Like ghosts they haunt,
silent but present,
eerily felt
strongly sensed
when remembered

the words, gestures
come rushing back
hazy faces
cold places

you think
you've left it behind
walked forward
have let it go

to only know
one blink is all it takes
one tear the only witness
one moment to completely shatter
to be afraid

you've made a mistake.

In the past decade,
I have stepped past
the metre of words,
and moved into colorful,
ornate constructions.

Come to use clauses,
taken grueling effort
to reason in taut,
but often found fraught,
elaborate expressions.

So is it any wonder,
I now find it confining,
after failed attempts
to stick to words that need
discipline, rules and timing?

It took a lot of courage
for this form of depiction,
without the cover of metaphors,
leaving little room for
mixed interpretations.

Now my tongue is loose,
and my fingers have found release,
so I shall explore this discourse,
and for a while set aside,
my want to write good poetry.

With one song title at a time
we are writing a story
of secrets told in silence
and yearnings
sung by
melodies.

Look to the night sky
and watch the stars tell you
about me,
draw the moon out,
and I promise, I'll believe.

When the wind rustles,
look up and pay attention
to the leaves,
that's me trying to tell you
my story.

In those balmy sunny noons
glance at your shadow
twirling along,
an arm clutching your shirt
is how ,to you, I will belong.

When the winter fire crackles,
turn your head and watch,
the flames sway,
the heat that crawls up my spine
will keep the cold at bay.

In the garden of quiet,
sit down in the sea of flowers
and think of us,
the spray of my perfume
will then be found enough.

When the dark spreads
and the dreams beckon,
make haste,
through every waking moment
to see you again, I'll wait.

Like the rising sun,
the silver lining the clouds,
the break of dawn
after a storm,
it's been compared to it all.
I've had three decades
of lessons in hope.

Years one to ten;
as defining as they could be,
these were the years I felt
the most powerful and free.
I left strong impressions
on all walls and windows
where I banged my head
and thumped my hands
I yelled, screamed and bellowed
My anger and frustration
Of having always been left behind
And the constant wait for my
Parents to pay me any mind.
There were countless fascinations
Like pens, books and TV,
When boys could be friends
And nobody would look twice
When I had short hair and ***** hands
And didn't act like a good girl,
Meek and comely.


Years eleven to twenty
was like a roundhouse kick
left my heaving and breathless
and it behaved like a *****.
I'd paint it all in black,
Which I more through most of it,
Angsty, brooding and dark,
lost, empty and afraid,
I discovered parts of me
That never before existed
And I climbed that *****  of esteem
After picking myself up from the pit.

Years twenty one to thirty
shaped the way I think today
made me feel secure in my skin
naked, scarred and less afraid.
I thought my self the master
Having now conquered it all
Work, travel and money,
I was so focused on soaring high
I was not prepared for the fall.
And fall I did, so hard,
I shattered all illusions
Of love, friendship and family
dreams and masked delusions.

Three decades I've lived
and the fourth I have begun
I've felt the entire spectrum of emotion
Transcnded them all but one.
That deep yearning I feel
Is my last nugget of hope,
Fall mindlessly in love
And be loved in return,
The sole wish I now hold.
And till I hit age forty
Hopeful I'll remain,
For I banged my hands,
and got my way,
Tried other colors
Moved away from black,
Grew my hair long
Left home as a little girl,
I grew up and came back.
I did the impossible,
Or what I had so deemed,
So the lessons in hope continue
And the rest is now to be seen..

Flip the page
and write again
the story has yet
to find its end.

Turn the clocks
and save the bell,
there are many things
we are yet to tell.

Make those lists,
and keep them long,
they'll soon be forgotten,
we are not that strong.

Wish, dream, commit,
don't hold yourself back
may be you'll disappoint,
but yourself some slack.

There is magic in the air,
in every clink and cheer,
there is no room to despair
when it is a happy new year!

You were my golden egg secret
the glass slipper is buried deep,
the spell I never said out loud
the kiss that bested even sleep.

You were the might of thunder
the sword that slayed all evil
the book that held old magic
the love that could turn lethal.

You were my Achilles heel,
the resolve that held me strong,
the arrow to my bow, bullet to my gun
you were my silent soul song.

You were an untold fairytale
and I may have ripped the chapter
that would bring you to life, this early demise
has now wrecked my happily ever after.

We all need our stars
here and there,
across landscapes
even and jagged.
In the glow
of the buttery sun,
they are hidden,
blinded by the sparkle,
awaiting the sweep
of darkness,
when we seem them out.

But, they are every present,
our stars,
in our days and nights,
always ready to be sought,
found,
and guide.

We all need our stars.

I'm afraid of the light
because I know what will follow,
I look at corners and worry
about what's hidden in hollows.

I fear climbing up too far,
for the fall down seems painful,
the endless spirals, the familiar ground,
just makes all things good more dreadful.

I feel dizzy when I look up too long
and I almost feel the earth give away,
every turn that doesn't bring doom
makes me anxious of the next day.

I know I can't keep staring into the water
waiting for the abyss to swallow it whole,
but every strike of a match is a reminder,
of how easily it can all go up in smoke.

I wake up with trepidation,
and a veiled sense of hope,
telling myself I've avoided disaster
telling my head, this is our new home.

There are trails of red
like the threads
of a scarlet dress
that reaches for the floor
on the walls
gripping the paint
dragging its name
telling a story
of how things break,
fall apart and come together
to create something
that makes us
all
afraid.

Three words.

Say them and it'll end everything
And begin something whole.
Tell them softly, whisper them to me
And I'll willing let go.
Write them down, if you fear,
And I'll always hold it dear.
Don't explain, don't justify
Give me those 3 words
And I'll be satisfied.

I don't care about your remorse
I don't want to know you regret
I just know that I am hurt
And it was by something you did or said

It is not about your intent,
It is not about my interpretation,
It is only meant to correct
This awful awkward situation

Allow me to move on,
And ******, you move on too.
Tell me "I am sorry."
And I will tell you,
" Me too."

I cannot find that phrase again,
a phrase I had seen on a page,
of one of my favorite books.

That phrase made me feel warm and light,
lifted something within me, something I cannot describe,
words cannot truly represent
what that phrase did to me,
it just evoked many strange emotions.

I have strewn around every book I own,
ruffled through every page,
rummaged through every nook and corner,
hoping to spot a familiar color,
assuming I will find it in a familiar place.

I worry I may never find that book,
and those words, I will never again read,
but I truly worry, fear even, is that I'll not remember
how it made me feel.

You don't hear
the shrill screams
inside my head,
or hear the broken music
box I haven't set aside.
You don't see the shadows
flit pass my walls,
or bear the pinch of
broken dreams under your feet.

You only know of the colors
I wear on my sleeve,
and the aches I confess
of the things that keep me
from sleep.

You only tell me
what I must, should and can,
without knowing the doors
I pray will remain closed behind.

You only see the smoked mirrors
I show you, because some
truths are kept from you,
And I'm kept distant,
from you.

It doesn't take much
for a smile to turn mocking,
or much time for betrayal
to come knocking,
or much effort for trust to slay
and dig up past mistakes.
It doesn't take much
for friendships to sour,
for the bell to chime and
ring the end to happy hour.
It doesn't take much at all
for memories to be mistaken
and for all those severed ties
to be called all but forsaken.

Buzzzzz! It rang,
loud and shrill,
startling me from that
comfortable sleep-phase;
where everything is half-done,
and you're not fully numb
to the prods and distant noises.

Chasing this time table
that has been planned for me,
each day has an agenda,
and each decade gives me a story;
unmet deadlines, lost promises,
commitments and buckets-lists
an archived dream.

Slipping on shoes,
as the door hits my back,
walk into a day a dislike,
a place that leaves me forlorn;
no amount of fairy lights
or frames on the wall can
make a house feel like home.

And buzzzz! it rang again,
jerking me awake,
harsh light of a new sun
slicing through the cold day;
no ego to salvage or pride to soothe,
another the chance to start over,
that was all it took.

It has been some time
since I started loving myself,
I am now ready for someone
else to do it as well.

Staring into the dark,
many questions I have asked
and I am still awaiting replies.

Tired of holding
my knees by my arms,
while I tell myself not to cry.

I am the modern day woman,
with her head in the sky
and her heart has gone stone cold.

I am living on dreams,
which are little white lies
I tell to give myself hope.

It has been some time
since I started loving myself,
I am now ready for someone
else to do it as well.

My rocky past has left scars
and every time I look in the mirror
they tell me I’ve taken things too far

The armor was to have a *****
a confession to be made in time, I think
but now it has turned inside out.

The dregs of strength, I have left
tt all reside within my head,
in collusion with endless doubts.

It has been some time
since I started loving myself,
I am now ready for someone
else to do it as well.

Don’t be fooled
by my high heels, small skirts
and those bright smiles.

I’m the same one
to smokes up my pride and
name mistakes on speed dial

May be I am cursed
of things like endurance and such,
and happiness will come edgewise.

It has been some time
since I started loving myself,
I am now ready for someone
else to do it as well.

I used to fear
things I did not know
feelings, people, places
cravings I buried low.

Kept away from the path
coaxing me to try a change
making me believe that different
may not mean so do away.

Resisted I did, defiantly
kept walking the path I chose
every stumble re-affirming
every loss a lesson, every victory a rose.

Trampled ******* misgivings
which clutched hard like roots
making me watch before I step
sifting fallicirs from truth.

Faced my fears I did anyway,
all the paths lead to one end,
armed by the scars of my journey,
experience, now my only defense.

Settle slowly in this time
with feelings, people and places new
peel away layers deep in my mind
and accept, I never had a clue.