I brought this on myself
I'm drowning in my self-pity
It's choking me & I can't breathe
Depression is controlling
It is not poetic
It is maniacal & destruction
It is a deadly poison
You can't romanticize wanting to tear out your mind because it tells you to **** yourself & that you are a nothing
It leaves you in your bed with and a craving for death

when you think of the word "sad" you think of frowny faces & the color blue
but there is more than just a three letter word to this emotion
sadness is embedded in bones
like reoccurring cancer
you may think its's gone but it will creep up slowly & **** you
there is no cure to sadness
there is only the ability to bear it until it passes
for others it may not even pass,
it may grow & grow until it takes over your whole self & destroys you from the inside out
it leaves you decayed in your bed
you are not dead on the outside
you have your skin, your organs, your tangled veins
but on the inside you are hollow & twisted with sadness
you are living but you are dead
the word "sad" is not just a word

I sit in the dark with a cup of tea
Wondering what flows through your brain at 3 a.m.
The night reminds me of you
Full of darkness but with a million constellations within you
Eventually the night will disappear & only leave a never ending fog in it's trail
You are a fog that cannot be escaped
You are suffocating but also the source of my oxygen
I believed you were the one
A psychotic one
But now I realize that everything I saw in you, was looking at me in the mirror all along

in this haze
of tangled sheets & sun peaking through the morning's dawn
in a haze of the future
of the possibilities
bitter winters & warm summers
fresh springs & crisp falls
I have the time of my life
surrounded by friends & love
we live in a haze because we are so young & full of life
we are alive
we are the changing seasons & the love we share
drunk on the sun
the future brings things we are not prepared for
some good
some bad
I can not predict it
I will not try to predict it
I will live in my laughter & my sorrows & my tears & my happiness
I will live in myself & I will live in the love I share
the future is inevitable but that's the fun of it
to see the leaves changing color again
the bitter white frost of winter
I will love who I am & love this haze I live in
I will not try to run from my future but embrace it
with its faults & it's happiness

you cannot house breed a fox into becoming a dog
it is genetically impossible
just like trying to conform a girl to your standards
our teeth are too sharp
our bodies meant for greater things
we were not meant to be house bred animals
we are untamable
women are more than the labels put upon us
we are not wolves who are meant to be dogs
we are not the standards you try to force onto us
it is genetically impossible for a woman to become the standards someone else puts on them
we create our own life
we are not household creatures
we are women
the wolves who don't try to be like dogs