Another episode.
It doesn't even make sense to me.
Yesterday I loved you.
Then I hated you.
Then I fell for you again.
Through vivid dreams and semi nightmares.
I wake up.
Coming back into my dreaded consciousness.
I try to listen to the rain.
And touch my cat.
Staring at her beauty.
Trying to remember her hair in her ears..
The black and white patches unevenly spread out.
Her golden iris and the ring of olive green hugging her pupil.
Noting white whiskers,
I touch her soft brushed fur and try to be gracious that even though I do not have work..that day.. That at least I do not have to go to work.
I try to remember my dreams.
I envision myself being peaceful and whole.
Teaching others the practice that I preach..
Yet I'm glued to my bed.
I reach for a book that will bring me closer to my dreams.
But I have more demons than dreams.
I reach for my phone..
Which seems to be the devils right hand man
Pull up the web browser and wonder if other girls feel bad about their guy giving their eyes and blood to other girls..
They do..
So many girls crying and feeling fearful inside..
Because they gave their heart to a pig.
When I cry.. I start by feeling sorry for myself..but then I keep crying because I cry for the world.
I cry for the children that find acceptance they seek in a gang.
I cry for the children that are neglected by their father because they weren't born perfect.
I cry for all the overweight children that don't know any better.
I cry for kittens and puppies that get crushed for a human's amusement.
I cry for the hunger that keep the children awake at night.
I cry for the water I waste day and night.
I cry for the man collecting bottles, for his inner child is dying.
I cry for the loneliness that plagues so many people around me.
I cry for the man trying to live by selling fruit.
I cry for the homeless, for they hurt my eyes.
I cry for the smog and car exhaust we all breathe in everyday.
I cry for the things I wished I had done to help, but still don't do.
I cry for my cat that looks at me crying with her big wondrous eyes
I cry for the sadness I bring not only to the ones I love, but that I keep bringing to this earth every time I open my eyes from sleep and close my heart.
And after I feel all that sadness.. I want someone to take it away...
But I don't know how to say it...
My mind...
It is not well.
My ill mind pushes away the one I need and care for the most.
Spitting my vile and venom.
Even though all I wanted was to be reassured through beautiful words and held tight for yet another night..
After the episode I am nothing again. I am hollow. I feel empty. Incomplete.
Life is meaningless again.
Love is the only thing worth living for.
But I can't even do that right.
I look at the same photographs that made me smile, laugh, and made me feel warm inside half a day ago..
Only to find that they make me feel nothing.
Nothing.
I see just a pale face.. And blue eyes.
But there is no flutter inside me..
I no longer see the sadness and love that floods those eyes.
I so keep laying here.
Hoping to just wither away.
Just to feel better in a few days...
And have it a start over again..
No moon to blame.
No sun to blame.
No clouds to blame.
No rain to blame.
Just me.