cigarette smoke was everywhere
ping pong ***** flying over and under
every time you turn the corner, shots are happening

beer is spilling and so is the liquor

so are your words
you were wasted by how you slurred your words

it was so easily to fall in love with you, while you inhaled that cigarette that was mine
and how to sipped your drink

then the girl came over and sat right on you and started sticking her tongue down your throat

after that i never saw you that night of the party

you told me you'd do everything in your power to not hurt me
you promised things that i thought would go threw
you told me you loved me and im a stupid girl who believed it so easily

your lies flowed out of your mouth so easily  
it was like you singing a song

you promised you'd stick with me
but now your intertwining your fingers with someone and kissing them softly like it was me.

you knew my face like the back of your hand
when i was upset you wouldnt let it go

you promised you'd do a lot of things

and those promises are still stuck to me
because all im doing is waiting for them to happen

and i'll never realize when they will because
your not mine, your hers now.

im dangerous
im a human being who's mind is everywhere

i dont think straight
i think of the most craziest things

im a reckless teenager that never wants to grow up

everything is now starting to becoming a habit.
going to bed late
smoking more
eating less
drinking more
thinking more
feeling less

painting and drawing more

its made me more crazy

its starting to make me a different person than who i used to be

i try.
i try everyday to get up in the morning and feel good about myself
and tell myself that im happy and that im okay with this.

then i realize that im not okay, or happy, or anything anymore.
you destroyed me.

i remember the memories
the feelings we had for eachother
the way you would touch me.
it was so delicate, and precious.

i wake up every morning telling myself that i cant do this anymore and that i'll never be okay with this

i cant even believe you anymore
i cant trust anyone anymore
or even look at anyone the same

i cant move on
and ive tried, but everyone's just ******* now a days
but all the memories go threw my head all day and i cant stop it anymore
its become a habit
and i cant stop now

I feel everything
from the bath water being to cold,
to the pain in that old man's eyes as he walked through the streets and wonders
how he came to be so alone
i think about such small and intricate thought.
untouched blades,dangerously sharp.
these thoughts cut the deepest and yet a part of me craves to swim in a river of red
i want to watch myself bleed in the comfort of knowing im not alone
nor are the hidden droplets of life that no one else has the thought to look for.
That's why shallow people are often beautifully pristine.
they are thinkers of common thoughts.
blunt knives that cut no deeper into their smooth skin than the hands
that caress their bodies.
Lonely are the sufferers.

the fact that it is so easily for me to put a cigarette in between my fingers
and inhale that nicotine so easily.

the fact that i can take a sip of ***** without throwing up

and its so easy for you to tell me lies about anything and everything
is what hurts the worst.

while he looked into my eyes I knew he was craving me
I knew those eyes
the eyes that he needed you
that he desired you

the look that you couldn't resist
you needed time
space
you needed the fresh air

you knew it was going to happen
the craving of eachother flesh skin pressed against eachother
the feeling of his hot body on you

you needed the time

in that time it got so intense

his hands traveled under your shirt
on your soft warm skin
your legs
every part of your body was touched by his cold fingertips

your shirt became another piece of clothing that was left on the ground from him
so was the rest of your clothes

he treated you so fragile
so precious
like he was a shield for your precious body

you found yourself looking at every mark,scratch,bruise, & bump on his body while ontop of you

then it finally happened
and you never felt so full by some human being like that

im getting to the point where i cant feel anything
i cant feel when the cool breeze goes by
i cant feel when someone touches my shoulder to get my attention
i cant feel my face
or  my body
i cant feel my heart
or any ***** in my body

i cant feel anything anymore

smoking becomes a habit
drinking becomes a routine
painting becomes a thing
photography becomes a job

and everything else becomes nothing.

the *** the drugs and the happiness.
am i right?

thats all it ever was

except you hated the drugs but loved the rest
thats all you loved

you hated when i talked about drinking or smoking
and it hurt you more than it hurt me

but you never cared
because if you did, you'd realized how bad of depression i have.

i really wish i could tell you i never loved you but i do
i cant help but stare at you when your not looking
i cant help but have dreams about you

it ***** having dreams about you because they feel real
but in reality , i know its not.

i wish you didnt move on so quickly
and i wish you'd realize how hurt i feel

i wish you understood my consequences to this.
you dont get it.

i wish i could feel your fingers locked with mine
and your breathing on my neck

i wish i could feel you
and me.

my thoughts run threw my brain each night like a crazy train.
each night i lay in bed,
thinking about how the stars are so noticeable but so far away,

and how the moon looks so little but is huge in its own way,

and how people can hurt such a delicate thing,
but nobody cares what people think anymore

because this world has become such a ****** up place.

drunken people are the best people
they laugh
talk to whoever
they let free
they say the truth

****** people just think
there always focused
starving for something
they dont speak the truth

lovers is a whole other story that nobody could explain
unless you've gone threw it

you say you want help but you dont
you never answer.
you never respond.
you left me hanging all along.

you said you'd be there
you said you'd always love me no matter what

but thats a **** lie
you never will help me
you never will be here
and you never will love me.

you'll be loving the girl who ****** you over
and i still dont see you loving us both.

dont say you'll be here
dont say you loved me
dont say everything will get better
because it wont
dont say i'll be fine
because im not
dont say you understand
because you dont

and you never will.

i dont hate you because you left
but i hate you for what you did

you left me alone
you said "ill be there for you for anything"

which was all a lie
you lied

2 weeks it took
it took you 2 weeks to move on to something that ****** you over

ill still be here, alone, waiting for you to be here.

the feeling of your finger tips always made me shiver
they always made me feel full, alive.

the feeling of being in your arms late at night
made me feel like i was being protected, that nothing could hurt me, us.

i felt perfect standing next to you knowing that im yours and your mine.

but now i cant even walk past you in the those dark scary halls  and now i dont feel perfect
im now lost

the tears, the cries, the fights
it was all just a game

game for you
but a mission for me

and you never understood that

until you finally realized that its not a game anymore
its a commitment

and im still on that mission to find out why you left.

im sorry i could never look deep into your eyes
id cry
and i know we both wouldn't want that

i knew id cry just from the feeling of my face
starting to tingle and get all red
id choke everytime i tried talking to you

you never realized why i couldn't look at you in the eyes
but now you never will know since im not yours.