it's been too long
since I've sat here like this writing
and feeling
untangling the knots of my emotions

they get so complex sometimes
I feel lost
and defeated
drowning beneath all the *******

it's been too long
since I've sat here like this
no other stimuli besides music and ideas
exploring my inner world

it can get so complex sometimes
I feel overwhelmed
don't even know myself
drowning beneath the misinformation

I am not
this sadness
I am not
this happiness
I am not even
this neutrality

I am nothing.

I am something far better
call it
Adaptability

I'm so tired and done with pretending I'm fine
so just for tonight
I'm taking off my mask
and I'm gonna be weak
I'm worn out
I'm beat
my fighting spirit has left
I can't even speak
All I can do is poison myself
stare at the moon
and wish for some peace

I need a forest to wander
I need to get lost in some trees
I need you to forget me so I won't feel so guilty
if I choose eternal sleep

This is for the lonely people
who carry so much pain
but still wear a smile on their face
clinging to hope desperately
believing that one day everything will change

This is for those who have given their soul to someone
only to have it thrown back in their face
yet they still have the courage to believe in love

This is for the broken ones
who carefully pick up each shard of themselves
eyes filled with tears
and hands dripping blood from where each piece cut them
in the process

This is for the ones who conjured the strength
to put the puzzle of themselves back together
filling in the cracks and missing spots with melted gold
becoming more beautiful than an intact person could ever be

Blessed are we who understand pain so well
because it teaches us to cherish our joy more than most

How do you let go
of the one you love the most?
That's irrational

You hurt me so much
but my feelings never change
That's irrational

A poison to me
yet the only cure I find
******* paradox

A single earring
A pair of shoes
A heart full of poems
All about you
Confused party girl
what should I do?
A dream we dreamt
torn in two
you said it wasn't me
it was you

A modest wedding
A simple living
A gallery of art
All about the love you've given me
Plagued with other emotions now
Hate
Pain
Forgiveness
How to change
the wickedness of my ways

So what went wrong?
Why did you run away
even when I fought so hard
just to get you to stay
You threw it down the drain
just so you could go off
play some games
Could you understand my pain?
Why did we talk about a future
if you didn't want it anyways?
Are you really that cold a person
when your skin was so warm?
Was all that crying in my arms simply a farce?
Do I really want to know the answers to these questions?
All I know right now is that it feels like I've lost my heaven

Eat
Chase money
****
Eat
Go home
Eat
Breed
****
Sleep
Dream (if you're lucky)
REPEAT

Is this humanity?
It make me want to scream
the endless routine
just ain't for me
there's only one answer that I seek
Death
must be
the only freedom

I wonder what would happen if I told you that I miss you
that I love you
life seems only hard all because you
are so ****** and apparently just confused
would that be fair for me to say
and accept as simply the truth?
Maybe it's just because I'm a fool
but I think I played a part in the downfall too
so I'll gladly take some blame
and I know it might not mean much to say it
but I'm sorry I couldn't be better babe
I'm sorry neither of us could be saved
and that it had to end this way

As it begins it always ends
remember be grateful
living while also dead
what a paradox we struggle in
we want the heavens
but
we also want the sin

I believe in love
but I don't think it's for me
it comes and goes just like a dream
strong at first but quickly fades away for most it seems

Whatever happened to forever?
Never giving up?

My generation is a ******* paradox
we're kinda cool
but we really ****

"instant satisfaction please, and remember not to give a ****, yolo, drown yourself in alcohol and have a side of drugs, keep on raging till your numb"

She sat at the bus-stop
waiting for me
her goal was set
not to let me free
I knew not who she was
just another person to me
I knew not that gruesome fact of why she was really here
though I wondered why she gazed at me with such piercing stare

To think I thought I would be going home
what a stupid thought to be said
because instead she would follow me and take my soul
it was my time
as soon it will be yours
and theirs
and soon you too will see this mysterious lady
this lady is Death as you may have figured out
and now
it's time for me to go

Demon or an angel?
I'm sorry I can't save you
I'm sorry that I blame you
for causing all these issues
Baby, I just miss you
I just wanna hold you
I just wanna kiss you
I just want you to see
how much you mean to me

It was the end of middle school
we met through your friend
I remember that Aquabats shirt
you wore to Elitch Gardens
Now I was with your friend
You were with mine
and in the midst of all this
grand old time
we caught each others eye
It's clear why you caught mine
but why I caught yours I'm still unsure
**** it,
don't question ****
cause I can feel that fire burn
Love had hit me hard
and this is where the story starts

Let's pray to the stars
you aren't a snake
in the grass my friend
because I can guarantee
I'm not remotely afraid
to make that mistake again
but this time
I'll remove your ******* head
and put this **** to an end

Hold your happiness in your hands
stare deeply
examine all of the characteristics of
this emotion
it's tiny cracks
the faint glow of energy
the wear on it from flipping it around
twisting it
and turning it
in between your hands
until you fiddled too much
and on the ground it drops to land
and
SMASH
there it is now
only pieces on the ground
only just a memory now

You ****** ****
I ******* love your idiotic ***
for some imbecilic reason
even with all your ****** flaws
from your dry, scaly skin
and wrathful vengeance
to your total disregard for me
flirting around in my face
sending those pictures right next me
the disrespect you spit
talking to your girlfriends
about how good this guy was
how great that guy was
telling tales glorifying your
twisted promiscuity
and I just sit there and listen
slowly dying inside
and all because you said
"I love you"
last night

Put on those headphones
go on
put them on

now
find that song
you know
"the" song
or if you're like me
"that" playlist

now
listen
sing
scream
cry
please

experience the relief
that comes with this
therapy

now
bob your head gently
rock your body
but don't move your feet
pretend you're a tree
swaying with the breeze

now
enjoy this peace

because soon you'll see
it
always
leaves

so just press repeat

****** silly humans
I love them
(for the most part)
but I wish they could pull their **** together
wrap their heads around the concept
of unity
as a whole
not this silly nation *******
these frivolous little traditions to separate themselves
the ignorance that different is bad
as in skin
methods of teaching and thought
genders
preferences
those deplorable emotions of greed and fear
and their brainless
(not to include candy-***)
NEED for a government and religion

The will though
The soul
That's what makes me love a human

Is it true?
There's only one soulmate?
I hope it isn't
I pray to everything

Because if there's only one
only one
that one
she's gone
don't misunderstand
she's alive
but she's gone

I thought soulmates were meant though
why was she my soulmate?
She didn't feel the same way
I should have went after
but I'm sick of the chase

I think i'll just lie here
comforted in darkness
writing crazy little things
until I hit some sort of
stupid
*******
epiphany

oh, wait, I have some xanies
woopee

blast off
high as a kite
unsure of how the words are being put here as I speak
fungi gots my fingers tapping on the keys
puffing green
keeps away the demons in me
while I listen to some Beats Antiques
through some Dr. Dre Beats
am I awake
or am i asleep?
Questions
keep egging me
and back to reality
I'll creep

There are worse things than
being alone
And it's been a tough ride
but I'm starting to believe
Bukowski is right
and all this time
I've spent on trying to retrieve
the unretrievable
was a waste of some life
But, *******
at the very least
you're such a pretty sight

This snow shall surely be the death of me
it's grip is stiffining
I can feel the death of everything
this pain is quickening
until it has consumed me

this cold will wage war and freeze this heart
until my warmth is gone
and try, try, try
I find no one
so fry fry fry
my mind mind mind

this chilly breeze beckons ******* demons.
deep from within the human soul
they'll tell you stories
things you won't adore
but you can't help but to
relate in some sick twisted way
consumed by pain

I got too high
I flew too close to the sun
My wings ignited in flames
and burnt up to nothingness
I fell down
and I don't like what I've fallen in

Sometimes I wanna cry
For the lost love
I'm sure has died

Drunk again, this stupud grudge
H as pushrd me to the end
My hwart is fried
Eecipher my wirds
Just give it a try

I'm sur you'll find
That I
Am not the bird
That's w orth
The
Fy cking wirds
.
I'm sure you heard
I'm a loser
Becaude I don't hook up
Don't comr between a couple

I have a rule
It goes like this
Dont loik fir gild
among the rubble

If she can't love you
Toss yer with thr othrrs


Motherfuckrr.

I will never die
I will only transform
I will never cry
I will only smile
I will never hate
I will only love
I will never surrender
I will give up my humanity
and become a Demon once again
to keep away those vile disgusting weak things
known as humans
that only admire themselves
and make up stories of God and the Devil
to scare others into thinking like them

I will rise
I will rise
I will rise

When a man
is powerful
Not with riches
But with Wisdom
and Integrity
In Death
he becomes
a...

God

Let us diverge
You & I
For what was once there
has long died
Maybe the right term
is half-dead
because it lives on in me
keeping me awake at night in bed

So,
let us diverge
Me & You
Our love is too explosive
and burns out too soon
Maybe the right term
is caustic
I don't know about you
but it drives me psychotic

*******
all of it
A bunch of *******
The greatest poet
had it right
this world is chaos
meaningless
with small windows
of meaning
ideas of
love
emotion
the real
                                                                                                                                    too bad
                                                                                                                                    we're saturated in
                                                                                                                                    the materialistic
                                                                                                                                    the fake
                                                                                                                                    the cattle

Why do I do what I do?
Because I love you.
It's as simple as that.
I want you to be happy.
That is all.
Because that is love to me.
I love you enough to let you free.
To make your own decisions,
to make your own life.
Maybe I'll be in it,
Maybe not,
and I accept that.
That is love.
Acceptance.
That you are in control of one thing.
Your own life.
If you want me in your life,
If you ever need me,
You know where to find me.
I'll always be here,
For my first love.
The most prominent,
The very best,
but please, experience,
before you give up.
That's all I ask.

I could tell what you were thinking
******* me with
Lust-filled eyes

Drowning me with naughty thoughts
and an animalistic desire
as you crept closer,
licking your lips seductively
like a lioness moving in
for the ****

                                                                                     I don't think you realized how bad I wanted you too.

The little whimpers and whines of want
you would secretly secrete in my vicinity
made my heart maniacal
because I knew I would not
have you that night.

My poor generation
we're drowning in the *******
we're buying into the tasty lies.

We're born and raised
believing we can do what WE want
and so few realize
sure,
we CAN do what WE want
BUT, should we?
Should we question ourselves?
I believe we should
because how can you be so sure
in a rapidly transforming world like ours?

That's why I say
We are the Lost generation
Lost amongst the pretty lights and fun
shoved down our throats since birth.

It's all we know
we lost Compassion
and embraced Greed.

Look,
we're being ******
and we have to realize
we're ******* ourselves.

It hits in waves.

To begin,
it throws a right jab
(the lack of energy
with a hefty dose of insomnia.)

Next,
it follows up with a nasty left hook
(the irritability)
(the self-doubt)
(the mood swings)
(the paranoia.)

And finally,
it finishes you
a mean right uppercut
with those bone-crushing
cataclysmic
abysmal
angry
angsty
blues.

Gripped by a dark world,
NO hope
NO light
and most painfully
NO LOVE.

Regardless of how hard
you search
you know
it can only be taught to you again
because you don't recognize it anymore
it is a blank spot now.

You knew you would have to pay the price
to experience such a sensation
and you'd heard of the stories of how it
changed people
but you still craved that excitement
of the unknown
the forbidden fruit
and you had your taste
but it consumed you too
until now,
you're fighting the beast
that threatens to
overthrow the true you.

This is a fight you must not lose.

Your deep brown eyes
always captivated  me
because they shone like the moon
full of love
in this loveless world

Your smile
brightened my life
and made everything
oh so much more bearable
because it reminded me that
we can truly be happy

I hope you know
your love is my savior
but it is a double-edged sword
because ultimately
when your love is gone
when those big brown eyes that would gaze upon me with such longing
when that jagged smile that was oh so goofy but so so bright
is gone
it destroys me

Thoughts of foolish love
fill my head
This pain in my heart makes me believe
LOVE is truly dead

So I just
sit
think
wonder
can I provoke apathy
to possibly save me?

I need out of this
I need to stop caring
I need to move on
for your happiness


and for my health

Today, the day,
I feel love AND hate
blending
twisting
together
Maybe it's just fate
but she's chosen him over me
most likely based on the fact
that he is superior
to my inferiority.

It's something I can't
quite understand
because I would have
treated you better
than any other man can.

Look into my eyes
Now tell me, what do you see?
A Sinner? or Saint?

Maybe different?
Perhaps a Human? or GOD?
You see what you want

Hello so nice to hear from you again.

Hope all is well in life
and hope you know I miss you my dear friend!
I've come to see the world is in strife.
people drowning in their own fear,
it makes me want to cry my dear.

I ask why?!
Why must we be afraid?!
Why do we continue to live this **** lie?!
Letting others tell us how to live our lives!
Well I say NO! Not I!
I've been doing as you say,
being the most me I can everyday
because where's the point in being fake?

This world makes me sick.
Everyday I hope and pray for Death to kiss me on the lips.
We stay blind to others pain
We participate in this little game
and those that don't are deemed insane
because those ones break the cycle of society
those ones are the ones who are truly free
and it pains them to see the world playing pretend
living so blindly happy.

Every once and awhile
I escape
I get out of this place
It's only momentarily though
I know I will return
Even if I don't want to
(which I don't)
I'll be back here
Just lying
Lying in bed
Not wanting to move
Cursing the world
In a prison of boredom fueled
sorrow


Nothing to think about
Nothing to take my mind off it
Nothing to fill the hole

She is on my wall.
She is perfect.
I had no idea I could create
something so BEAUTIFUL.
Modeled off a real love
BUT an amalgamation of two,


loves that is.
My own Frankenstein
but more exquisite
and fine


A lovely being
put onto paper
with a nice flower
that is a manifest of my love.

It's pointless
Lying here all day
Childish dreams
A diet of
Whiskey and Coke
Cigarettes and ****
Food just seems so unappealing
Sometimes
Other times
I participate
In a gluttonous ritual
and eat everything at hand.
It
Makes
Me
Sick.
Oh well though,
Life goes on.

Sure, your physical beauty is what caught my eye,
your lipstick a seductive shade of ruby
so beautiful it made me wanna cry.
But I could feel it under your skin,
on a whole different level I loved you.
Not just physically,
but for the person within.
It was something new
and I could only hope that you had the feeling too.

You know,
It's funny I rarely catch your name,
or that we may not even speak a word,
but we are joined together for a split-second,
a locking of eyes
in a world that is more a theater of the absurd.