I stood on those old bleachers
at that basketball game.
my friends stood around me
huddled close
but I was alone
so alone
so very alone.
I can't relate to them.
I can't pretend to be happy.
I can't pretend I'm not thinking of you.
I can't make conversation
because I'm too awkward.
I can't cheer
and pretend I know how to play a game I don't care about.
I can't pretend I don't remember you sitting right there
on the bottom of the bleachers
talking to the one person that hurt me most.

to be honest
if I had known as a child
that I would be a size 4
I would have never eaten again

elementary,
middle,
high,
college.

trade
one
master
for
the
next.

the thought of you
makes my heart flutter
but not in a childish way
the way that promises love
the way that promises heartbreak
the way that promises disaster
you're all mine
for now

they didn't tell you
you would still feel empty
with a crown on your head

i like to stay anonymous
so they don't find
all these feelings.
the only thing harder than feeling
so much
is explaining it.

they don't get it.
they think you want attention.
they don't believe me.

i'd rather believe
someone out there
sympathizes enough to read
and listen
and think
and care
and understand.

I felt ugly,
stupid.
I felt useless,
empty.
you said sweet dreams,
goodnight.
you called me an angel,
beautiful.
and you made me feel whole.

self-loathing consumes me
like a giant, venomous snake.
the venom has set in and I have been poisoned by it.
the negative thoughts drag me to the beast and I can't run away fast enough.
I get caught in the optimistic voice in my head as it tries to swallow me.
it slowly stretches its jaws and expands to cover my whole life.
it takes hours to engulf me and overcome my happiness.
I sit like a lump in its stomach waiting to be digested and become fully aware of my situation.
for days I churn in its gut
until there is none of me left.
I have fed the beast.
I have helped it to grow
and become strong.
I am fueling an anaconda of self hate
and there is no escaping.
I am nothing but sustenance running through its veins.

i want to be dead
but suicide seems too dramatic
i want to be forgotten
in death as much as in life

the door lock clicked
I took a step inside
"wait," he said
I turned to face him
he slid his hand on my waist
pulled me close,
leaned in,
kissed me.
soft lips,
rough tongue,
forceful.
I had trouble breathing
when he finally
let me go.
two days later
I'm still having trouble breathing.

I broke that boy's heart
that boy
who called me angel
that boy
who called me beautiful
that boy
who had blue eyes
that boy
who smirked his way into my heart
that boy
who treated me well
that boy
who told me his secrets
why did I do that?

I just feel
too ******* much
for it to be real

I just care
too ******* much
to not get hurt

I just need
too ******* much
to be functional

I just want you
too ******* much
for there to be
a happy ending
to this story

you
moved
away
and I stayed here
and I thought of you
and I wished for you
and I dreamed of you
and I talked about you
and I told my friends about you
and I heard your name
and I saw pictures of you
and I fell in love with you
and I became sad.

I'm crying
and
I can't stop

my eyes are puffy
and
I can't breathe properly

sobs convulse my body
and
you don't care

I waved.
I waved twice.
did you wave back?
no.
you looked away.

from the pink stretch marks of my ***,
to the angry red curve across my thigh,
to the raised white line on my stomach,
the scars are painted across my body.

if only mederma worked on other scars.

I remember the cool metal on my back
as you pushed me farther towards it
with your soft lips
your taut body flexed
I ran my fingers through your short hair
and felt you strong arms **** me in
and I looked at the moon from your grasp.
you asked what is wrong?
and I replied nothing
because how do you put into words what I'm feeling?
you simply can't.
I can even make sense of it in my jumbled head
I try to take mental pictures of the moment
while trying not to ruin the moment
or overthink it
it's a strange thing to understand something so completely
and know the right decision
but to ignore the thought in the back of your mind
scraping your skull
trying to get out.
so I said goodbye and I gave one last kiss
followed by another
because last kisses never last long enough.

"give me a second,"
I heard crackle over the phone line.
I listened.
the muffled sobs of a boy that loves me break the silence.
I did it.
I broke his heart.
the overwhelming emotions I felt
led to this episode.
I felt trapped; scared.
I cannot return his feelings.
those words he bared to me
on that cold night,
before I whispered an excuse
and ran indoors,
shocked me in ways
I cannot believe.
I cannot stop crying
but not for me.
I cry for the boy that loves me
in a city far away.
I cry for the way I ruin everything
and call it good reasoning.
I cry for the touch of his lips on mine that
I will never feel again.

"I love you"
he said.
I turned my face away and pretended to be happy
I kissed that boy and pretended he was another.
he loves the wrong person;
I know that full well.
he doesn't know me,
my favorite music,
the poems I read,
the way I think too hard about everything and push everyone away.
he doesn't know me
and he thinks he loves me.
so that's why I choose to cry in the shower
and cover it up in the morning
and keep it up,
this charade doomed to end.
how do you break someone's heart and sleep at night?
how can you do that?
I will never love him
and for that I feel guilt
being pressed against my lungs
like bricks.
the elephant standing
on my chest won't get off
and I would rather
let it crush me completely.

"listen.
so I have heard that you're dating someone
and I'm not trying to cause trouble
or anything
but I miss having you
in my life
and I hate only talking to you
every once a semester.
I just wanted to say that
even though I couldn't seem
to bring myself to say that yesterday.
I know you're probably
way over me by now,
and I wouldn't blame you
for not wanting to have anything
to do with me.
I
just
miss
you."

I'm crying because
you're there
and I'm here
and all I want
is to feel your lips
on mine

if I had thought about organic chemistry
as much as I thought about kissing you,
I might have had
an A.

expectations:
I stepped out of the car
you returned my smile
the palpable emotion between us pulsing
I make my way to you
wrap my arms around your waist
rest my head on your chest
like I have done so many times before
I look up and smile into brown eyes
I have looked into for so long
we sit in the same spot as our final date
and I say those words I never told you
"I love you" passed my lips
your smile spread across your face
as you return those same three words
I apologize for making situations difficult
and I remember why I always felt safe with you
you call me kid
and I smile because I started that two years ago
I slide your coarse hand between my fingers
I hear that laugh that I miss so much
and I feel warmth radiate across my body
my heart beats fast
and I listen to you talk about anything on your mind
and you slide a small paper origami bird
across the table
just like you used to
some things never change

reality:
I stepped out of the car,
tried not to smile too wide
the years of pain and emotion strung between us as I walk to you
we don't touch
but sit down at a table instead
your hair is shorter than I remember
and you have less ****** hair
and your brown eyes look like they have seen a lot in your 21 years
we sit in the same place as our last date
and I try to say "I love you"
but I can't get the courage to say it, just like last time
I can't tell if you even feel that way anymore
I apologize for making situations so difficult
and remember why I always felt dangerous with you
you don't call me kid
because we aren't close enough for that anymore
I feel my hands tingle as I sit on them to keep from shaking
you don't laugh anymore
because you probably think I would try to break that too.
I feel a chill go over my body and my leg bounces up and down like it used to
and we talk about the weather
because the weather doesn't have anything to do with us
and I slide my chair back from the table
and walk away
some things never change

you remind
me of a wound.
the first days it hurts like hell
sore to every touch and bruised.
weeks pass.
you stick around.
reminding me.
I can't slip out of my skin to get away.
you don't move from your usual spot.

but one day I look back and I don't notice the cut.
it looks like the rest of me,
melted back into my skin.
I can't remember why it hurt so much
or how long it took to heal
but I'm better now.

it would be easier
to dump the contents of a bottle of bleach in my brain
than to forget you.
both would cleanse me enough to get some sleep.
and both would hurt.

i lost you
and
i
found
my
voice.