hermit ***** crawl from their exoskeleton and find new homes as they grow
they shed and leave everything behind to the currents of time to wash past away
they search for newness with no direction
this was you when you left me
you grew out your hair and bought more rings
you when to a pharmacy of internet culture and hijacked the life which did not belong to you
something to comfort your lack of love
something to cling to so you could say that youre wild and free
instead of broken and crippled from the death of this all
im a shell not empty because of you but now a house with no deed
another animal adjusting to the mania of love
there is no deposit
there is no tax
there is only myself, there is only my chaos
and when someone else tells me im their bomb shelter
i hope they take time to understand
that dynomite is in the freezer
and i would like him to know better than my past self
to stay
and
dont open that door

i am not a bone chandelier

i finally told myself that this body doesnt need to be punished by my mind
and how much i hurt you
and how much i gave up to you

i am not a sack of sweetness,
stuff-****** with carbon
i am not the hose in the back window
i am not every horrible way i wanted to forget
what it really meant to be loved by you

when you found out i was a writer (or whatever i call this)
you told me i have to know the rules to break them

you did not know anything about me

and i knew then,
that if our love was anything like a true poem
it was going to end up like the hole i put through the wall two months ago.
i dont need to know the rules of love to break them.

instead i sleep with people i dont know
and i sip on a beverage with a bite
and it has all come back
to bite me in my ***

my friend showed me a mates of state album
(and im not partial to their music)
but a picture ofa  tombstone and arrows clouded my distaste
it read:
'beware and be grateful'

now, despair of my brave ***** is at rest
feeling is nothing more than a touch
investments of emotion are not worthy of a second
and in a full minute i dont think of any of you at all

i remember walking central park alone and desperate
nothing
i remember crying in my car lost on sunset
nothing again
i remember trying to keep my sanity when i walked into the room to see you and her
nothing now
the words you spoke "i get misplaced during winter, but i know what i want"
and no none of you did much to comfort me
nothing forever
or make me happy
zero zip zilch

so thats where i am now
with a stranger next to me
remembering those nothings
and a glass full of ice and a smiling and free bird
and the wild turkey repeats the line
'beware and be grateful'
i listen, finally.

in the night that shadows my gloom
encouraged by whiskey, cigarettes
and the seeking of an empty room.

****** me,
give me no promise of tomorrow.
hurt me, use me, tell me something untrue.
hit me, choke me, pull back my hair
unwind my body
untie my mind from there.
cry for me, bite my lip
grind me from the side
trace my hip
tell me im **** then tell me im wrong
this fragile notions ive foreseen for so long

times will change and time will pass
now, its time for me to get over what couldnt last
i know you look at me and see her aching stare
but this is the night you needed me
and i finally didnt care.

a handfull of pills
a needle to the arm
that cuts
like the sound of your voice.
oh give me the drugs
and save me from the harm
that days bring
give me the dream
give me the euphoria
so i can run
after something that seems tangible
give me the darkness
the ruin
and the excuse
for you to hear that i am no longer the person that used to be.




give me a reason
to get
the ****
out of
my bed
at dawn.

selfish is as selfish does
i make my attempts to refuse cowardice
and mine for the gold in your heart
and ive delivered acceptence and determination on
the wings of carrier pigeons
you broke my ring
and you stick out your tongue
bitter little *****
i asked you to be kind
kind of kind
due to fragility
i know im damaged goods
and all damaged goods are a burden
and i am a beast
and i am a god
and i am unlubbable
and tonight im knocking on wood
because you wont even say hello anymore.

dont fret, disinterest is not individual folly
but shared in the space where we used to lay.

i will carry your body from the flicker
i will lose my eye
four houndred and fifty seven times
before i jab back.
all this makes a sister look weak,
but this is what i know of patience and loyalty.
and we will stare into the souls we drain everyday
and drown in the woes of alcoholism
and suffocate in the smoke
and go bankrupt from the weekend rut.
and i am happy
that i know
i could be doing this alone
but alas
i have a twinsoul
a twinflame.
for vinagar girls,
full of *** and vice
and all horrible things,
somehow we manage to hold more value
in each other
in people and parents
and newcomers
than any one any where
can relate.
my partner in crime,
my fellow feline,
i will follow you into the flame
and drag you back out.