In the end
we tasted like
bitter morning breath
hungover sour liquor

On brisk summer mornings
waking up
rolling over on to my right side
eyes opening slowly
only to find
we are lonely

my heart aching
Knowing
Knowing
that you'll be gone forever
I lost you long ago

But that's okay
i know better now
than to expect
a gentle knock
on my tender
heart walls
but rather to acknowledge
any sort of love
will come from
those walls being barreled down
My heart ravished
and left like roadkill
every
****
time

I'll build them
out of brick this time
because i think for a while
the straw gave me hope
that the people who came in
would not be as bad
as my experiences

i'm beginning
to believe
that in the end
you were still good
you were delicious
in the way that
didn't nourish me
rather you left blankets
of overeaten guilt on my
chest
stomach
thighs

When did this become about you?

and rather than screaming about
how much i loved you
i lied, gasping, spitting,
how dare you make me walk
back into that house
tears dripping down
your rough freckled cheeks
a spare bedroom full of promises
a backyard
with a swing
made intentionally
for me

I've been down on my knees
most days
writhing in self-doubt
wondering if letting you go
was a clean slate of my selfishness
or a righteous act of self-love

in any case
that empty bedroom
brought me wavering fantasies of
my lifeless body in the bathtub
wishing you hadn't
had the strength
to break the latch
on that bathroom door
i stopped going to that place
in fear that i'd like it too much there

oh, how we've tortured
one another
spoon feeding each other
poison
just so we'd stay
crazy enough
content enough
to remain in insanity together

In the end
at least we died together
only to be reborn
in a distant hell
of bitter morning breath
each day
reliving the worst days
of our own tortured divorce

She said to me, over the phone
She wanted to see other people
I thought, Well then, look around. They're everywhere
Said that she was confused...
I thought, Darling, join the club
24 years old, Mid-life crisis
Nowadays hits you when you're young
I hung up, She called back, I hung up again
The process had already started
At least it happened quick
I swear, I died inside that night
My friend, he called
I didn't mention a thing
The last thing he said was, Be sound
Sound...
I contemplated an awful thing, I hate to admit
I just thought those would be such appropriate last words
But I'm still here
And small
So small.. How could this struggle seem so big?
So big...
While the palms in the breeze still blow green
And the waves in the sea still absolute blue
But the horror
Every single thing I see is a reminder of her
Never thought I'd curse the day I met her
And since she's gone and wouldn't hear
Who would care? What good would that do?
But I'm still here
So I imagine in a month...or 12
I'll be somewhere having a drink
Laughing at a stupid joke
Or just another stupid thing
And I can see myself stopping short
Drifting out of the present
****** by the undertow and pulled out deep
And there I am, standing
Wet grass and white headstones all in rows
And in the distance there's one, off on its own
So I stop, kneel
My new home...
And I picture a sober awakening, a re-entry into this little bar scene
Sip my drink til the ice hits my lip
Order another round
And that's it for now
Sorry
Never been too good at happy endings...

because i had demons following me.
and for good reason i presume.
these sharks of dynamite continuously reminding me
that i am no longer a piece of you.

washing out the solitude of grace
there's nothing left but the value of your face
a wandering subject of mere confusion
forget all these holds, become an illusion

hot hot fears
i am riddled with your tears
a manipulation of the finest sort
you have ****** me in, cut my breath short

i must agree
you have handled me tenderly
when ****'s been rough
you stood tall, stayed tough

but hunny you are harmful
and i've been carrying an armful
step off my merry-go-round
and find yourself some solid ground

drip drops
on my tongue
burning down my throat

sweet poison
you are mine
you have destroyed
the entirety
of me

drops
drip drops
of soulless hours
and forgotten moments

you are engulfing me
with reckless thoughts
and sick mornings

drops of
nothing
but
darkness

the younger me
lies beneath my battered skin

frightened.

as if at any moment

i will tear her out
claw at her edges
and spit on her fragile figure

as if i will forget
toss her away
so she becomes a memory

of a nightmare
that can only be reached
by fingertips

and former friends

I let you sink your teeth in
release venom in my Veins
make me Cry out in shame

Please give me mercy
make up that mind
i let you Force me

still Searching for clues i cannot find

Recall this ****
forced to bleed
strapped down by duct tape

let me be your soul. your fearless night of conquering divinity. your everything true and faithful. your worthy lover. because you taste so sweet my dear, like luscious raspberry sauce and crisp summer sheets wrapped around us. under the stars. your words are fire on my tongue, laughing and rolling down your endless arms, gripping torso. let me bury my face into your neck again and lick the creamy scent of your earlobe. let me fight for you, because the snow has melted my love! our summer is here! but i cry those endless nights when i remember you’re still not here… (sigh) like swimming open water you are a depth beneath me, within my grasp i flow through you. you are my ocean, my incredible buoyancy. you are salty and chilly, stinging my eyes fulfilling my muscles. so let me be your soul… because never have i known one so beautiful, never have i written something like this entitled “For You”

waiting for it to hit
and darling it hit hard,
didn’t it?

i was ever so conscious of your pain
your eyes flooding with agony
a pulsing vein

and i am not too far from that one,
so close to the exact frequency
you seem to teeter upon

these nights are restless
i wake up faded
breathless

my increasing guilt for what i’ve done
i am down on my knees
pleading with who i’ve become