The most painful dreams
are the ones where I'm kissing you
because when I wake up, I know

I can't.

They say when you lose a limb,
sometimes you can still feel it
even after it's gone
Maybe that's why I still feel your arm
wrapped around my waist

Hey Billy Boy,
Listen:
Meet me on Tralfamadore.
You know when, Billy Boy,
We've been there before.

I'll be your Montana,
And we'll talk and we'll ****.
Until the time comes
We become time unstuck.

It's hard to adjust
To four-dimensional sight.
Strange to know the world will end,
With a fateful test flight.

Free will is a myth;
So resign yourself to fate.
Billy Boy, so it goes.
Just sit back, and wait.

Someone once told you,
“Boys don’t cry.”
And for a while,
you believed them.

But like a flower,
kissed by the sun
and nurtured by the rain,
you opened yourself to the world.

And the world can be harsh.
Cloudy days can be cruel.
But if you wait for the sun,
I promise it will come back.

Your empathy may destroy you,
but that’s the price you must pay
to feel happiness and love
as deeply as you do.

And they will tell you,
“You are weak.”
But darling,
you are not weak.

And they will tell you
“You are less than.”
But darling,
you are more.

Boy who cries, you are beautiful.
But they will tell you
you are not.

Don’t listen.

I’m thankful for your cold shoulder
Turned away from me.
Unflinching.

I’m thankful for your taste in movies
Satirical horror.
Running time: 1 hour 35 minutes.

I’m thankful you didn’t kiss me
Lips pressed together tight.
Unwavering.

I’m thankful for the goodbye hug
Lopsided and callous.
Approximately 3 seconds.

And mostly, I’m thankful
You decided you were through with me at 10:56.
And not 10:57.

Because I made every green light
On the way home from your apartment.

You traced the horizon with your fingertips
as if the sunset was something you painted
with Kool-Aid and cornstarch.

The ocean spit salty on the backs of our necks
As the sun faded behind the skyline of the city.
You kissed me hard then lit a cigarette. Laughing,
"Nobody watches the sunset on the East Coast."

I lay my head on your shoulder
as you dug trenches in the sand with your feet.
We sat in silence for a while, and that was okay.
You always said if the words aren't there, don't force it.

If the love isn't there don't force it.

If the love isn't there don't force it.

If the love isn't there don't force it.

I keep that sunset you painted with me all the time
and I look at it when I can't remember
what the sun feels like.

Wrinkled with time and more dull than I remember
it still stains my fingertips red and leaves a sugary sweet taste
on my tongue.

Get some sleep, if you can.
It won’t be long before you have to start up again.
Go through the motions.
Smile when it’s expected.
Speak when it’s appropriate.
For a moment yesterday, you contemplated running away.
No, not running, walking.
For the only thing worth running from is yourself,
And darling, even you know better than that.
Leave.
Drive north until you feel like stopping.
With music loud, tank filled up, and a heart unchained,
You would drive.
Until you found beauty.
Until you found purpose.
Until the map turned blue.
Save it for a rainy day?
But the only difference is water, baby.
Cause you’ve got dark clouds aplenty.

This morning I cried
Because the blanket you gave me
No longer smells like you.

That scent you had asked me to describe
But I couldn't.
I said something generic.
"It smells good. You smell good."

I guess it's weird to tell a person they smell like home.

You tell me not to worry.
You promise you'll be back.
Back to sleep under that blanket with me.

I believe you with my whole heart.
Just as I've done everything with you—
WITH MY WHOLE HEART

My head, however,
Isn't so sure.

When I say that I love you,
I mean that right now,
in this moment,
I am in love with you.
I mean that I care about you.
I mean, that right now,
in this moment,
I would like to be with you for the long run.
I mean that right now,
in this moment,
I can see myself being with you forever.

When I say that I love you,
I do NOT mean that I can promise that I WILL love you forever.
It only means that right now,
in this moment,
I would like to try.
I do NOT mean that I think loving you will be easy.
It only means that right now,
in this moment,
I think it will be worth it.
I do NOT mean that I expect you to always agree with me.
I do NOT mean that I expect you to love me in exactly the same way.
I ONLY mean that I hope that you can try
to love me too.

We've been expecting rain
for three days.

The weathermen get it wrong sometimes too,
I suppose.

Besides, rain always seems to come
when you least expect it.

I’ve reached a roadblock
in this punch-drunk--

The exhilarated semblance
of warm-color happiness
is peeled back
like the layers of an onion
to reveal raw, pungent inexperience
sincere in frankness,
yet clumsy in approach

The blurred lines of
tender affection
and pious adulation--

The muddy waters of
passionate attachment
and fiery dominion--

A foolish game
for a foolish girl.

I’ve had writer’s block for months.

Then a five-word cliché unleashed a torrent of
thoughtsfeelingswordsphrases
Emotions
Pent-up for so long.

And the best part is,
You're wrong, babe.
It’s not you, it’s me.

And it always has been.

I used to think that the penalty
for devastating loss
was a metaphorical
            hole
                   in your
heart.

And though that
            hole
                  made you
broken,
something would come along
to fill that
            hole.

All things broken
could be made new again.

I know now,
that is not true.
A
            hole
                   in your
heart,
cannot be filled.

When you lose a piece
of yourself,
that piece is gone.
Forever.

And no amount of love,
or support,
can restore you
to shiny, new condition.

But
that is not to say
that the broken
cannot be healed.

For though a heart
can never be made
             whole
again,

It can be made larger.

You can never replace
the missing pieces,
But you can always
collect more.

And though more surface area
leaves more opportunity for
              holes,
It also changes the size
of the existing ones
relative to what's left.

You will never not miss
what you have
lost.

You will never not feel
burdened by your
brokenness.

But it will get easier.

Sticky summer days
Bored and lonely

My mother would tell me
To find shapes in the clouds.

"Look. That's a dog."
"Over there, that's a teapot."

"I see it," I'd say.
But I never did.

All I saw were clouds.

The freckles on your body
Like stars in the sky
I want to connect the dots

Kissing constellations
across your back

The entire universe
behind your eyes

The moon is bright and full
Like my heart
My heart is full and bursting
Like a berry
Red and ripe
And ready
To be devoured
By
   your
           love

If loving you is stepping off a cliff
I would gladly take that step
Over and over again.

Falling
           down
                     down.

Tangled limbs and broken bones.

Smiling all the while.

Eyes
closed.

Nostrils
flared.

Lips
just
barely
parted.

The sunshine filters in
dancing starlight across your cheeks
crisp white teeth gleam
behind sun-kissed lips
And I smile
because you
are all
            mine.