never be safe.

Wish my life still felt good enough without you.  Wish everything hadn’t changed what I thought I knew.

Wish we weren’t so mismatched in this way.

Wish I could do anything but sit here waiting. Wish this whole ******* thing wasn’t so frustrating.

Wish the tears would do their job and wash away this pain. Wish I didn’t hate myself for feeling this way again.

Wish we weren’t so mismatched in this way.

Wish I could feel okay on my own for just one day.

Wish I knew why things changed and my independence went away.

The sky is dripping.
It’s gray sadness mirrors mine.
We are both crying.

You and the sun are both gone.
The fire crackles.
I long for your warmth instead.

My heart fills with happiness when…
I walk hand-in-hand with my love through our town.
I sit on our porch, listening to birdsong.
I laugh.

My heart fills with happiness when…
I hear my children speak wisdom that teaches me something new.
I watch a bee find the perfect flower.
I sing.

My heart fills with happiness when…
I let go of expectations and just exist as myself.
I hear him call me his best girl.
I feel.

Isn’t it interesting?
Sometimes we find more than we’re looking for.
After the pain, the tears and the suffering,
After the dust settles back to the floor,
Connection surprises and delights us,
Helping to bring back the laughter.
Empowered to make different choices
Naturally collaborating on this new chapter.
Seeing new hope rise from the ashes of loss
Imagining and creating what we desire
Namely, a safe place to share our thoughts
Giving each other the support we require
Every interaction building a little more trust
Really, isn’t it interesting how we are becoming “us”?