She said to me,
Said to me nothing.
He said,
He said to me nothing.
She said with a wanting smile.
He said with a needing.
I said with a wanting.
I needed a kiss.
I needed something.

I told my father I was gay.
I wanted him to hate me.
I wanted him to show emotion.

I got his indifference .
I got him.
I was given the man who did not care.
I wanted him to hate me.
I wanted him to hit me.
I want him to say in plain words
Don't get that ****** disease.
Not just be careful.

I miss when I was young and you were my father.
I wish I knew when you lost that connection.
When you became afraid to show me,

When you couldn't say you loved me.

I wish I could tell you I love.

Wish that it would open you.

I know you hurt dad,

I hurt too.

It's hours after I should have been asleep.
It's hours before I should have been awake.
I know I speak of pain.
I know I speak of hurt.
But, god, I wish it to change.
This is not life.
This is not me.
I forget the hours of bliss.
Focus on the seconds of misery.
Please remember that this is only fleeting.
Please remember that you will smile.
Please remember that this will one day be
A memory.

I once wrote a story.
Oh my the scandal.
Oh the intrigue.
But hush now.
Lest the plot give way,
The hero give away his sin.
The devil hold the hand of god,
With a whispered breathe proclaim love.
With a tear all that is good cries need.
And so the antithesis  begot evil.
Till the blow that must be dealt was dealt.
Till death.
Till the admittance.
I cannot be without you.
All that is you,
All that I am not.

The sun set quietly over a world too busy to notice.
Without a glance to the celestial body disappearing from our collective worlds,
The billion of pseudo-suns light up our individual planets.
But I notice.
Not the setting sun,
But the stark realization of my own indifference.
I notice.
Notice the emptiness I feel.
There is no exclusion.
And this is a drug to me.
I inhale emptiness.
Bitter hollowness.
The pit in my chest.
I crave it.
When it is gone I long for it.

We have heard it said that drugs dull us to the world, that we use them as an escape from all that surrounds us.
Yet, memories?
Which can I remember most?
The smoke, that filled my lungs, opened my eyes.
So vivid a summer, every color sharpened to a hook.
Reeling in a childhood memory.
Every worry dissipated,
These brief instances where time no longer ticked away,
But,
Beat with my heart.
No longer was I confused with notions of my own death.
Smiles never faded, only slept.
You can say I have lived in a fog.
I agree.
I desired life.
I desired fog.
I desired misery to wander.
For sorrow to be lost.

This is me.
Why am I ashamed of it?
This is me.
Why do I fear it?
This is me.
Why should I hide it?
But, this is me, I will no longer be ashamed.
No longer be afraid,
Nor, hide it.
I have always been this way.
I have always coward.
I have always been afraid.
But,
Not today,
With the courage of a drunken fool,
I admit heavenly sin.
Admit to a midnight weakness.
Then, with a new days light,
I bury this
And I am afraid,
Ashamed.