It's hard not to blame myself
My insincere apologies are running low
and I can hear the frustration in your voice
I'm not everything you wanted after all

I've never thought of myself as particularly beautiful
I know I only feel this way because I am unsure of myself today,
but I am often unsure

The sweet smell,
almost putrid,
reminded me of you.

Of all the love
you tried to give me
that simply left me suffocated.

It makes me so happy
to know you've gotten what you've always wanted-
someone who truly loves you,
a person who will always be by your side.
Not so much because it warms my heart
but because I never stooped so low.

The bags under my eyes
are as heavy as my heart,
as dark as my thoughts,
the evidence of a shameful and lonesome life.

Love me as much as you can
and you will never regret it.
I will write volumes of you
and you will always be known.

I soon felt that I had not been defeated,
I no longer darted my eyes to the ground.

I walked with confidence and stared straight ahead,
to my once living shame.

Now it was quite opposite.
As I looked at her and gave her a sly smile,
She looked away.

Not in disgust, not like before,
But instead in some kind of remorse,
Knowing I was not at fault.

Only now, I didn't need her sympathy.
One day she'll feel it, and she'll know.

I was once a caged bird
But every one of your hurtful words
Set me free
I realized I could do
So much
Without you.

We see them in the night
with our eyes closed
Paradise

We don't realize what we are
with out them
Paralyzed

I'd rather you hate me
Hate me for everything
Than love me
Love me for false hope
Hope you granted on yourself
Learn to forget me
Learn to hate
It doesn't make you bitter
It makes life great

It's during the most obscure moments that I appreciate my dad
In the moments when I look at his overworked hands tenderly touch my mother
And his tired eyes look at me from the rear view mirror
In those moments I remember the way he laid his hand on me when I crept into my parent's bedroom during nights full of pain
Or the way he put his arm around me when I made him proud
The way his eyes would light up when he would find me half awake on the couch waiting for him to get home
His eyes following me as I ran around the soccer field and walked across the stage
It's during those moments that I am full of gratitude for having a father who never gave up on me
But most importantly never gave up on himself
Because without a father full of hope
I'm not sure I would be here today

It would have been easy
to end everything
years ago.
I could have emptied
out pill bottles
like the coward I am.
But what good would that have done
I'd just pass on my night terrors
to someone else.