have i been distracted this long?  
soon the sun will come up
then its tie and suit time

i hate tie and suit time
goodnight sweet princes of the internet world

i'm sore but ready
just another day

i should be
but as the world moves around me
i'm not scared
though i should be

i feel like i fought wars
much worse than the next hour
patience is our friend

quiet

if we're lucky this will all be over
when we didn't have to do a thing

trickery is rebellion
rebellion requires trickery

i am not innocent
you are not innocent
no one is innocent

how far could you go?
no more empty threats
just a question to think about
at night

when alone with your thoughts

is it all ready in me?
i'm trying to feel it
there is a void
its dark but not scary

its relief with  no other feeling
where is my soul?
did i lose it along the way somewhere?

like a lost key
like a lost id
its just not in my pocket anymore

there is real hate in my heart
it lies there and laughs
no swear words will expel it
its just laughing at me

she bears unimaginable burdens
but i've seen her free
i've seen her smile
the things that lie behind the tears and sadness
is still something quite beautiful

keep fighting darling
we only lose when we quit

the anger
it lives somewhere dark
it only comes out
when it is pushed

i'm a skinny person
that **** works you out
every muscle is screaming at me but its still fun as hell

i'm going to be a better dancer soon
i can tell you that much

i can hear the footsteps
i lay quiet
sometimes pretending sleep
i'm not scared anymore
i just don't want to hear your voice

as i fall
i won't you to know i can smell you

and yes
I'm scared
but more of whats coming out your mouth
than anything out there

you read these poems?
yes an expression
pain, loss
we all get it

we all loved
we all lost
human misery is nothing new

hate to break it you
but humanity is an evil, disgusting race
we're the worst thing
but that's who we are  

we have to go forward
we didn't just win the war for our kind's fate
we ****** in all of creation's mouth while we did it
God help all of us if there is a God.

No more whining.
We're the bad guy's children
people cheat, women & men lie
that's how we won this ****** up planet

don't cry about who you are
none of this is our fault
we were born into an evil ****** up place
but we still have to live

so live
the best you can
and lets just hope
all will be well

doesn't that question scare you?
i think about it at night sometimes

when the moment comes
could you do it?

what are you capable of?

i won
plans executed perfectly
and i saved people
i did it
i saved people important to me
with deviousness and trickery

when they say you've done something right
no one will ever know you did anything at all

as relief washes over me
a sense of anger does as well
this never should have been my battle
but I won anyway

I'm the winner
why does this victory feel so hollow?

"You're a tongueless talker
You don't care what you say
You're a jaywalker and you just just walk away
And that's all you do

The clap of the fading out sound of your shoes"

- Elliott Smith's words (' Last Call' if you're interested). not my words . just the song in my head right now &how; I feel right now.  RIP Elliott

I have to do stuff today
the kind of boring stuff that makes me sad
at least I'm not completely dead inside
otherwise, why would i even care?

with each new plan everything falls to bits
with each new sadness more get hurt
with each new terror i have to get more ruthless

this isn't me
I'm not asking to be saved
I'm not sorry
I'm not  me. I got lost somewhere along the way

what I've become though
with all of it
no one should know my name
since I don't even know it anymore

but it was necessary
tired and banal
but necessary

washing dishes
telling the hoods across the street
they can't smoke by my mailbox

isn't it all so tiring?
but as I wait for tomorrow
while the dryer finishes

I feel nothing
it just is it is what it is
I do it and then its done

life should be more beautiful
more magical
than this

they shut themselves down
you want to help
you want to save

but sorry hero
the door is closed

this name is the name of a childhood hero
my avatar is also just of a childhood hero
I am officially not named
I am no one
and it feels great

it just somehow feels right
no other explanation
it just feels right
right now

even I don't care
the girl who loves me
she sits in the next room
I don't want to talk to her

I'm bleeding from my mouth
I have to hide the blood
Surprisingly easier than one might imagine
Deception is always hiding blood

but even I don't care
my muscles hurt for no reason
I wake up anyway though
it has to be done so I do it

even I don't care
I named a knife yesterday
even I don't care
she is just my knife now

Bella
I thought that was a pretty name
after a pretty villain
Bellatrix

misplaced anger is a real *****
I was really scared for a few
but the rage doesn't extend to me
God help the ******* it does though

someone is going wake up
watching a life channel version of his ******
with bad reenactment characters
playing up a dialed up version of the truth

I'm sure as hell I'm glad its not me
on this unhinged ******'s warpath

his pain and his childhood
boo hoo
sadder stories are on CNN everyday

so he has power
now he wants to make the world suffer
boo hoo

he could have used his great power
to help
but instead he cried in his cup of tears

he who must not be named
ok. I'll just call him coward
cry baby, ******, *****

he who could not be named
used his power to save no one
not even himself in the end

goodbye tom riddle
you did nothing good when you could
you will not be missed

run my friends, run
I think I heard a noise
something I didn't understand
run, hide, commiserate on the unfairness of life

scream, tear, puncture all supposed enemies
yell, scratch . make your presence known.
but don't let them see
the fear in your eyes

finished a talking job
only had to lie a little
happy with results

no rainbows
no flowers
no parade

its just simply done

i'm told i'm useful
i'm told i'm meaningful
i get up
i smile
i'm friendly

but then the night settles
and there is a sickness
that pours into my stomach
my hands shake

its believed that nice clothes
smelling nice
somehow makes you nice  

if you're reading this then you probably know
hell is insidious
we're all strangers here

"an unshakable belief characterized by consistently inflated feelings of personal ability, privilege, or infallibility" (Wikipedia)  

I was told earlier that was me today
I actually never thought of it that way

My brother also yelled at me
asked me who I thought I was.
"who do you think you are,  ******* Tony Soprano? " 

but no, I'm not God.
I'm not Tony Soprano.  
There is not a name I know for what I've become.

I'm just not afraid.  
Not of you.
Not of anyone
Not anymore.

so you woke up
and the news
some terrible tragedy
somewhere

the coffee is hot
the workers outside are being loud with buzzsaws
the walk to the grocery is a pain
i mean its like a mile walk

but home again
turn on the computer
more death somewhere
something awful happened to someone you don't know  

some celebrity did something
some new construction thing
the neighbor's dog is annoying
the ebay order is late again

then you see a mirror
and there is just really nothing  looking back at you

like some bugg-faced nightmare
this dumpster fire of some thing
exiled

no one thought to even ask
the answer should be poetic
but the truth

is no one cared

this thing is heavy
sighing doesn't help the miles

the horizon across is beautiful
but I can't tell how far away

time to think with this burden
what I have to believe

do I believe anything?  

this blanket is heavy

when I saw it
I didn't scream
I just looked
but didn't look away

one more dead eyed
one more broken
one more
held in a dark place

a fist
that protects my heart
a dark hand
than can hold everything

I hate weddings
I hate funerals
I hate mirrors
and I probably hate you

I love a dark hotel room at 9am
I love to hear the fighting, the *******,
I love the smell of old terrible sweat
I love the strange stains no one in their right mind would touch

I hate sunny days and fast cars
I hate pastel clothes and sunglasses
I hate any store signage that tells me I'm of value

I love my Ipod
that beautiful world it can bring
just noise in your head
I love ***** when I wake up
that beautiful world it can bring
less noise in your head

and then you're finally ready
to do whatever ******* you have to do  
when you're finally ready
I love the world

I tried new things
I read new books
I went to a different place
I came back the same person

I am not fictional
I am not real

so your feelings were hurt
you cried like you always do
one more night of sadness
one more night I just had to walk away

it occurred as I found myself
putting on my coat I want a drink
I crossed a busy street
hurrying to avoid traffic

a police officer drove by and warned me
no jaywalking.
I thought of you
I told the officer it was way too late for that.

this arm goes here
this one goes there
this door opens

this shirt is mine
this sidewalk will take me
this place is where I'll stop

this foot goes here
this foot goes there
this is what I'm supposed to do

this is not fear
this is not sadness
this is just this

the bottles are there
I clear them when I have time
but I don't know the color

it is three more blocks
plus the thirteen in my brain
I wait for a train

electric tracks quiet nice
all day long they will take home
strangers to places they never meant to go