I was born in a hospital bed in a pretty city fresh out of Apartheid where my skin colour wouldn't matter any more

And my mother saw me a few minutes after the sweat had spilt out of her eyes and said
"Thank God
She looks like you"
looking up at my father

With his skin like cream and roses
And his hazel eyes without a bit of green
My mothers eyes are chocolate and just as warm

I opened mine
And my mother and father wondered where they had come from
Inky black like a void
I have always been proud of their darkness

My eyes are the one part of my face that is truly mine
Not a gift from my parents
I was born with light skin and dark eyes
And I prefer the one I shouldn't

I grew up in a town that told me to stay out of the sun
Don't look like a tambi
Old auntie's I meet and forget have snarled at me
Their wasted faces and bodies are a source of pride and shame
They gave it all for their sons and husbands
But it shows
and it shouldn't show

I was not a packaged child in ribbons and pink
I was not cute
And I think my mother hates me for that
She shows it sometimes
She's made it so clear that if a bomb fell through the kitchen roof it would be okay because only I would be in there

I grew up in a town that told me I wasn't worth the carefree love my brothers were
I had to be careful
Count up the brownie points like air pockets in a submerged car
Don't breathe too fast or it'll disappear
Walking on eggshells in my own house

My mother told my aunt who wanted to know why I was going to a university in a different province
That I wasn't a guest in my home
"We don't have girls to marry them off"
Those were words stolen from my tongue
when I had had enough as a child and told her I didn't want to get married, I was enough for myself

I don't think I've ever seen her so shocked, not at the wisdom in those words but the fact that I even thought that

I was born and raised in a place that painted me on a wall
And told me I had to stay there
I'm now old enough to know I deserve more

intense
intense
be intense
start fires
be waves and drown us all
be fiery and consume
intensify
don't pacify
yourself or others
be passion
be flames and the sun
be the moon
cause shifts of blood with gravity's rule
rule the sea and capsize
hearts and ships and stereotypes
be a queen and chop off their heads
dragon tongues and fluttering wings
ruin the ruins and break the buildings
cut the earth in half
roar

Where are the veins that
stick out of your neck this time
Furling whirling twirling around the room
It doesn't make you any less terrifying
Where are the soft sacred thoughts that float on the ceiling
I've never lost so much think
Bright red dots falling
into blue blue blue water

Before you lose my mind
Hand it to me
I've never been so lonely
And I'm not even locked away yet
I just see pills in my eye sockets
I could scratch at my lashes for days
There's no water here
Just acid at the back of my throat
All i am is lust and love and longing
Screaming screaming screaming
For
Mercy
Love
Touch
Air
Air
Air

This world is getting a bit too much for me
there are only so many times i can cry over my laptop keyboard
then worry my tears will damage it

I am so sad
I don't deserve to be sad
I sat watching a soccer match while people were massacred last night

There are elephants crying after being freed from 50 years of torturous captivity
Elephants only live for 70 years

Why was I born into this
not everyone was meant to live here
not everyone is hard enough

I am a good person, I know this
I can help people
but I will **** myself in the process
am I a coward or brave?
Do I want to be either?

My best friend is leaving me and I have cried every night while listening to Coldplay since she told me

There is a chance I am autistic, obvious enough to someone who has met me once, while my mother never picked this up
my whole life has been spent thinking I am slow, stupid, socially inept
she could have picked this up

she could have raised me whole

There's this girl I love
Whose pores I could sink into when we kiss
Because she melts me from the heart out
I wish I could disappear into every crevice of her body and sink beneath her skin
Fold myself into her heartbeat
Rock to sleep with the melody of her lungs
I wish I could be her clothes and touch her every moment of the day
But at some point she'd have to wash me of her scent
So I must remain content to be a seperate organism, only passing smiles and kisses
And touches at certain moments
At least in my mind she's always there

Sometimes I see my world burn, fire licking at the borders of my countries, threatening to taste the people I love, threatening to grip me and drag me down
I can't tell if the world burns or if my glasses are painted with flames
I'm too confused
My mind runs too quickly like water out a tap, thoughts disappearing into the pipes before I can grab them
I'm not sure if I'm altogether sane, altogether ******* on straight
I see red spots in the sea water but no sharks have been reported
I picture the earth like a burnt wedding cake covered nicely with beautiful frosting
We are the little bride and groom figurines at the top, unaware our world has been charred
People jump off buildings everyday, not knowing why they're doing that
It's a lump in your stomach you aren't sure is real
It's disassociation
Refusal to understand
We are Obsequious to our own insubordination
We are pretending

The world has dropped to its knees begging our white male dominator's to let us be
Guns swinging from your belts as money stuffs the lining of your clothing
Do not **** us, we begged you
Your power is a travesty, unfair
You would be better off sharing,I promise you
You are not worth more than I am you monster

We will not beg anymore
Because you are inhuman
un-hearted, unable to reason
More animal than animal
Demons with hell-fire in your eyes
The word loss has been shaking in my mouth for years
But the worlds collective stance means they taste it too
When genocide is permissible

Because the people you **** are not wealthy
Brown-skinned
Veiled and not passive
Because you own us, the media
our collected information
Our collective memories are worth nothing
Genocide is permissible
But ******* if you think we think so too

If you think we will go down without a fight
The history books will have your names remembered as villains
And the devil will have a special seat for you
You monsters

When genocide is permissible
I see not the end of hope
But the fury than keeps us going
You are evil
We are purity
We are loss and loss makes strength
We are dignity
Beauty
More than genocide

If I could step into the shoes of the women on this earth whose hearts are being thrown against walls by men, I would
I would shake the roots of their houses and cave them in, crushing the trauma where it happened
I would screech till my abusers ears bled from the sounds he forced out of me
Take tape and wind it round your body, over thigh, across breast, leaving holes for your mouth, ears and eyes
They can't stop you
They can't shut you down
Beautiful women who are being forced to regress from diamonds back to coal
I am with you
I am your heart and your voice
I will not leave you
We will sharpen knives together and slit the throats of the people who dare glance down our bodies,
Taking in everything but our eyes
Like a shark sniffs for blood
No predator can look it's victim in the eye as it kills it
So stare into your attackers face so he will see his emptiness reflected in your gaze
Hear his soul leave with your death rattle
Do not die in vain
Beautiful women around the world
Fight with the goddess-strength within you
Never back down
We are the portals that transport mortals into this dimension
We are the creators
We give life and we can take it away
With this kind of power who are you to give in, to submit
You are a wildfire, a storm, a tsunami
Show your true colours