It's been a while
Actually it's be a long long time
But here I am
Still in love with the green eyed boy
Whose lips I miss
Whose voice I miss
Whose body I miss
Whose kindness I miss
Who I miss

Who I want back

This world is bizarre
There's a stigma about telling someone you having feelings
How dare you tell the boy you like that you have feelings
How dare you try to have a healthy mind and not keep it all inside

But if I keep it all inside
How did I get him back
How do I stop missing the green eyes

What if I never stop missing those green eyes?

I loved him more than he loved me and it killed me inside

He's older and he says he's into you and he wants to go farther. Wants to go farther. You tell him you too, but do you really? He kisses you so intensely that you never want it to end, but then he says "it's not a big deal" but you know it is. Then you look into his eyes. Can eyes be that green? Is it possible that they are more beautiful than the moon and contain more depth than the ocean? **** how do I feel? Why do you consume me so much? He puts his arm on my back and pulls me in. He kisses my cheek again, but all I can think about is how we didn't go farther, and how the sprinkle of his light brown freckles didn't move into a smile when he said it was fine.

His lips brush against mine
And I feel his hands running through my hair
The green of his eyes illuminate the darkness
The moon hangs in the sky
His freckles dance as he smiles
His teeth are so white
He kisses me again
Softly whispering absanities for only my ears
I kiss back
There is laughter
But we shush each other
We cannot get caught
you're beautiful he whispers, running his hands along my arms
come here I smile
The stars are beginning to shine in the sky
We both look up
I lean over and kiss your cheek
Tonight is perfect
Tomorrow is hell

They say that eyes are the way to the soul, so I suppose his Iris is passage into an abyss of icy universe, a galaxy alienated to me. He remains an enigma, so hard to get into. Once you've chipped away for a while, to your disappointment, he's just ice, and his blue eyes never thaw

Have you  ever met someone who smiles as brightly as  he does, oh no, that's because no one does

Is there what a broken heart feels like? I never want to fall in love again

I'm stuck in no man's land
Somewhere in the middle
I'm not white and not black
Not up and not down
Not friend but not lover
He won't let me in
He says he likes me
He likes me a lot
"but let's be friends" he asks.
My heart breaks.
theres no in between for friendship and love.
You can't have my body and not have me.
And you can't ignore me.
Either have me or leave me.
But I refuse to be somewhere in the middle

His eyes smile when he laughs; a glistening twinkle into a galaxy of imagination.
And when he laughs my heart races, for the sound is a symphony of its own creation.
And when his lips touch mine it's an electrifying passion,
For he is my universe, yet we are but a small peice of that faction.

You look so pretty like a beauty queen
But you feel so ugly like a horror from your dream
And no matter how gorgeous you truly are
You're insides are rotting and leaving a lethal scar

Got so much love in her heart and all she gets is hate and malice
No wonder she believes heaven is a lie and hell is her palace

Cause I'm not really sure what's happening
And I don't know if anything's begun
But throughout all this confusion
I knew it that you were the one

there is a part of me that I love and a part of me that I hate only it's the same part of me which I love and hate and they are contantly struggling to dominate

No words for you
My heart no longer bleeds for you
It's healed from your evil covered with armor and a shield
I am not letting you back in
You will not cross my path again
I will keep you Outside
You will remain isolated from my mind
My heart no longer bleeds for you
It yearns for something new
And that thing
It is not you

Does this silence have a voice?
Does this darkness have a light?
Does this night have a day?
Does this loner have a fight?

Catch no feelings
Feel no pain
Walk alone
In your solo lane
Find a lover
Make it last
Forget your troubles
Of the past

You were the earthquake who rattled my world
thrilling, exhilarating, perilous
But I was the flood that washed away the world
Not ready to let a soul in
So I swept them away with my rainfall of tears
Till they drowned of my sorrow
And I was alone again
Waiting for another tragically brilliant storm

Tell the people what they want to hear
Even if it's not what you want to say

Sometimes when people say things to me or text me I'll write down what I really want to say and then crumble it up and say something completely different because I know explaining how I truly feel opens a door of issues and that I no longer have the energy to deal with.

I hate beginnings. I hate the awkward sweaty hand shake you do as you say hi, the stumble of your nervous words as you try to laugh it off. I hate the uncomfortable energy when you can't tell if they know you're joking or not. I hate the anxiety I feel as my chest compressed into a narrow passage way so small only a thread could fit through, and the way a cold nervous sweat engulfs my body. The way a fog creeps into my head so everything appears blurry as I spin on my heels, dizzy and lightheaded.
But I hate goodbyes even more. I hate the choking feeling in my throat when I fight back the painful tears, I hate the last hug which leaves you with an absent ghost haunting you, I hate the feeling that this is forever, the feeling that leaves you hallow and broken.
Introductions may be awkward and laughable, but goodbyes are painful, permanent, final. All things we dread the most.

To my darling, for who I lust, this ballad is for you, as I award you all my trust: I lust for the upward furrow of your lips, turning into that goofy laugh that warms my body as your hand grabs my hand to a grip,
I thirst for your calm and cool natural humor, for you act as solar and I am lunar, I long for you pacific to glint, if you didn't vision (I worship you), my darling, catch a hint.

You could of had anyone yet you choose to have no one and that my dear, is the most poetic thing. You see the simplicity and the comfort of solidarity, the gracefulness and confidence. you choose to see the beauty of the world instead of the world seeing the beauty of you. You chose adventure over heart break, and friends over lovers. And that is poetic.

I travel and search yet I cannot find
The one piece of myself I believe I left it behind
Is it my dignity?
My grace?
My smile?
No says I, it's the heart that was broken by the one that you loved
It was the missing piece in which you shoved
Away and away through ***** and beer
Until you were somewhere and not here anymore

I am a warrior
Strong and brave
Fighting through life
In those most peculiar way
My attacks are silent
Sneaky if you will
But the impact is tremendus
It's one huge ****
So if I'm hidden in the shadows
Don't think I'm hiding or scared
I'm plotting I'm avenging
It is me who you should fear

There are times when I glance over at happy looking people living normal looking lives and wonder are you dying inside? Is your mind collapsing under the harsh reality of life? Do you cry yourself to sleep at night? Harm yourself when no ones around? and I wish they would answer, say "yes,I do" and I could tell them they aren't alone, and everything is going to be okay, and they just have to believe, because they matter.
Everyone matters. Everyone deserves to be happy.  
Everyone is worth living for.

No fears
No tears
Just numbness everywhere

There are always going to be people that don't like you
And if you waist all your time wondering why
Then you'll never see the beauty of all the people who do like you
And that's the biggest shame of all

When I die I do not want people to remember me as kind or caring or nice. I want people to remember me as I was, I want them to say, "that clutz tripped over everything and spilled something at least twice a day." I want people to say, "we would laugh till our stomachs hurt and our eyes were filled with tears." I want people to know me, and not just generalize who I was. I want people to remember me in a way that they can say, "She impacted my life." I don't want anything fancy, no posthumous festations, but I do want people to celebrate my life by remembering me for who I was and not who they wanted me to be.

My motto? Be kind to everyone for if you read their story their isn't a person you wouldn't like a character you wouldn't find compassion for. Because we don't truly know the every details of someone's life, we only know what we see. But if we were to read their story, if we were to learn all their secrets and regrets and struggles, we would love them, the way we admire our fictional characters in books.

I hate you
I despise you
We've been in this war
For some time now
Guns loaded
Hand on trigger
Aim precise
Only there is something holding me back
Something that won't let me pull that trigger
Maybe it's the fact I don't hate you
Or perhaps the fact that this is all a deception
A mare allusion in my mind
Because I've yet to say how I feel outloud
But when I do
That is when the bullet with soar

3 am
I lay awake
I ponder
Of the world and of the life I live
3 am is when
The most shadowed of thoughts arise
Crumbling my insides
Tearing me apart
3 am is for
The lonely
The ones who long for someone to care
Feel the ever apparent loneliness
The distance
Between you and the world
But we yearn for what we cannot have
3 am
Is not for the lovers sleeping peacefully beside
It is not for little boys and girls deep in their dreams
3 am is for the troubled
3 am is for me