it's like im being watched
someone's staring at me
waiting for me to give in my life

they make me shake
i'm scared .. i feel alone.

it's colder at night.
my blanket is always warm.
that's good i guess. but it's never going to be comparable to how warm i felt when you were here.

i'm too afraid to shut my eyes.
my breathing is heavy; sometimes.
my mind begins to tremble, and it can't
seem to remember how to relax.
and it's like that, for an hour
or so.

my eyes close, finally.
i'm shaking. not surprised.
but i'm so scared. pictures are forming,
voices are murmuring.
i jolt awake. and i look frantically around,
pinching myself to make sure i'm still alive.
pain. guess i am.

i lay in my bed. wide awake.
you know,
you used to help me sleep. when nights were scary like this. i loved it so much.
hearing your voice.
it made me sleep peacefully.
but there's no use in remembering
memories.
every time i try to remember, you just
aren't there anymore.
and i cry. because i miss you so much.

i feel .. left behind
like my soul is slowing fading away piece by piece in every place that we used to go to,
like the hallways we'd use to hide away from the world.

we used to hide a lot.
just so we can get away from the world for once.
so that it'll feel like you and me. for a few moments.
and in that reality, where it felt like a
universe where you and i only existed,
i felt true happiness. i smiled; and loved you.

now i hide myself. in my head.
feeling lost, every time i want to find you.
because you're gone. you've left.
now where do i go?

i just want those
long nights,
long drives,
just to see your smile.
i just want those
conversations
that last forever
just to feel, so much better;
but i can’t ..
no i can’t have any of those
without you.

"i don't sleep
cause when i do
all i dream
are dreams of you"

i used to be the one
who wore your
scent
and carried it around with me
in enjoyment.
but now your scent
is on her
and she carries it around with her
like i was never
there before.

oversized, i still loved it
i still clung onto it despite
the empty space
but now it’s on her
fitted
as if you’re clinging onto her, so that i have no space to come back in.

survive the present
remember the past shapes you
live in the future

look how pretty it looks
look at how each snowflake falls with grace
look at the way it tumbles down from the sky
each one taking it's own precious time
to fall in front of  you

admire this, you know?
the snow only visits you once every year.

there’s two reasons why someone doesn’t talk about something;
it either means nothing to them
or it means everything to them.


if i was your everything then how come we became nothing? why couldn’t we be everything if i believed we could? why did  our “everything’s” meant nothing in the first place? why? just, why?

listen out there.
can you hear their voices talking to you?
maybe they're whispering.
can you hear it?
can you hear them?

watch out there.
can you see them walking towards you?
maybe even running?
stop running away
what are you doing? don't let them do that to you!

chase them.
grab them.
yell, scream, shout at their face.
tell them they're wrong
go on, do it.
say it, SAY IT.
I DARE YOU.
******, SAY IT TELL THEM NOW.
THEY'RE RIGHT THERE, SAY IT!
SAY IT!






stop it..
stop it now.
shut off my mind.
seal it away .. please ...
that's all i ask for..

the shock of excitement you'd give me
my smiles
my laughter.
as soon as i saw you my eyes widened.
but that was only a dear wish
only a memory left behind
those moments we shared
are realities that used to exist.

where do i go
and who can tell me
how to get out of here?
is there anyone out there
who’s been outside
who’s seen both worlds?
and if you have
rid me of this reality
and bring me with you.

you see that's the thing with roses.
they look pretty, and they smell nice.
but wait until you grab one
and you get pricked from a thorn or two
and you see the same color red tainted on your finger,
like the red on that rose.

it’s been around 2 months
without you
the air changed since then.
you’re gone.

but you walked by me again
and i inhaled
to expect oxygen; but it wasn’t.
for a few moments, my world felt alive
you came,
only temporarily.

this air killed me whenever you walked by. yet today, in this bland world, i was able to feel life again.

for now,
all i can do,
is trust that someone
out there,
somewhere in the universe,
feels the same way
i do.

“I won’t compose a prose every morning you open your eyes next to me (I won’t compare you to a summer’s day).
I won’t kiss the tears from your cheeks whenever you cry.
I won’t remember every appointment.
I won’t keep the sheen on my armor.
I won’t know what to say sometimes.
I won’t get your order right.
I’ll be late.
I’ll **** up.
But I’ll write something for you when you least expect it (in summer or winter).
But I’ll hold you as tight as I can whenever I can.
But I’ll burst through the door as soon as I remember.
But I’ll polish it until it shines again.
But I’ll say something any way.
But I’ll go back and make it right.
But I’ll get there.
But I’ll try.“

the light at the end
of every tunnel
is just an illusion.
so i challenge you,
to take illusion to reality.

each year
each month
each day
is marked on your timeline.

you tossed me out of your timeline.
and i try to toss you out of mine.
there’s a hole in the year 2018
and other people wonder,
“why is that tickmark not there?”

but we don’t say a thing.
we shrug our shoulders,
“i don’t know.”


and the year’s about to end, francis.
where does my tickmark go now?

so there’s this boy.
and for a long time, we loved each other.
it was nice.
really, nice.
but it was my first.
and my last.

even though
he shredded me to tears,
and pierced through my emotions,
used his words to threaten me,
it was amazing;
before that happened.

i wonder if you ever find this.
and if you do,
thank you.

there’s still so much i’d want to tell you that i can’t say anymore since
you don’t want me around anymore.
and i know it’s been around 2 months.
but 2 months has felt like a year.

and if there were a day
where you talked to me again
i’d take every chance to
make it up to you.
just like we promised when we were together.

even though
you don’t believe in my promises,
i still have them in my head.
still holding loyalty and trust to you.
even though
you’re gone,
my head decides to hold onto you
hoping or thinking that you’ll come back.

knowing you,
you probably wouldn’t. and i respect that.
but if you
do come back,
then i welcome you.

and i know we wouldn’t be the same as before if you did come back.
i’m fully aware.
yet if we could somehow be friends?.


i’m sorry that i’m rambling about you.
it’s just hard for me to figure out everything, you know?
i still don’t know what to do about you.
and i’ve wandered to this silly site to find some sort of comfort.
i’ve been wandering since you’ve been gone.
i haven’t found a place to go to.
but i suppose if i keep wandering,
maybe i’ll end up somewhere.
in someplace.
with or without you.

when night falls
and you’re gone
i shut my eyes
and no matter where you are
or where i am
when night falls
you’re here
when my eyes fall asleep
you’re here
and i hate it.
but i miss you.
so i want you to say.