surely your odds are better
they run in circles with no clue
no sweet, sweet nectar
now angry , now *******
shaking and getting angry

personal problems
can be put on hold
a night of indiscretions
your complete folly
somehow makes you feel bold

when you lose everything
you'll think:
well, it wasn't my fault
I was angry

I only did to the world
what it did to me

they shut themselves down
you want to help
you want to save

but sorry hero
the door is closed

so you laughed out loud
at a joke that wasn't funny
they caught you laughing
when you were really planning

you're the broken clay
inside a  memory
which forms an idea
of whoever you're supposed to be

do you have an identity?
are you just a shell
broken
the Enemy


do you only exist in your own memory?

"an unshakable belief characterized by consistently inflated feelings of personal ability, privilege, or infallibility" (Wikipedia)  

I was told earlier that was me today
I actually never thought of it that way

My brother also yelled at me
asked me who I thought I was.
"who do you think you are,  ******* Tony Soprano? " 

but no, I'm not God.
I'm not Tony Soprano.  
There is not a name I know for what I've become.

I'm just not afraid.  
Not of you.
Not of anyone
Not anymore.

he sits alone
he rests alone

asleep alone
awake alone

dancing to tunes
with a fiddle only he can play

he plays all the hits
just like a game

your move, world
I'm still here

a color beautiful
a color that cares
it hugs your waist
it makes your  imagination stare

and now you dance
to some tune you only heard by accident
you learn by forgetting
never forget that

the brain is an amazing machine
its the General ordering dancing
the master behind the scenes
pulling all the puppet strings

so dance and smile
it's only a short mile
or maybe 10,000

you won't know until you get there

so you worked hard previously
great
you were under-appreciated
by friends, family, coworkers
great

do you languish under any false impressions?  
does a weapon of some variety come into mind daily?
are you broken on the inside?
do you wish you still had faith in humanity?

well,
i'd lose all that and smile more

will you do whatever I say?
are you willing to sleep with me if I let you play?  
how desperate are you to be a *****?

Great!

when you find yourself low
when you're barely able to push that motion
the simple stretching of your arms
the gentle flow
of your wrists and hands
the simple movement of knees

still you barely rise

it's harder when this lives inside
that your body is fine
but your soul can barely stand
some pressure
somehow something to prove
a mouth full of broken teeth
not a single visible bruise

rising from the ashes
of the fire you created
the never-ending Phoenix
rising above it all

knowing the end won't matter
once it is finally the end

keep moving that body
your mind doesn't do as much as would it believe
the things hidden behind the curtain
the actual muscles who are strong and free

when your brain is the captive
in a jail it cannot see
use some animal assistance
evolution has made it all for free

trickery is rebellion
rebellion requires trickery

i am not innocent
you are not innocent
no one is innocent

how far could you go?
no more empty threats
just a question to think about
at night

when alone with your thoughts

have you nothing?
are you nothing?
are you sickened ?
are you sick and scared?

la
lalalalala
lala

wake up!
feel this!
you fool !
you sad idiot!
wake up!
feel this!

la
lalalalala
lala

you are smiling
laughing
feeling
can't you see
anything?
anything at all?

la
lalalalala
lalala

ah
it all washes away
no worries
just kick'em up

relax

easy as a summer's breeze
beautiful like an autumn's eve

every
particle of dirt
must be destroyed

there is a battleship
in the spaceship
of your heart

it will destroy
even the dust who
dares stray to your parts

there lives a rattlesnake
he is cunning
his tail is wagging

evolution has made him
your enemy
watch out for the bite

i sit alone
headphones on
mind my own
laptop in lap
blinders on

still too loud for you?

I wash dishes
take out the trash
don't bother you with my interests
though you're quick to
come to me with yours

still too loud for you ?

maybe you just hate me
maybe there is no way to win
maybe you can **** caring

maybe

even I don't care
the girl who loves me
she sits in the next room
I don't want to talk to her

I'm bleeding from my mouth
I have to hide the blood
Surprisingly easier than one might imagine
Deception is always hiding blood

but even I don't care
my muscles hurt for no reason
I wake up anyway though
it has to be done so I do it

even I don't care
I named a knife yesterday
even I don't care
she is just my knife now

Bella
I thought that was a pretty name
after a pretty villain
Bellatrix

why would anyone care about my problems?

I possess them
they are mine
they are like children
they are just a delay

I should not burden
anyone else
with the **** that flows
down my leg

a win
a goal
a touchdown

a home run
a knock out punch
a celebrity lunch

talks of the current
threats of the future
a near miss by our all-star

yet, we stand alone
broken
with so few things to cling upon

my body, my hands, my eyes
all copied from someone I don't like

DNA only won
in making me prettier than my dad
thanks to my mom

like some bugg-faced nightmare
this dumpster fire of some thing
exiled

no one thought to even ask
the answer should be poetic
but the truth

is no one cared

have i been distracted this long?  
soon the sun will come up
then its tie and suit time

i hate tie and suit time
goodnight sweet princes of the internet world

i'm sore but ready
just another day

as my body gets harder
my suit fits better

with every fighting motion
i lose less and less

with each passing laughable win
i become less afraid

as i wait for the inevitable
i'm blowing bubbles

I tried new things
I read new books
I went to a different place
I came back the same person

I am not fictional
I am not real

i'm your huckleberry
yes, I'm coughing blood
the glass is broken
death is smiling while kissing my tongue

i'm your huckleberry
the white devil on the black horse
play a game with me
and you can fall as well

barely a problem
worth a listen to tell
we can laugh together
in a bar in hell

i'm your huckleberry
this time drinks are on me
i'm not angry at you
in eternity we'll have time to see

we were always friends
who only had fun being enemies

this time you can trust me

I'm your huckleberry

it occurs to me
while heating up my Campbell soup
trying to think of buzz words
for a resume

that someone
somewhere
holds my choke chain

its not the illusion that bothers me
as much as it is
my forced and terribly willingly
complicity

here
on the edge of sea
there lives a dragonfly

steel boots
can kick in doors
the dragon just flies

here
at the edge of time
we drown in our sweat

well, he
he just flies away
finds a butterfly

finds a way to bite

boom!

ideas flow off my head
like a light being lit
I say what needs to be said
I'm tired of the fake ****

we're all dying
waiting for the end
if we are to start living
we must begin

but it was necessary
tired and banal
but necessary

washing dishes
telling the hoods across the street
they can't smoke by my mailbox

isn't it all so tiring?
but as I wait for tomorrow
while the dryer finishes

I feel nothing
it just is it is what it is
I do it and then its done

life should be more beautiful
more magical
than this

walk, walk, walk
you wake up
walk, walk, walk
you wake up

now laundry
now drying

walk, walk, walk
straighten your left arm
walk, walk, walk
stretch those muscles

make them pay you
for being born with you
no worries
they'll get stronger

you might need them for something more serious

i'm told i'm useful
i'm told i'm meaningful
i get up
i smile
i'm friendly

but then the night settles
and there is a sickness
that pours into my stomach
my hands shake

its believed that nice clothes
smelling nice
somehow makes you nice  

if you're reading this then you probably know
hell is insidious
we're all strangers here

maybe hiding in a bush
maybe in another's hand
there is no answer
until you feel what's left inside
in your hand

do you want to see though ?
if what you have protected
loved
kissed
is where you left it?

dance until your brain is butter
pick up trash
wash the counter
finish the dishes
shave that growing beard

carry heavy things
your body knows
all bruises heal
just not at will

inspired by out-dated dreams
lost over half-polished fancy things
collected
owned
sitting now in someone else's home

in a vault
somewhere in some cave
it was too dark
you lost your way

now broken somehow
dying, a plastic man waits
mounting bills to pay
people to ignore
people who simply don't go away
lie in bed and wonder

where do you move when where you're moving from is yourself

half here
half awake
the scarlet in the sea
touches wet far away

so the day begins
stop to catch
that branch through the wind

half stupid
half scared
still you can feel your magic hands
working the silly air

somehow you're winning
waving that wand that isn't there

walk across the garden of deception
be afraid of the roses
they have a magic
but it's not meant for you

when I saw it
I didn't scream
I just looked
but didn't look away

one more dead eyed
one more broken
one more
held in a dark place

a fist
that protects my heart
a dark hand
than can hold everything

are you
an animal
a beast? ?

are you
nothing
but a shell?

does it hurt?
when that dagger comes in
when the truth stabs you

or do you smile?
does being alone
make you whole somehow?

I could be your reflective surface
reflecting over everything
all you'll see is what you want
that touches and plays with how you think

My eyes should tell you
how much anyone
...cares
about what you think

but that is not what you want to see
thus no bother to me
so please
continue...

without fear we have nothing

if every color
could be explained
by an action

if every action
was determined by a letter
could we...

perhaps get a color to be better
when we spelled
something completely profane

the circle of four
colors swim together
but offer no wisdom
rotate around your broken heart
you remain nothing
a blank rock in an empty solar system

It's her birthday today
I haven't seen her for a decade
except when she invades my dreams
and tells me all the things
she and I will never be

So happy birthday
nearly exactly a year older than me
as the 6th closes in
August you liar
the situation has long been un-won


no idea where you are
I hope you're smiling
wherever you lie your head
my other lost love was born in November
she was a year younger

but I still remember

i should be
but as the world moves around me
i'm not scared
though i should be

i feel like i fought wars
much worse than the next hour
patience is our friend

quiet

if we're lucky this will all be over
when we didn't have to do a thing

the anger
it lives somewhere dark
it only comes out
when it is pushed

so the dance has come to rest
your world locked inside some chest
the key is hidden
as always

in the place where you hide all things

the tomb of being you
the nails you bought
the coffin you're constructing
just so your own body can fit

how does the story end?
you wait
half-smiling

inexplicably and without method

i can hear the footsteps
i lay quiet
sometimes pretending sleep
i'm not scared anymore
i just don't want to hear your voice

and so it hurts
and so you sleep
waking up
to some other dream

wondering what the darkness
might have dreamed
in a pleasant fantasy

might as well keep fighting
until i fade away or die trying
bleed out
**** it

this is no poetry
this is real life
this is anger
this is sweat

it helps i don't care who loses or wins

is it all ready in me?
i'm trying to feel it
there is a void
its dark but not scary

its relief with  no other feeling
where is my soul?
did i lose it along the way somewhere?

like a lost key
like a lost id
its just not in my pocket anymore

when the anger is flowing
and the diamonds are falling
the cake is burning
the words are  leaking

the smile is falling
the lips still move upward
no more hate
just looking a the time

just waiting

just waiting