she said we'd get through it together
get over him together
but now she's going to a movie with him,
and i am wearing someone else's sweatshirt and thinking of him
and his favorite movie.
it doesn't matter how many pills i take,
they will never change the face i see in the mirror.
sometimes i think i need to just get out of this town,
out of my own little head,
my own little hell.
and i guess i am happy
with him
when i am sitting in her kitchen
and eating mexican food.
but i guess
he will never like me.
because how can someone like you
when you don't even like yourself?
i'm chasing clouds,
endless daydreams,
turning into nightmares.
it's weird
how i feel fine
walking down the street
with jasper
but i don't feel fine
in my own house.
and sometimes, i think this is so normal.
and i go over to her house
and see the way she acts,
and i am reminded of reality.
the tension i feel in this house
isn't how families feel.
and the way my dad treats me
isn't how 'perfect' families work,
or even broken families.
and they wonder why justin never comes home.
she pierced her nose
and she's ruining our plans.
i'm stuck in this room,
the four walls hold stories that i will go to my grave with.
they soak in the things that i can only let out
when i am alone.
sometimes i wonder
why the **** it is worth it
to go through all this pain
for a few moments of illumination.
but then bereket grabs my face and kisses my nose,
my uncle hands me $20 because i want a latte
and my dad won't let me have one.
alex tells me my poetry is beautiful,
and all i can think is,
"if it is as beautiful as you think that i am
then i am ******."
adrian says words
and ben lets me wear his sweatshirt.
justin leaves the garage door open
to never look back;
chloe ****** off her parents
to rebel against her own mind.
sometimes i want to curl up in a ball
and never wake up.
because going to school, to group therapy, to yoga,
why the hell is it worth it?
hours upon hours of an endless loop, brought on by my brain.
the way i feel in my heart
when i think of if i will ever make it,
if any one will ever want to love me,
or like me,
or tolerate me.
if he says my poetry is as beautiful as i am,
then i am ******.

hallow's eve
the only day of the year
misplaced teenagers
and ruined dreams get to take the stage
because,
on this october 31,
you can be anything that you want.
ghosts of your past haunt you day and day through,
and today, they are visible to everyone else, too
so, go
run around these streets pretending to be what you are not,
pretending to be the perfect image of your father's daughter,
someone who can finally live past their older brother.
hide behind the mask
and make it last
because when the clock strikes 12,
all your demons disappear back into your head.
but tonight,
you can be anything you want
and no one at all

so, here we go again.
another october, spent wishing it was summer
when all you did over the summer
is wish that it was fall
another october that fades into a chilly november
a few days a month are ok
and a few moments you are happy.
here we go again
he has started the fire again
it wafts through the vents up to my closed door
and it makes me think of last year,
another november, spent kicking leaves
and warming your hands.
another november,
with no one to keep you warm.
and there is a strip
on the third step from the top floor
where you can feel the heat
so clearly
it's like wind.
and there is a boy
sitting in someone else's arms
with no idea
you love him
so clearly
it's like the wind.

she comes home in the middle of the night
and i help her take her shoes off.
she can't walk in heels,
but in the glow of the night life,
she becomes someone else.
for once
in her life
she is
no one
but herself.
and a boy will buy her a drink,
take her home.
but she is so gone,
because even when she is with him,
she is thinking of a lost boy.
she is thinking of a boy in a coffee shop, smoking all his problems away.
a boy with dreams when they met,
that slowly faded into ash and dust,
nothing now but hazy memories.
she can still remember his eyes,
blue and bright.
now,
they are so dark
she can't even tell their color.
they could be black
and she wouldn't
even
know.
every day, they said "get over him"
every day, they said "he is nothing but trouble"
every day, they said "he will only break your heart"
every day, she said "you don't know him like i do"
and then, after, they said "i told you so"
and she said "you don't know him like i did"
so even when he is kissing her shoulder and i am in the other room,
counting the creaks of the bed
she is thinking of the summer they fell in love.
maybe it was his i-don't-give-a-**** attitude,
maybe it was the attraction of rebellion,
but he changed everything
and she swore she'd never been so in love.
and then, when it was over,
when all the caps that they'd thrown into the air were all cleaned up by the janitor,
we went to new york city
and she reinvented herself.
she packed up one box,
and got the hell out of that town.
she hasn't missed one thing that she left behind,
didn't regret one moment,
except for him.
and so, when they were done,
he put his clothes back on
and left her there in her own bed, lonelier than before.
i had to go in and place the advil on the table,
for the hangover the next morning,
that would be there just like the sureness of the sun rising.
and i was the one
who tucked her in at night
while she was passed out,
and mumbling his name.

there are people in love
and there are people on swings in the middle of the night holding someone's hand and there are people laying in their bed crying and they are sad but they won't be sad all their life
but someone should tell them that they need to know that and the people on the swings need to know that they need to engrave that moment in their mind and then maybe they won't end up like the person crying because they can remember when they were swinging
there are boys who are in love right now climbing up  into a bedroom window to sneak a girl out and hold her hand and make sure she doesn't hurt herself when she falls and it won't be like that forever and when she is back in bed she can think of his tight grip and the night air
and i don't believe in love but i believe in a feeling of butterflies in your stomach and falling asleep with a smile because of someone and it is not forever it is just temporary but in another way it is completely forever because you can never forget that person and you can never forget walking to 7/11 after a concert and buying out the whole store practically but the people who you are with turn in to ******* but in the memories they are not ******* and you can remember the summer air maybe and i feel like i'm really stupid for writing this
but maybe there is someone out there who is in love and even if i don't believe it maybe there is and i hope there is a couple swinging on swings and not letting go of each others hands even when the swings move in different rhythms and he is looking at her and he is thinking that she outshines the stars in the summer sky and she will probably grow up and they will not break up ever but on graduation when she goes to nyu and he goes to la they say goodbye and they both know that they are not going to be together but they don't want to break up and they never will because maybe she keeps his big t-shirts when she is lonely and on his drive to la maybe he listens to her favorite songs and they never forget each other ever and they are never really totally alone because they were together that night on the swings and that is enough

i still have smoke on my jacket
and stars in my eyes
sitting outside the house and talking ****
and there's no place i'd rather be
your dad knows there's beer in your cup
and my mom knows were inhaling flames
we stay up late just to regret it in the morning
talking about the times we watched the sunrise
we follow the glow of the lights
and walk these streets like we own the night
tripping over memories of a simpler time
in the backyard pool and on the porch
on the swings pretending we have wings
we may not have any money but we never needed the riches anyways
because brooklyn lovin'
is forever