What can I say,
I’m still hurt,
How could you treat me this way?

What can I say,
I’m still hurt,
I feel the pain every day.

I don’t understand,
Was it a plan,
You trapped me in sinking sand.

How could you be so unkind,
It goes round in my mind,
But answers I cannot find.

You cut me in half,
Disappeared into dark,
Was it all just a laugh?

You know what’s silly too,
Sometimes I want revenge,
But then I would be just like you.

What can I say,
I’m still hurt,
When will the pain go away?

Calling me day and night,
My stress reached a new height,
I always had to be there,
Otherwise I didn’t care,

You called me your best friend,
While driving me round the bend,
I was just your stress ball,
A complete and utter fool,

You treated me with contempt,
But argue I couldn’t attempt,
I only know how to submit,
To stand and take the ****,

You completely took over my life,
So much pain and strife,
I should just be glad to be free,
After all you did to me,

If I jumped you wouldn’t care,
It seemed a little unfair,
You would just find another fool,
To serve as your stress ball,

But can I even be mad,
Can I call you bad,
Or was it a by-product of insanity,
That you lost some humanity,

I guess I will never know,
Maybe you were putting on a show,
When you used to act like a friend,
Maybe it was all pretend,

When you attacked another,
My anger I couldn’t cover,
Don’t do this to them,
I can’t allow that mayhem,

I thought you might apologise,
I guess I wasn’t very wise,
We were just dead to you,
As easy as flushing the loo,

Even after all of that,
So long being your doormat,
That makes it clear to see,
You didn’t really need me,

You didn’t need to take over my life,
There didn’t need to be all the strife,
I guess the past is the past,
Although the damage may last,

I am just glad to be free,
After all you did to me.

I’m in a lot of pain tonight,
I’m not putting up a fight,
It’s no use trying to sleep,
The pain runs too deep,

My heart is slowly sinking,
My brain is constantly thinking,
I feel so misunderstood,
But then again I would,

I don’t know what to do,
This is nothing new,
I’m messed up pretty bad,
Which sometimes makes me sad,

I think that what I need,
Is a non-existent breed,
And no one can understand,
Or truly take my hand,

And I just can’t explain,
My unique kind of pain,
I can’t make anyone see,
What is really me,

I just want a big hug,
And maybe tea in a mug,
No need to overthink,
That’s what make my heart sink.

Dad I miss you so much,
I wish I could feel your touch,
It’s been so long,
That feels so wrong,
Eighteen years it’s been,
Without you to be seen,
Why did you have to die,
I always ask myself why,
I wasn’t ready for you to go,
That was something you had to know,
You gave me protection,
You gave me affection,
I lost them both when you went,
Took years before I could vent,
The pain is still here,
Still just as clear,
Weighing on my heart,
Tearing it apart,
Dad why did you go,
I wasn’t ready you know.

Sleep eludes me tonight,
My mind puts up too much fight,
I should really go to bed,
But I can’t calm my head,

The hours are gradually ticking by,
The sun will soon appear in the sky,
Then I will have to head off to work,
Without sleep I shall go berserk,

So it would be better if I could just sleep,
Preferably it would be nice and deep,
Being awake is no good for me,
I will need to down lots of tea,

But I don’t know how to settle my mind,
Inner peacefulness I can’t seem to find,
So here I am writing this,
Thinking of those that I miss.

Got to be strong,
Other ways are wrong,
Got to have fight,
And be full of might,
Need tough skin,
To be able win,
Must forget all the hurt,
Not be afraid of the dirt,
Must never cry,
Better to die,
This is what I need to be,
But this will never be me.

I needed you to be whole,
To light up my soul,
I needed you to protect me,
To keep my mind free,

I needed your love,
Purer than a dove,
I needed all of you,
But your lips they turned blue,

It was far too soon,
That night we lost the moon,
You were one in a million,
Or maybe in a billion,

And I needed you so much,
To keep me living as such,
You were the only one that cared,
And losing you I was so unprepared,

Without you it was hell,
I didn’t have a tough shell,
I was left all alone,
With no one to phone,

All I had left was the pain,
That permanent chain,
I still needed you,
But your lips had turned blue.

This is far from bliss,
There is no pain like this,
Nothing hurts this much,
There’s nothing here to clutch,
Here it’s very dark,
There’s not a single spark,
I cannot see a thing,
I don’t know where to cling,
I reach out my hand,
Hoping to find some land,
But I just feel empty air,
All to my despair,
It’s very quiet here,
I listen out with my ear,
But I don’t hear a sound,
The silence is profound,
Not even a single groan,
I think I’m here alone,
I don’t how to get out of this,
Or even what this place is,
I think I might be trapped,
In this place that is unmapped.

I’m still staring into space,
I’m looking into another place,
A place where life is fair,
A place that isn’t anywhere,
It’s a different time that I see,
A time that never was or will be,
I feel things that I can’t feel here,
I feel things besides sadness and fear.

I’m sitting here waiting,
My life I’m contemplating,
Time is flying by,
And all I can do is sigh,
Why can’t I feel anything,
Why can’t my soul sing,
It’s no fun being dead inside,
And there’s no time left to hide,
To quote the giant “it’s happening again”,
I lost my heart but I don’t know when,
There’s not going to be a point to my life,
So maybe I should just put an end to all this strife,
I was foolish to think it would be different this time,
The clock is counting down and is ready to chime,
The big cloud of doom is looming,
The lightning is striking and the thunder is booming,
I can’t complain as I brought this all on,
I can’t close my eyes and wait for it to be gone,
Live in darkness or don’t live at all,
That’s the choice for this stupid fool.

So what do I have to say,
It’s been another same old day,
I know I’m alive but I don’t feel it,
Whether I lay down, stand up or sit,
It’s just one of those things for me,
All I live for is a cup of tea,
I wish I knew how to change it,
Cause my life doesn’t quite fit,
I wish I could feel something,
I wish my heart wanted to sing,
But I can’t feel very much,
I’m waiting for a magic touch,
Even this poem is a bit crap,
God I’m stuck in a trap,
Please someone help me out,
Cause I’m too tired to shout,
Wave your wand and make it ok,
And lower down some tea on a tray,
Come and lay down beside me,
Cause I could use some company,
It’s lonely stuck in this rut,
Maybe together we could make it a hut,
I don’t know what else to say,
It’s been another same old day.

So guess what I feel **** again,
Because against my anxiety I just can’t win,
All I needed to say was thank you,
But for some reason I just couldn’t do,
Don’t get me wrong I was grateful,
But it wouldn’t come out and now I feel so hateful,
They treat me so nice and buy me dinner,
I couldn’t say thanks I feel like such a sinner,
When I try to speak up,
All my demons won’t shut up,
So yes I chickened out again,
It would be easier to do with a pen,
Don’t be surprised this is nothing new,
Chickening out is usually what I do,
Every time I feel so bad,
And the memories make me sad,
I know it makes absolutely no sense,
That something so simple makes me all tense,
What must they think of me?
So ungrateful I must seem to be,
I wish it would just come out,
Because now it’s all I think about,
I know in my head that it would’ve been fine,
If I had just said thanks for letting me dine,
But I just couldn’t quench the fear,
The fear of nothing it would appear,
I’m just too scared to use my voice,
Even though I know it’s the wrong choice,
So congratulations anxiety to you,
You beat me again like you always do.

So this poem is about my anxiety,
It’s just so uncomfortable being me,
It’s people that I fear the most,
I really couldn’t be a host,
There’s so many things that run through my head,
Sometimes I think it would be easier not to get out of bed,
I panic at the sight of someone new,
It can feel like I’m trapped in a zoo,
I can feel them staring,
I can feel them glaring,
They’re trying to work me out,
What I’m all about,
I know that they’re judging,
So my words I start fudging,
They think I’m pathetic,
And they won’t be sympathetic,
I’m always the odd one out,
And I’m so scared they will shout,
See I’m easy to make cry,
You don’t really have to pry,
They know something’s wrong with me,
It’s so easy for everyone to see,
I’m the runt in the litter,
My personality doesn’t glitter,
To most people I can barely talk,
When they watch it affects my walk,
Most people can’t understand,
They have their social skills to hand,
They can’t see why I’m scared,
Why I am so unprepared,
And if they had a social blip,
It wouldn’t really make them dip,
But I would feel consumed,
My demons would have loomed,
And if this wasn’t enough,
I do find it quite tough,
There’s the guilt for feeling this,
And all the things it makes me miss,
The awkward silences I create,
The other person must hate,
But I just can’t take the chance,
That they will respond with a verbal lance,
I’m too scared to give it a go,
I didn’t ask for this phobia you know.