I remember when my interest in you
Floated around in me.
Somewhere between my heart and my head
Never quite settling down.
I remember observing conversations wherein
You and another were one.
Something inside of me began to ring softly
Never quite letting go.
I remember my previous self, the one who was too
Scared to even say hello.
Somehow I found my voice and it
Never quite gave out.
I remember the minutes, the hours, the days,
The weeks, those few months.
Someone ought to have warned me that it's
Never quite perfect.
I remember it all, and it's time for me to explain
What it really feels like.
Sometimes you need to say more
This is the story of how I remember it.
We began talking. Initially there were jokes aplenty.
More the 'We're not friends so let's keep our distance' sort of thing
Which I expected, or at least I saw no reason why it would be any different.
Friendly banter, subtle euphemisms, the typical winding up charade
(It was typically me who was wound up, it was so easily done!)
I cannot speak for the other side but I would laugh, and I would smile.
Somehow we got to talking close to almost every day, and I was happy
As I genuinely felt as though I was building a friendship with someone worthwhile.
Not your empty, exchanging of generic phrases, out of necessity friendship.
I could list the things we'd talk about but it only really matters to me.
Besides, I don't think I could possibly fit it all in to a space that anybody
Would dare read. I think it would suffice if I were to say the following:
We talked about all sorts of things. Some things trivial, others anything but.
I would eventually open up, discuss hopes, wishes, dreams, fears, troubles.
I never once felt judged or inadequate. We simply became close.
All the while I still found myself yearning for something more, though I was
Never certain what the reason for this was, nor did I understand it well enough
To realise that it had been in-front of me for what may as well have been forever.
I would sit by the sidelines and watch as they were with another, though
It was odd. I wasn't raging with jealousy inside as you would expect. Instead
I was glad. Someone I cared for deeply seemed to have someone.
I would never pry, as I never do with anyone that I have been friends with.
It saddened me a little to hear of what happened, though again I was glad.
I felt a little cruel but I think I was glad as I felt they deserved better.
Now for the moment when I must insert some rambling, rather than some
Meaningful line of words. This signifies the confusion, the fun, the secrecy,
The excitement, the anticipation, the release, the feeling of letting go.
I value those close to me higher now than I have ever done, especially him.
I feel it may seem I give the wrong impression, I believe we are close friends.
It's difficult, I admit, to keep myself from exposing what I feel lies underneath.
I know something, though, and that is what keeps me here. It is quite peculiar.
If you were to ask me what I would want in regards to them my answer would simply be:
I hope that they find happiness and receive the love and the life they both wish for and deserve.
Is that what friendship is about, is that what it means to love someone dearly?
I know the score, yet I feel the same way regardless. It changes little.
To know them is a pleasure and I simply wish for it continue for as long as I live.
That is all.