Love will come to you when it's ready,
Not necessarily when you are.

Today I am human
Today I got two legs out of bed to face a world that is sometimes cold
Today I walked tired feet just to make sure they still do their job right
Today I ran fingers through hair and remembered there were teeth to brush, a face to wash
Today I woke to a bottle of water half full by my nightstand
Today I drank it's contents with a handful of vitamins
Today I remembered the importance that breakfast holds so I had it
Today I dressed a body that now and then can feel unfamiliar
Today I pushed the sheets back on the bed to make it almost neat
Today I fluffed a pillow to its full extent
Today I put lotion to skin that is too dry from the California sun
Today I put gas in my car
Today I fed myself without guilt
Today I filled my stomach with meals instead of anxiety
Today I breathed
Today I sighed
Today I did what most consider to be routine, but is so much more to me
All of these simplicities are proof of surviving
Doing so is not always easy
But I do
Today I lived even if I did so quietly
Today I am alive
And tomorrow I will be as well
Tomorrow I will say thank you to today
Tomorrow I will appreciate the effort of before
Tomorrow I will be too proud for too little
Tomorrow I will repeat
Tomorrow I will try again
Tomorrow I am human.

I will love you without trying
Eyes closed, effortlessly
I will care too much
I will act like I don't at all
I will think about you more than I do myself
I will pretend that I'm not looking for anything
I will lie about the fact that I always am
I will tell you I'm okay
I will avoid admitting that I'm not
I will ask you how you are
I will actually care about your response
I will wait to respond to your text
I will make it seem like I am busy
I will not say I've been waiting
I will pay you more attention than I've ever gotten
I will give you all of me too easily
I will ask you what you need and be that
I will treat your smile like a privilege
I will want to play your laugh on repeat
I will admire it too much
I will try harder than I should
I will love you without trying
Eyes closed, effortlessly
And I will do it well.

I haven't slept in three days
There's a hole in my sheets
I still love you like an incurable virus

At midnight I will scroll through all
of the names on my phone looking
for ones my hungry heart can
devour or savor for a moment or two.
I will find yours from two months
ago when we talked most recently
and think yes, yes this is who
can cure the insatiable appetite.
My mind will say no, no,
bad idea, nothing good will
come from this reaching out
of a hand too eager, grabbing
for purpose, don't do it.
Fingers will type regardless, a
text of hey or how's it going
or where are you or what's up
or maybe even a somewhat
unconscious I miss you,
I will try to say I love you
without saying it at all.
Holding my breath, I will press
send and it will mail off to you
so you can read my desperation
like a casual hello when really
I've packed a million words
unsaid into the few that I have
picked out to type hesitantly.
At 12:02 I will stare blankly
at a message that has yet to
be replied to and I will continue
to, waiting until my eyes are shot
from staring at a lit screen for
too much time, I will then stop.
I will turn off the phone but before
I do I will breathe in the letters of
your name one last time to remind
myself why I do this every night.
I do it because I'm lonely or
maybe it's because I don't want to
come back to an empty room, the
quiet of a bed holding my body only.
You are the remedy for this craving,
even if you do not answer until
morning, or next week, or never
I will search for you always

In my dreams there is resolution
An abundance of apology, words strewn together from the many mistakes made,
Genuine meaning,
Sincerity,
And forgiveness
There is no awkward confrontation or apathy
There are no half-assed hellos, there is no avoiding
In my dreams you are holding my face like you once held me
Our eyes meet the way they used to,
And you move your lips quietly to say
"I'm sorry."

I imagine your sorry explaining what you never did
Like
"I'm sorry I stopped caring,
I'm sorry I pretended to"
You'd say,
"I'm sorry
For treating your body better than I treated you"
Or maybe even
"I'm sorry
That I can't face you, it is cowardice and weak but I really don't know how to"

I know that this admission is not one that would ever exit your mouth
It is one that is unlikely to even form in your thoughts but
I like to think that it is possible
I like to hope that you have some sense of remorse for the carelessness
Or it could be that you are only sorry for leaving what is now blooming
I was a flower twisting when we met and I have become an open rose
I'm sorry that you couldn't see the beauty up close
I hope you like admiration from a distance

I wonder if I'm on your mind tonight more than I probably am
My eyes move between phone and computer screen seeking your name
My ears are perched to their highest capability
My mouth tastes of blood from the lip I've bitten in your honor and
all I can do is wonder where you are tonight and if you're wondering about me too

Palm of hand touching hair touching cheek touching
you for the first time
Lend me your hips like
a sweet favor
I will teach this body rhythm and
the music of us will echo into
the bricked walls, syncing together melodies of
contact, electrical wire sparking in this blood, your
heart beating its way out of chest,
the softness, a catalyst for fire, I almost
swear I can hear the air particles kissing,
speaking, they are singing,
closer, closer

"gravity, is working against me"

the dark means nothing without
a glow under covers and
wrinkled sheets holding us eager, silent learning,
don't let go just yet,
we are falling,
falling
further into each other,

"just keep me where the light is."

Here is where I take your smile and
stretch it into a sunset, I
remember your words to mean
everything they didn't
I make haikus out of eyes and note how
they emit light when you laugh
This is where I draw you indelible
on the pages of a notebook
I color you vivid, write you
permanent, take non-fiction and
turn it fantasy,
Into something we might watch
together on a Sunday night
I designate you hero of the story and
I wait with tired arms
to be lifted into yours
Here is where I create a landscape
out of ash and worship you with
language you don't deserve,
vocabulary that is too big for your small
Here is what could easily be a love poem if
you were someone who wanted one but
the only want you have isn't for me