you are somewhat of a ******* and how disgustingly i adore it. pathetic.

you are a moment too big for me. i’m caught up in insignificance but not because i deem myself unworthy of your touch, i just think you’re phenomenal. an angel in disguise. you live in a moment of ecstasy, and before i can even blink with my own eyes, you are gone in a cloud of smoke. you take my breath away like it belongs to you.

i always end up in a big pile of word ***** when it comes to you, words flow out of me like i had acid in my stomach and it’s purging into the oblivion. as it calms down, i’m now just sprawled on the floor, it’s freezing and my bones hurt.

so please deal with me while i talk about the universe and about a love that i may never have.

you never loved me but i keep on loving you until my bones begin to ache with the apprehension and i keep on worshipping until i believe there is no other god. i know deep down, i'd put a bullet through my brain if you ever rejected me. or maybe i'd put one in yours. and deep deep down, i want to slit the world in half and make you choke on its blood because i'm choking on all this infatuation i have for you. i adore you, and the thought of you not ever wanting me is eating me alive like maggots eating a decaying corpse. i wish i could tell you how much you're ruining such a vile and rotten young girl with just one look. lick the venom off your gums, baby and get faded off my blood.

counting the squares on bathroom walls as i sat in the bathtub with my clothes still on. this seemed like a daily routine. get drunk, cry, get in the bathtub, cry some more.

i never thought i'd end up here. wishing i was dead because of a man that had fire for hands and a blade for a tongue. i thought i could fix him, but while i was putting his pieces back together, he was picking apart mine.

the steam from the water is filling the room and i let out a dry cough, throwing my head back as my eyeliner and mascara run down my cheeks and my hair is soaked, the dye bleeding on my skin.

do you like it when i hurt, mi amour? do you like it when i cry these pretty little tears for you? you always said i looked pretty when i cried. so right now, i must be drop dead gorgeous.

hugging my knees, shaking and trembling as my grandmother knocks on the door and screams i'm taking too long but i can't mutter a sound so i stay silent

the door opens and the mess you made is revealed. my lipstick is smeared on my face and i look like a wreck, grandmother screamed at me to get out of the bath and turn off the shower. i look like a mess. at least i can reflect what's on the inside, nana.

my hands are shaking as they reach and turn off the water, but i'm still sitting there. grandmother throws me a towel and says she'll get me some fresh new clothes.

i'm sobbing again. how pathetic. all i do is cry, but you're not any better because all you ever ******* do is lie. what have you lied about these past few weeks? did you tell another girl you loved her so you can get her body into bed? did you leave her bare and exposed in a hotel room and made her have to call her mama at 4am? oh wait— too specific?

grandmother helps me out of the bath and wipes off my makeup with a wet cloth, she's telling me whoever made me feel this way is tan jodidamente estúpido!

i agree, nana. he is. he's on a whole other planet and he needs to come back down to earth.

in fresh new clothes, i lay in my bed and my sister asks me what's wrong. i can't tell her that it's him again, i told her that for the past three weeks.

i run away when i don't know what to do, so i grabbed my bag and left to a motel room. sitting on a ***** mattress, i throw my head back and it takes me back to the times where my head would fall onto the pillow from the amount of euphoria and ecstasy you made me feel when your head was between my thighs

i gag. i cry. i cough. i laugh.

at least one of us still has a heart.

his lips tasted like coffee beans and tobacco, i don't know if i like the taste but if it's his, then i'll love it for days on end. kissing him is like drinking coffee, i love both.

we would run down the halls playing tag in the first hotel i got before they turned to motels. little did i know the game of tag, we've always played. i was always it, and i was always trying to catch him.

the only difference was, during the game while running around down halls, he was chasing me. and i loved how he was so desperate to get his hands on me as if i was prey and he was the predator wanting his food. he wanted me relentlessly and violently.

then he would peck my lips and run before i could catch him, and it would repeat. if only i knew that this would turn into a vicious cycle of kissing each other's lips and then running for the other to catch us. we loved the chase, but hated being caught.

he lived for rock n' roll, and ****, he was the human embodiment of a rockstar. the voice, the hair, the makeup. everything.

he told me that when he makes it big, he'd come back for me and he'd give me everything i ever dreamed of and i just had to say the words.

but let me tell you something about myself
i could never take what is given to me
yet i give and give and people just take
i could never understand how they can take
what's given them so effortlessly without feeling guilty

when he did his first sold out show, i was the first one he called to scream and exclaim about the exciting news.

“we're finally making it, baby!”

but let me tell you something about him
he was the one to always get lost in his head
almost as if he was stuck in his brain
and he only truly cared about himself and what he can easily gain

so it was no surprise that he started to distance himself from the girl he said he would marry when he got more fame and started making a fan base

i spent my nights on ***** bathroom floors behind a door, while he spent his nights on a stage or with a ******* his lap exchanging oxygen

i would pray he'd see my broken heart and would give me another night or give me another chance

but right now he doesn't even give me a second glance.

am i all that you ever wanted? or has it been so long that you’ve forgotten? it seems i’m talking to an automatic voice message and listening to these dial tones while i pray for you to pick up the phone, but you’re too busy filling your lungs with nicotine while a girl gives you head

you’re so pathetic, preying on innocent girls like it’s a bloodsport. you have skeletons in your closet, but you swear they don’t belong to you.

you hide your feelings like a corpse you want to get rid of, but baby, the stain remains.

talk to me nice, darling. say those sweet words and i’ll swoon and get into your bed again, before you leave me bare in a hotel room and i have to call my mom again at 4am

endless vicious cycles of lust and hopeless wishes, i learned to accept the fact that you will never ******* change no matter how many times you say you will

and oh, how the tables have turned

you’re the one listening to those **** dial tones now.

i always end up being amused when people compare themselves to the darkest night and the blinding white like the marble tabletops and the ******* you snort.

i’m more of a mediocre mustard yellow and royal blue, maroon and grey. i can’t live life in extremes even if i ******* tried. i’ve learned that.

so i brew me up some hot nostalgia and let it sink into my pores, and let it create tension in my heartstrings but just not strong enough to rip them apart. it’s almost ****** up if i say it like that. i’m in a constant state of being ripped apart but not quite, i’m always half way there. i’m not worth anything to the point where the people who want to break me, can’t even do it fully.

i’m an almost human, an almost adult, almost desirable, and almost dead.
i’m drowning in the almosts, and it’s snuffing out my spark. it’s almost pathetic. i’m just fixating on everyone that neglected me.

and i’m rambling, i like rambling
i also like christian anthony
but i can’t do him.
at this point
how do you free yourself from the almosts?
or do you let them soak through your decaying skin? tell me.

choke down the cherry cola cough drops into your throat with diluted acid from the saturn’s rings she adorned you with. they told her she had venus’ kiss in her irises, and you have the cosmos running through your moon dust veins.

let the calories in the stardust graze your melted coarse organs as you choke on your fester words.

she spun you into the withering web of burning rose petals and expired prescriptions.

oh god, how you thought you were the hurricane but look at how she made your insides into a liquid mess and fed them to your demons.

i really am struggling with my writing and inspiration. please give me ideas of what to write about. it can be anything.

my love, how long have you made me
taste the bittersweet darkness that i can no longer
fathom the light?

my heart pumps red wine
and you're getting intoxicated and drunk off my love
with that white dust sprinkled on your nose

"all of the gods have to taste the
galaxy too, my sweet persephone.
have a taste."

i ask myself how many times
i've whispered and moaned your name
in the past hour, and how many times
i've begged you not to leave me empty
and hollow again.

give me something to hold on to
stuff me with the bittersweet tragedies of your
sins and leave me to fend for myself while i
deal with your broken baggage

you're painting constellations
between my ******* with acrylic paints
as if it's your canvas and something to please
your ****** fantasies.

shoving cherries into your mouth
so you can taste me without touching my anatomy
with your devilish hands

you're overdosing on the galaxy
and night terrors from the girls
you've ripped the soul out of

and i'm afraid
i'm next.

mayhem is born when
you speak in phrases of the
seven deadly sins

oh my killer hades, let me fill you up with the wine from the holy grail!

maybe then you'll finally find religion in my arms
like i do when i'm in bed with you

your serpentine tongue
licks the sun from my ivory skin
singing songs of destruction as
you make my guts spill and dance for you

you play with the strings of my flimsy veins
and throw me around like marionette.
i cannot breathe, you've ****** the air out
of my sweet lungs because you're such a thief

burn me down to the ground, mi amor
play with my ashes and sprinkle them on every
single one of your celestial beings' graves.

i can’t pretend to not be utterly destroyed and enchanted at the same time by you. my chest physically aches and is sore whenever i get the urge to hold you close and you’re not here. it’s humorous. because i can’t imagine myself with anyone else, and i don’t want to be with anyone else, but you can make a list of the girls you’d give your heart to. none of them are me.

i could write a thousand poems about how your eyes look like galaxies and i’m simply born a stargazer or how your smile makes my tongue taste stardust

but instead

i’ll paint a picture of how you turn a hurricane mess like myself into something so sweet. a beautiful rainbow. and i’ll paint a picture of how you make my hands tremble and how you make a lump in my throat every time you speak.

red laced button up shirts and long shoulder length golden honey hair
he was carefully handcrafted, and i knew god took his time on this sunkissed angel. i just hope he had me in mind when he made the sun angel’s soulmate.

sun baby can play the harp with my ribcage and it’ll still sound heavenly because anything he touches will never turn to stone; they’ll simply be crystalline.

i wish to be as enchanting as my sun angel, but he doesn’t have any beauty to spare, he’s very greedy. he likes to absorb all the light from the sun, and keep it for himself. baby, i may like the dark but i like you even more.

i feel like i have summer’s guilt chilling my bones, and i can see him in the rear view mirror with his brightly beaming aura

so hold your breath, we’ll be just fine.

the smoke started to follow you
and this was expected
because smoke does follow beauty
and you're constantly surrounded by it
with the lit end of your cigarette

the slender cigarette is resting between your ******* and you inhale the nicotine that is living in your lungs
sometimes i want to rip it out of your mouth and squish it with my the tip of my boot
but instead, i stay put because only you can make death look so marvelous.

you have moon dust in your veins
and i want to taste the cosmos!

take my body away
toss it onto the pile
of all your rag dolls
and mistakes.
i'm just a vhs tape waiting
to finally be used and wanted.

you are a human blood bath
filled with destruction and wars
you taste like redemption
and i'm wondering if all the dying gods
taste the way you do.

OH MY KILLER HADES
KISS ME UNTIL MY LIPS ARE BLUE
AND I START SEEING THE GALAXY NOT ONLY IN YOUR EYES BUT AROUND OUR BODIES!

grip my hips and shove our chests together as your ******* runs up and down my spine
my eyes are shimmering with jupiter's kiss, and you can see the planets and stars within them.

there's euphoria running through my crimson veins as you kiss my ivory skin, and i swore i felt my entire soul gravitate towards you as you harshly ripped it out with just one kiss

i'm calling you a melancholic enigma
as you're prying the truth from the gaping
wound in my chest that you ripped my soul out of

my heaving lungs are begging for fresh air
that isn't stolen, but you're such a **** thief,
you gave me your last angel's air and told me to work with it.

you're slitting my wrists and bathing in the crimson blood
as you then push my head after telling me how pretty i look. you're suffocating me with your sins.

OH BABY, TOUCH ME AND MAKE ME FEEL YOUR PAIN! RIP ME APART LIKE IM SOME KIND OF ****** ART AND THROW ME AWAY!

my nails are digging deep into your skin
and i'm arching my back as i'm seeing
nothing but black
you're bathing me in our sins
and i'm drowning in the ocean
that used to be love

then, i heard your voice.
your harsh voice.
you demand
not ask
not whisper
you demand.

"SCREAM MY NAME, MY LOVE."

OH HONEY,
IM SCREAMING RUINATION.

i learned that love bites
don’t always mean
‘i love you.’

he was warm and his torso was wrapped with moonlight cologne, sweat & ink. he’s a filthy boy who loves being bruised up by innocent girls who don’t know any better, my hands are on his chest and my lips are touching his neck.

2. he was older. wiser. he made me forget who i was and i no longer knew myself because of him. but i loved him. so i got used to it.

3. i guess you can say he taught me how to make all of the pretty boys cry in euphoria and cry tears of neediness.

4. he had fingers that felt like acid, but also felt like a god putting me back together again after breaking me. his words cut me like a blade, but he kissed my wounds.

5. he didn’t love me, but i loved him. he claimed to, but i knew better. he was older. wiser. rougher. i was too soft for this man, but i got used to it.

you are an angel with the white, pink lips bathing in asphalt and blackened undertones of aching broken hearts. you’ll search and search for salvation, only to come back with empty hands and burns on your fingertips.

2. he’s a demon in the night who bathes in moonlight and innocent girls’ sins. he doesn’t keep love around, only for a good one night stand. he’ll search and search for lust, only to come back with his hands full and heart shaped bruises on his neck

3. you think he’ll change for you, but his tongue is sharpened at the tip and it will cut your lips when he kisses you.

4. you’ll try to force your bleeding heart into his palms and tell him to take it and be gentle, knowing he’s going to crush it. “shh, sweetheart. it’s okay. i won’t break it.” but he does so anyway.

5. sitting underneath the stars at midnight watching the night go by as he gets into another girl’s car. leaving you empty and hollow.

i’m now breathing the air that you stole
and it fills and spills into my heaving lungs

baby, why does your love hurt so bad?
you said everything that’s beautiful comes with pain, and darling, you’re a true masterpiece. i should’ve known.

i’m swallowing the lump in my throat
while you’re swallowing pills one by one

we’re not the same anymore, my love
you’re far too broken
and i am healed.

you told me you had it under control as we’re in the car driving down a dark road, my body tenses and i nod my head.

you always have things under control, don’t you? at least, you always claim to.

but do you remember the times where you almost bust your head on the kitchen’s counter every time you get drunk because you needed to feel something else running in your veins instead of the pain of your trauma?

or how about the times where you flicked the ashes on my skin and put out the cigarette on my hand because you wanted someone else to feel your pain.

you said love meant feeling each other’s pain and i believed you. i took all your pain and carried it on my back so you didn’t have to.

it was a piggy back ride i never fully consented to, but i still went along with it because i loved you and told you there was nothing i wouldn’t do to see a smile on your face.

but the baggage got harder to carry whenever you were adding on to mine and yours at the same time.

sometimes i can still feel my spine ache when i think about it
and sometimes i can still feel that **** cigarette.

the woman lays her halo on the pillow that used to be mine.

she sips my red wine and gets drunk off his fermented words, her long legs are wrapped around his body as she lets out a laugh

she knows what she’s doing
so now this drink is too hard to swallow

does she ******* margarita tongue when kisses him?
i really hope she does.

my mother always warned me about drugs.

she always warned me what they could do and how they possibly could end your life

but mama never warned me about the one that had dark brown eyes and a heartbeat.

he smelt like cologne and regret
but tasted like cherries and cream
every time we kissed, i had a new memory

our first kiss.
eager lips and touching before he got me into bed, and took what was mine. i woke up with aching between my thighs as he told me he loved me while i laid there wrapped in silk.

our third kiss.
it was in a tour bus. everyone was loud, but i could still hear my heartbeat. his breath was shaky and i felt it on my lips before he pressed his on them. his brothers and friends cheered us on.

our eighth kiss.
this is where things got tricky. we didn’t kiss to love anymore, we kissed for lust. he stopped kissing me as an act of care and affection, but started as a way to make me beg for his touch. he knew how to get me eager and ready for him, and he took advantage.

our last kiss.
it was rainy, and i was sobbing as he screamed things that were aching my heart. he was walking out the door when i grabbed him and gave him a final kiss. that’s when i tasted the cigarette ash and liquor. something that tasted bitter.

he no longer tastes
like cherries and cream.

the devil with jet black hair and ink covering his arms and chest, i can still taste his serpent tongue like blood and cigarettes ash on the lips of any lover, and i cry tears of shame and regret.

dear lord, people tell me they want to hold
my body and protect me from him
but i don’t want them to hold me because their touch burns like acid

i heard he’s been on a liquor and pill diet
my lover always liked the pain
that’s why they called him the ******* after all.

she was listening to the songs he put on the playlist he made for her at 4:23am in an oversized *** pistols shirt, barefoot in the kitchen with tears streaming down her cheeks as her hips swayed, a white mug in between her palms as the dark black coffee fills the emptiness he left inside of her, and the clouds of light grey smoke fill the air and replaces the aching silence in her head.

cigarettes and black coffee as food for the ones hungry for love.

and i’m still waking every morning, but it’s not with you anymore.

i’m no longer waking up to smudged eyeliner and mascara, with an arm wrapped around my stomach, tugging my back closer to a chest as i hear steady breathing

it sounds calming when you say it like that
but if people only knew what happened an hour prior, they’d be calling it chaos and no longer ‘relationship goals’

relationship goals.
that’s what people called us.
but i don’t think endless fighting and make up *** could ever be relationship goals.

we showed everyone what we wanted them
to see, but behind closed doors
we were falling apart

i’m no longer going to sleep every night with ace bandages wrapped around my wrist and your warm breath going down my neck as you tell me it’s gonna be okay

i’m going to sleep with my cats and telling my nana that i’ll see her in the morning because i know for sure i will

i’m waking up with a smile on my face with my own embrace
i’m no longer waking up with heartbreak.

i always wake up and write at 4am, and how ironic that i started this at 4:44am.

you always told me that i needed to set a routine, and if i’m being honest with you, my routine had been demolished a long time ago when you decided to come in crashing.

the room is pitch black, but i can still see your face. i can see the galaxy in your eyes and the constellations running down your arms, chest and spine

did it hurt, my love? when the lord casted you out of heaven?

is this why you need to feel like a god? because he never let you be one?

you make my heart ache, and i feel your hands ****** and fussy in my guts that it makes me want to purge out acid. that’s all you’ve been making me want to do lately.

your name is shared with a gun
and i felt your bullet pierce my heart
the last time i said it.

he said her name as if it were a prayer but i don’t think he’s religious. if he believes in anything, he believes in himself. she found salvation in his eyes, and swore he was her savior.

she spoke in tongues when his hand was tucked between her thighs, she tried to not his verses out of context. but ****, it was weighing on her conscience.

there was a warrant for my arrest not too long ago

it was all over the news, and i couldn't help but laugh. why would they put that out? my body standing amongst the blood-stained carpet. they say i'm a murderer.

body found, they found it still in it's clothes in the bathtub but they could still see the mutilation. the place looked horrendous. i knew there was only just a matter of time.

it seemed like those crime series where each episode gets them closer to the killer, but with the way these scenes are being handled, they can't find dna on the body.

they can't find the ****** weapon. all that's there is the trail of blood from the carpet to the bathtub from the victim. out of all places, why did they choose the bathtub? they could've gotten help.

you see, you ask yourself these things because it's ******* logic. i asked myself these things too before my head went under the water.

i don’t know much about love and heartbreak but—

i. i’m in this god forsaken awful party filled with people i’ve never seen before, and i’m trying to find you in the crowd because our hands are no longer clasped tight. my heart is hitting my ribcage harshly over and over again and my chest is locking up. i find you with your arm around her.

ii. i scrub and scrub until my skin is red and stripped of all your bitter truths and acid kisses. citrus and peach are the only things that don’t remind me of you, but now that i’m writing this, i think they do.

iii. i’m sitting on your bed in your *** pistols shirt and you’re playing with my hands. you tell me you love me and that you see a future with me. my eyes light up and i’m daydreaming of a life with you. but then i remembered, it’s 4am and your lips like to lie.

iv. your mama kisses me on the forehead and tells me i’m the daughter she’s always wanted. she also told me that if we don’t get married, she’s gonna have a stern talk with you. did she ever do that?

v.  my hades, i don’t know much about love and heartbreak— but you are always the first thing that comes to my mind when they ask me how i’m doing.

unanswered phone calls at 3 am / shattered broken beer bottles on the wooden floor and broken cigarettes in half filled water glasses  / blackish black mascara running down my foundation stained cheeks / your hand wrapped in ace bandages while your brother fixes the hole in the wall for the third time / inner thigh touching and eager red stained lips / another night of me wishing things were different.

i always told you that if you fell
i would catch you
i swore to myself over and over again
that i would catch you before you hit the ground
but i realize now
you never once said you’d catch me.

your hands on my hips, your fingernails
sinking into my skin making it draw blood
and now the blood runs down my leg and drips onto the cold tile floor

no matter how delicate you are with my body
you always find a way to hurt me.

bruised bandaged knuckles
and a cigarette between lips
it seemed as if i fell in love
with the boy who seemed bad for me

his hair was as black as the blackest ink
just like the ones on his skin
his eyes were as dark as the chocolate i loved devouring in the middle of the night when i needed a midnight snack

he wore leather as dark as his heart
and he smelled of expensive cologne and regret

he tasted like cherries and shame
but i loved the way our tongues danced

for once i want to be the one he chases after
instead being the one who chases him.

i'd rather count the freckles on your back and trace the birthmark on your chest than think of the ways you could possibly hurt me

i've lived my life in high hopes and expectations only to be hit with the strong and devastating reality

your hands on my hips as we swayed to the neighbourhood i love you track number four on your bluetooth speakers and your lips traced patterns on the skin of my neck and i swore the lust i felt was love

your eyes said one thing, but your body movements said another

your eyes said they were hungry
starving
they were longing for something more than just a one time feast

but your hands were so delicate with my body
that it felt as if i was porcelain

you said could tame the beast within you, but you didn't know for how long

and it didn't take long before you devoured me.

he
smells like cologne, the scent fills your nose and you're automatically drawn to him. the scent suits him nicely, and it's all i crave to smell whenever i'm hugging someone else. i get sad because it's never him.

he
spends his days on stage, the lights always falling perfectly on his body and ****** features as he strums his instrument and dances around with no care in the world. he's living in the moment, and i'm watching in complete amazement. he has me dumbfounded, and all i can do is smile.

he
says his name is christian, but i'm pretty sure it's apollo; because he's feared by most and he's more important than anyone else. he heals me in ways i can never bare to tell. his music is breathtaking, and i'm enchanted. he's my apollo.

he
is like poetry. filled with meaning and emotions. he can hook you with just a small hello! how are you? and i wouldn't know what to say if he ever said i love you. but i'm good! thank you for asking, just a little amazed at how you're so beautiful, my enchanting king.


(( it's funny because i keep describing him as such a god and how he holds me captive, but he's actually just a boy in a band who i crave the love of- but listen! he makes my belly get filled with butterflies and makes me feel like a melted popsicle on the fourth of july. i live for the way he makes me feel. ))

the purple lights fall perfectly on your ****** features as your eyes are closed, you're living in the moment whilst capturing my heart in a jar without even getting close to me, but i definitely feel your hands gripping at my chest and ripping it out.

and starboy, i promise i'm sober. but i could easily get drunk on those liquor lips, let me have a taste.

you're shuffling through girls like songs on your playlist, and i'm hoping i'm the song you stay listening to and don't get tired of. i'm shuffling through emotions like a deck of cards, and i have my poker face on.

but ****, i was never good at placing bets.

i'll curl my eyelashes and put a coat of mascara, gloss my lips with cherry wine, and blush my cheeks with fresh raspberries.

i bet you'd like that, starboy. i heard the sun is a star, and you're the sun of my life. you're the sun, starboy! my bright beaming sun. and i'll risk anything to get burned.

two lips rings on the side of his lip
he would play with them with his straight
white teeth when he was nervous or feeling
risqué

he had them so for as long as he could remember
they became apart of his personality
but i don't think metal rings
could be a trait

but to him, that's what made him... him

besides the liquor and cigarettes
the guitars and midnight lustful
*** in motel rooms

he tasted like tobacco and liquor
if i concentrate hard enough
my tongue will take me back
to the familiar taste

he didn't like his curls
so he would straighten his hair
it's not rock and roll!
he would always tell me

you see, the metal rings on the side of his lip were the first thing i ever noticed about him
and those same exact rings were the last thing i tasted before he disappeared

drinking hot peppermint mochas in the hot shower because i've learned i love the way the boiling liquid goes down my throat while the water droplets from the shower go down my spine at the same time

it reminds me of the days i slept next to you and you would trace shapes on my spine and lower back
while i drank hot chocolate

i guess even when things change
i still find a way to find familiarity

i like change and always seem to be a different person than when you last saw me

blue hair and pale skin
turns into brown hair and tanned skin
while my eyeliner is no longer big and bold
but small and thin

i'm always changing and i don't know who i'll be next, but i know it wont last long

you told me you can't keep up with my pace
and i told you no one could
yet you still tried to follow me like a lost puppy
looking for a home

you told me i was your home
but i don't see how a broken vacant lot
could ever be home

i could never be someone's safe haven
i could never be someone's fairy tale when i'm living a brother's grimm book

so i'll keep changing my hair
the way i dress
my makeup
and the way i talk

because that's when i feel i have the most control.

cut me with the petals of your favorite flower
let your fingers glide gently on my skin and carve the letters of your name into my flesh

drench me in your favorite perfume so it becomes my permanent scent
the one you adore and look forward to when you see me

there's blood staining my teeth and gums
i wipe it off and it stains my chin
but you still think i'm beautiful

so cut me with the flower petals
and drench me in your favorite perfume
while you wash the blood out of mouth
and carve your name into my flesh

because i finally want to be the one you adore.

they say eyes are windows to our souls
so why hasn't anyone seen the beauty within mine?

and this is when i learned being alone is safer than being with you
your knuckles are bruised and wrapped in ace bandages
you told me you just had a bad night and it'll all be fine in the morning

but the bad nights just kept coming
the ace bandages never unwrapped from
your hand but you swore the light at the end of the tunnel was getting closer and closer

i don't think your dollars held together by a rubber band and smooth lies are going to save you this time

you can't keep avoiding the problem and expect it to be fixed and solved by itself
it doesn't work that way

once something goes wrong, you immediately flee and never look back
until you do and the problem comes back
but you're too much of a coward with too much pride that you can't even see it in front of you anymore

i hope my voice rings loudly in your ears telling you that you need to get your **** together and stop living in a make believe world

one day you will realize that not everyone is going to fall down on their knees for you

and it'll be a huge wake up call.

we lit the flower petals on
fire because we wanted to destroy something beautiful

i didn't know i was beautiful
until you destroyed me.

they told me i'd be signing the DNR papers
if i fell in love with you
and i remember putting down my signature

when i told you i’d give you the moon and the stars, i really meant it.

i gave you everything that was pretty **** close to the galaxy, but you said it wasn’t enough.

you didn’t say it verbally with your tongue, but your actions did. actions speak louder than words, and it hurts way worse than you telling me you don’t want me anymore.

i gave you a place to run to, a place to sleep. when you needed to get away, you knew where to go. maybe i should’ve let you be on the streets, but you know you mean too **** much to me.

i gave you true love that was genuine and wholesome. only to get a love that was one sided and filled with trauma. you only loved me whenever it was convenient for you.

i gave you a family for crying out loud. we were going to have our amaryllis and crimson, our happily ever after was just around the corner but you decided at the last minute that you didn’t want to settle down.

mama warned me about guys like you
tearing my sweet innocent heart into two

but the craziest thing that hurts the most isn’t about you
it’s about me
because i’d still take you back in a heart beat.

looking back at my past
i can’t help but feel pure disgust and shame
i choke on the lump in my throat if anyone mentions any slight detail about who i used to be and what i used to do

the men i’ve been with
the pills i took carelessly
the aching sore pain of my self hatred

craving love, i looked for it in all of the wrong places.
i let men touch my body and have their way with me while mama cried at home about how she wanted her little girl back

i’ve been tossed around and broken so many times that i simply have no more pieces left to spare

they always ask me who was i before the world turned me so cold
and i can’t help but reply
‘i don’t know.’

i think i finally know why they called you lucifer.

it wasn’t just about your dark design and the ink covering your porcelain skin, it was about you as a person. the way you walked, the way you talked. everything.

you told me you were a god and i believed you. i put you on a pedestal and kissed your feet, but honey, you are not a saint.

you have skeletons in your closet that you swear don’t belong to you, but if i were to look closely enough, i would see your dna all over the crime scene.

you’re always on the run, who are you trying to run from? me or all of your problems?

you can wash your hands to clean the blood off, but you can’t wash them off the crime.

you left my body sore and hollow those two summers ago and you finally came back to bury me six feet under to leave me to decay once and for all

but if i learned anything from you
it would be reincarnation.

you’re alluring yet elusive
cooler than the autumn breeze and anyone i have ever come in contact with

toss me in your car and we’ll go out for ice cream while you make promises you’ll swear to keep but we all know deep down, you have your fingers crossed.

you can show me the world or another bar, either is fine because i’m with you. you could even take me to a ******* dumpster and i’d still look at you with puppy dog eyes.

you can drench me in gasoline and alcohol
and maybe then that’ll help us forget the pain
that we both hold deep inside in our hearts
you can light me on fire afterwards then take pictures of my ashes and post it with some stupid caption

you have tattoos that tell a story and ink your ivory skin
you have the world wrapped around your finger

the tours, the girls, the ***. you have it all, and you’re still craving more. i cant give you anything because i know you’ll drop me once you get it. i’m not good enough.

you could paint your heart and soul any color
so why did you choose the darkest black?

i want you to breathe me in as deep as you breathe in those packs of menthol cigarettes that you keep behind your ear just in case you need a quick fix. i never really understood, but you told me i don’t have to. live life in the fast lane.

your hands touched my body in ways friends don’t touch, but you told me we were just friends. friends touch each other and crave each other’s lust apparently.

lips tasting like fireball and cigarettes, i still crave that same taste when i’m kissing someone else but no other lips could satisfy me. why did you bury yourself six feet deep within me? this hurts so bad.

i remember the nights where you would lie with me, we would talk about the nonsense chaos in our lives and we’d share oxygen and smoke from each other’s lips

this is gonna be a long night, i can’t escape you. you’re stuck in my head, and you’re in my dreams. please go away.

i’m still in love with you.